Posts Tagged ‘Tasmania’
Canberra Report by Dick Head
Elections Can Be Harmful to Your Health
There are already signs of mental stress right across the Australian community as the realisation takes hold that no matter how you vote at the upcoming federal election it will result in either Kevin Rudd or Tony Abbott becoming prime minister.
And as if that awful reality is not enough it will be preceded by an excruciatingly mind-numbing election campaign lasting six weeks.
Mental health experts are extremely concerned about the potential of this sudden barrage of political bullshit and badinage to cause people to go absolutely barking.
In order to lessen the impact they recommend a pre-conditioning treatment which consists of listening to recordings of Kevin and Barnaby Joyce trying to explain the super profits tax. Anyone surviving just one week of this treatment is guaranteed immunity from election insanity.
Further they recommend that the public should look on the bright side and take heart from the fact this election holds no prospect of Malcolm Turnbull, Wayne Swan, Bob Brown, Julie Bishop, Penny Wong or Peter Garrett becoming prime minister.
Julia’s prospects depend on the relative job performance of Kevin as prime minister and Barry Hall as full forward for the Western Bulldogs. As Barry is clearly outperforming Kevin at the moment she seems much more likely to get the PM gig than spearhead the Dogs.
The electorate should be mindful of the dangers of using election promises as the basis for their vote. They have as much validity as a Pom opener promising to make a century before he goes out to bat in an Ashes Test.
Kevin’s track record of delivering on election promises is conservatively appalling. He may be too embarrassed to make any at the next election. Nevertheless voters should be aware of his propensity for promises like Christmas Island land rights for asylum seekers and green jobs for miners made redundant by the super profits tax.
A promise by Tony to get rid of Kevin however could be his most powerful electoral asset.
The likelihood that he will promise to use pedal power on a new budget cycle when he’s in the saddle could cause voters merely to view him as a saddle-sore pain in the arse.
Undoubtedly one of the key objectives of the next election will be to prevent a group of strange green senators from Tasmania causing legislative pollution in the federal parliament.
It’s a scandal that there is no provision in Kevin’s hospitals plan for special centres to treat mental illness caused by election campaigns. Reading this column is still the only accredited treatment.
Have you seen a Kristina?
Political commentators believe that the only chance the NSW Labor Government has of winning the Penrith by-election is a daily striptease by Kristina in the town centre.
So far voters are shattered that Kristina is going nowhere near the place and they’re getting a daily dose of Barry O’Farrell instead, thankfully with his clothes on.
In a wonderful humanitarian gesture the Liberal Party is preparing to offer free psychiatric treatment to anyone intending to vote Labor.
Dick Head is almost fully recovered from the last federal election.
Tags: asylum seekers, Barnaby Joyce, Barry Hall, Barry O’Farrell, Bob Brown, Christmas Island, Dick Head, election promises, hospitals, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, Liberal Party, Malcolm Turnbull, mental health, mining tax, NSW Labor Government, Penny Wong, Peter Garrett, super profits tax, Tasmania, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan, Western Bulldogs
Posted in Canberra correspondent - Dick Head, Election Sanity | No Comments »
Unholier Than Thou
The Pope is planning a mission to revive Christianity in Europe. He should start with catholic priests.
Coming but not Going
Airline passengers to Europe now know what its like to travel on NSW trains.
They’ve Blown It
The Melbourne Storm could soon become just weather.
Premier Power Broking
There is speculation that Joe Tripodi and Eddie Obeid advised David Gallop on the sanctions he applied to the Melbourne Storm. They have considerable experience of taking away premierships.
Wish You Were Here
First the good news, Kevin’s in Tasmania. Now the bad news, Greg Combet’s called a media conference.
Labor’s Love Lost
Being on a promise from Kevin is like being on a promise from a professional virgin.
A Passing Storm
Following the dumping of the ETS, Kevin no longer needs Brian Waldron’s services to run a salary cap and trade scheme.
Fat Chance
It’s such a relief to hear that Barry O’Farrell isn’t going to get into a beauty contest with Kristina. That’s by far his wisest policy announcement so far.
State Affairs
The Liberal Government in WA is understandably reluctant to hand over 30% of their GST to Kevin. Green Sex Trysts are hard to come by.
Tags: Barry O’Farrell, Brian Waldron, catholic priests, Christianity, David Gallop, Eddie Obeid, ETS, Greg Combet, Joe Tripodi, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, Labor Government, Liberal Government, Melbourne Storm, NSW State Rail, Player Salary Cap Rorting, premierships, Roger Pugh, Tasmania, The Pope
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Having saved Australia and possibly the world from financial collapse the Labor Government is stunned and bemused to be the target of so much cynicism. In a characteristically generous gesture Friday Mash is happy to help them come to an understanding about it.
It could be something to do with Kevin’s promise at the last election not to break any promises.
Fuel Watch failed to deliver the good oil on petrol prices and Grocery Watch headed straight for the checkout.
It’s not surprising there is a degree of cynicism amongst whales. Kevin promised to take the Japanese whalers to the International Court of Justice before he decided there could be a catch in it.
He promised to take over the running of hospitals but following the mess he’s made insulating homes and rebuilding schools no-one is complaining about his failure to deliver on that promise. Furthermore the introduction of covered outside operating areas (COOAs) could put the wind up some patients especially those undergoing haemorrhoid transplants.
The public are decidedly cynical about the onset of selective Alzheimers disease in the Labor Government. Ministers have no recollection whatsoever of any stuff ups they were responsible for yet have perfect recall of all John Howard’s.
To everyone’s astonishment, however, Kevin actually apologised for the home insulation scheme debacle but didn’t apologise for reneging on his undertaking to restart the scheme in June. After he told the Battmen on television that ‘I get it’ you can’t really blame them if they treat him like the Joker.
The decision to cancel the home insulation scheme mark 2 was presented by Greg Combet as sensible, responsible and absolutely logical. It wasn’t presented as anything by Kevin who was hiding in Tasmania.
The decision to cancel the promised development of childcare centres at schools was presented by Kate Ellis as courageous and responsible. She had apparently discovered that single drops for children are better than double drops because of the unpredictable bounce.
Kevin was still in Tasmania probably trying to figure out whether David Bartlett is a single or a double dropkick.
There is the strong possibility of a certain cynicism that the more attractive a government’s promise the more courage, responsibility and integrity they can claim for reneging on it.
The reason for Kevin’s incredibly courageous and completely logical decision to drop the ETS was the Inconvenient Truth that it could lose him the next election.
The public could be excused a certain cynicism about Julia still waxing lyrical about the BER when it was blindingly obvious to everyone else that million dollar COLAs were as abundant as star players at the Melbourne Storm.
Having exhausted their stimulus credibility on homes, schools and hospitals there is an expectation that the government will turn its attention to brothels. Covered outside bonking areas (COBAs) could breathe some daylight into an industry sadly in need of a BER (Building the Erotic Revolution).
If the government are interested Friday Mash can certainly provide further illumination. They should understand however that while we are satirical and even ecumenical we are never cynical.
Tags: BER, Building the Education Revolution, Building the Erotic Revolution, childcare, COLA, cynicism, David Bartlett, election promises, ETS, Fuel Watch, Greg Combet, Grocery Watch, ICJ, Inconvenient Truth, International Court of Justice, Japanese whaling, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Kate Ellis, Kevin Rudd, Labor Government, Melbourne Storm, Tasmania
Posted in Weekly Mash | No Comments »
Canberra Report by Dick Head
All Hell Breaks loose in Tasmania
The Devious Dropkick has done the deal with the Devil to retain power in Tasmania.
The Devil drove a hard bargain. He wanted two ministers in Dropkick’s cabinet but mindful of the way the Devious one had dudded the Apostle Will he wouldn’t settle for one plus a promise.
In the end the Devil settled for a ministry for himself and a junior ministry for the lady who dances with him.
The Hare-brained-Clark electoral system has facilitated the Devious Dropkick’s return to power against the wishes of the majority of the electorate through a deal with the Devil which hardly upholds the finest tenets of the Westminster system. Meanwhile the Apostle Will who leads the party with the largest number of votes gets the bum’s rush. Altogether a triumph of democracy.
This arrangement with the Devil holds little promise of sensible or stable government for Tasmania. The Devil’s party believes in sustainability in everything except government unless the impossible happens and they get one of their own.
The Apostle Will believes that this government from Hell will drive the electorate back to the policies practised in heaven by Liberals.
Dick Head narrowly avoided another breakdown during the Tasmanian election
Tags: David Bartlett, Dick Head, Nick McKim, Tasmania, Tasmanian Election, the Greens, the Liberals, Will Hodgman
Posted in Canberra correspondent - Dick Head, Election Sanity | 1 Comment »
Canberra Report by Dick Head
Tasmania up for the Count
In a shock move Tasmania suddenly declared their final election results in under three weeks. Cephologists believe this is a record.
It is not clear whether they finally found someone who could count quickly or whether they got embarrassed by the delay and made an educated guess.
Following news that the Greens are prepared to enter into a coalition with the Liberals the electoral authorities would be well advised to organise some vote-counting practice because the next election can’t be far away.
Don’t Shoot the Sheriff
Following their election loss the South Australian Liberals have had three deputy leaders in three weeks. How considerate of them to assuage the disappointment of losing by giving everybody a guernsey.
This follows the lead of the Federal Liberal Party which followed up its election loss with three leaders in two years although to be fair Malcolm couldn’t see the benefits of sharing the leadership around. It makes you wonder about Julie Bishop. What sort of person can be deputy to Brendan, Malcolm and Tony in the space of two years without going absolutely barking? Perhaps someone who doesn’t take any of them too seriously.
Malcolm No Longer in the Middle
My colleagues at Friday Mash have reacted to the passing of Malcolm from politics with sincere regret.
Who else could have provided so much great copy out of the Utegate affair while at the same time, however inadvertently, saving Wayne Swan’s skin and martyring Godwin Grech?
There is no question that it was Malcolm which made the ETS famous, an achievement quite beyond Kevin and Penny.
Malcolm’s political career however was always prime minister or bust. He thrusted, lusted, combusted, disgusted, mistrusted but never readjusted and so busted.
On behalf of Friday Mash thank you Malcolm for all the wonderful material and may Kevin find you a great job soon.
Dick Head is currently advising the NSW Government on amnesia.
Tags: Bredan Nelson, Cephologists, Dick Head, ETS, Godwin Grech, Julie Bishop, Liberals, Malcolm Turnbull, Penny Wong, South Australia, Tasmania, the Greens, Tony Abbott, Utegate, vote-counting, Wayne Swan
Posted in Canberra correspondent - Dick Head | 1 Comment »
Canberra Report by Dick Head
The South Australian Election
Great Interest in Michelle Chantelois’ Seat
Michelle Chantelois was the central figure in this gripping election. Voters were obviously disappointed that Mike Rann failed to score with her despite her insistence that he had.
The premier claimed he’d only had a flirty relationship with the electorate but they were sure they’d been screwed.
The Labor Party scraped back in with a strong performance in the marginals but if Michelle had led the Liberals instead of Isobel Redmond it would have been a landslide. Her seat certainly isn’t marginal.
The Tasmanian Election
A Well Hung Parliament
For security reasons we have to keep a bit quiet about elections in Tasmania. We don’t want to scare away tourists or foreign investment.
The Labor Government deserves to be turfed out because it has demonstrated time and again it couldn’t organise pedophilia in a catholic seminary.
The final election result wont be available for a few months because they haven’t been able to find anyone in Hobart who can count fast enough.
There is some concern that the Greens could become stronger in Tasmania and then start infecting Canberra. The gravest danger facing Australia is green senators from Tasmania inflicting their screwy ideas on the whole country.
Meanwhile Tasmania is heading towards a hung parliament which isn’t good for anything except a bit of gallows humour.
Dick Head is resting after writing these reports
Tags: Canberra, Dick Head, Greens, Isobel Redmond, Labor Party, Liberals, Michelle Chantelois, Mike Rann, South Australia, Tasmania
Posted in Canberra correspondent - Dick Head, Election Sanity | 1 Comment »
NSW Labor parliamentarians have been planning a Christmas pantomime starring Kristina Keneally as the principal boy and Frank Sartor as the dame but decided they couldn’t compete with the one they’d been staging all year.
…………………………………………………
With all the talent at their disposal Westpac are being encouraged to stage a production of Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves.
…………………………………………………
Insiders confirm that Obama is on track in his quest to convert the US into the healthiest and most carbon free bankrupt in the world.
…………………………………………………
The Copenhagen Conference totally failed to appreciate that temperatures and rising sea levels provide exciting new potential for solar energy and desalinated water. And countries which become submarine states will have unprecedented access to wave power.
…………………………………………………
Experts are just beginning to realise that Australia’s asylum seeker crisis is a symptom of Sri Lanka’s strategy to reduce carbon emissions through population reduction.
…………………………………………………
Surely Kevin must realise that the sensible way forward for the ETS is to test it in Tasmania first.
…………………………………………………
In six days God made heaven and earth. In twelve days the Copenhagen Conference failed to save the earth from the greenhouse effect in heaven. Surely the next Climate Change Conference should be between the Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury to check whether God has a day or two to spare for a bit of maintenance work or whether the Blessed Mary MacKillop can come off the bench to work a third miracle.
…………………………………………………
Friday Mash’s New Year Resolution is to have a lot of fun in 2010 and we trust you have resolved to do likewise. Happy New Year.
…………………………………………………
Tags: Archbishop of Canterbury, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Climate Change, Copenhagen, ETS, God, greenhouse effect, Kevin Rudd, New Years Resolution, population reduction, President of USA, Sri Lanka, Tasmania, The Pope, wave power
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
23rd October 2009
Dear Mr President,
I’m so proud of Kevin.
In our hour of darkness he has stood alone against the hordes of asylum seekers threatening our shores. He’s been tough, yet oh so humane.
I think that means he’s been tough on people smugglers yet humane towards asylum seekers. The trouble is the asylum seekers can’t get here without the people smugglers, so actually he’s been quite tough on them as well in a humane sort of way.
It’s difficult to understand why the asylum seekers don’t buy their own boat and sail it across themselves. I think Kevin would be a lot more humane about that as long as Christmas Island doesn’t get overbooked.
He’s also been very tough and humane with the Indonesians. He wants them to open a branch of Christmas Island over there to house the asylum seekers and persuade them to go to Malaysia or New Zealand.
The least they should do is open up an office in Jakarta where the asylum seekers can book accommodation on Christmas Island in advance. Then the place wouldn’t get overcrowded and Kevin wouldn’t have to rush emergency port-a-loos up there.
As most of the current asylum seekers seem to be coming from Sri Lanka, I think we should send them over to Tasmania. They haven’t got any Tassie Tigers left so they could get Tamil Tigers instead.
You’ll be interested to know that Kevin popped over for a chat with President Youknowwho this week. I’m sure they’ll sort something out even if we have to send port-a-loos, demountables and Julia’s school halls over there.
John Howard gave us the Pacific Solution but now Kevin gives us the port-a-loo solution. It just goes to show you how humane Kevin really is and that his policy for asylum seekers is not just a hole in the ground. He might even find a seat for Peter Dutton.
There is incredible excitement here about Malcolm’s amendments to the ETS. If you ask me Kevin and Penny will have a good laugh and tell him to shove his amendments up where the greenhouse has no effect.
Kevin’s very keen to do some ETS grandstanding in front of you and all the rest of the gang at that Copenhagen thing in December. But Malcolm is trying to deny him his place in the global warming sun by demanding a cooling off period.
By the way I hear you get your Peace gong in Oslo during December. Perhaps Kevin could pop over from the Copenhagen Conference for the presentation. It’s only just down the road and it would be good experience for him because I’ve recommended him to the Nobel crowd for a gong in 2010.
I read recently that you used to live in Indonesia. What a shame you didn’t catch an asylum seeker boat and come to live over here. I love Kevin dearly of course and don’t tell him I said this but I think you would have made an even better prime minister.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, cooling off period, Copenhagen, ETS, global warming, Indonesia, Jakarta, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Malaysia, Malcolm Turnbull, New Zealand, Nobel Peace Prize, Obama, Obama Fan Club, people smugglers, Peter Dutton, port-a-loos, President, President of USA, Sri Lanka, Tamil Tigers, Tasmania, Tassie Tigers, Yudhoyono
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Eco-tourism would flourish as would eco-nomics and eco-emissions. There would be an open door policy for terrorists but eco-terrorists would be closely logged.
Loading ...