Story No. 25
‘Barney’ said George ‘you’ve been selected for an undercover mission of the utmost strategic priority’
‘Oh no’ I thought ‘not another’. I got away with the last one when I fooled Dick and Don over the phone. But this had the ominous feel of some really heavy stuff.
‘I wouldn’t ask you’ said George ‘but you are the only one I know with the courage, resourcefulness and unique talent this mission demands’
Now I knew I was in the deep and smelly stuff
‘The fact is Barney’ said George ‘I face an election in a month or two and I’ve received reports that the Democrats are planning a dirty tricks campaign against me’
‘You don’t mean’ I said ‘they’re planning to reveal details of that meeting you had with Osama Bin Laden to plan 9/11’
‘Nothing like that’ said George ‘they’re planning to release false information casting aspersions on my military service record’
‘Good heavens’ I said ‘don’t worry about that. Everybody knows you spent the whole time pissing it up and chasing women’
‘The point is’ said George ‘’we need to get hold of the Democrats’ plan which sets out the details’
‘Ok’ I said ‘so you want me to phone John Kerry’s office pretending to be Dan Rather and ask them to send me a copy’
‘What I want you to do’ said George ‘is break into John Kerry’s home and pinch a copy of the plan which we know is on his desk’
‘Why me?’ I gasped
‘Because’ said George ‘the best way into the Kerry home is through a doggy door and I don’t know anyone else who could get through it’
‘Ok’ I said ‘if they’ve got a doggy door they’ve got a dog. What sort is it?’
‘We believe its a German Shepherd’ said George ‘nothing to worry about. We’ve checked and it will be asleep when you get there’
‘But George’ I protested ‘this is like a rerun of Watergate. If I get caught I’ll go down the toilet like the plumbers’
‘No problem’ said George ‘if you get caught you just play the dumb animal’
In the middle of the night I clambered through the doggy door at the Kerry home and was stealthily making my way across the kitchen when I heard a friendly greeting in dogspeak.
Standing before me was an absolutely gorgeous black terrier bitch
‘What do you want?’ she asked seductively
‘Well’ I said ‘I’ve just dropped in to steal a copy of the dirty tricks campaign John Kerry’s planning against George W’
‘No problem’ she said ‘I’ll fetch you a copy but first I have a great plan for you in my kennel’
It was the best laid plan I’ve ever come across
When I got back to the White House George was absolutely gobsmacked by the success of my mission
‘Great job’ he said ‘how on earth did you do it?’
‘Well George’ I said ‘sometimes when you lie down with dogs you get a lot more than just fleas’
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