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At a Meeting of Kevin’s Spin Doctors - Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

Back from two brilliantly successful assignments in the US Guy the Friday Mash Superfly managed to find space on a wall overlooking an emergency meeting of Kevin’s spin doctors.  Here is his exclusive report.

‘This insulation thing’s an absolute disaster’ said Greg ‘We can’t unload any of the blame onto Malcolm or Tony.  What the hell are we going to do about it?’

‘I think we should re-emphasise Kevin’s commitment to working families’ said Brendan

‘Are you kidding?’ snapped Greg ‘most of them are cowering in their homes frightened their roof is about to catch fire’

‘Perhaps this is the time’ said Sharon ‘to introduce a new idiosyncratic Kevin phrase like ‘systemic programmatic specificities’

‘Perhaps this is the time Shaz for you to get a job with Tony Abbott’ said Greg

‘I’ve got it’ said Brendan ‘we should package Kevin as the Global Statesman’

Illustration: Jim Pavlidis (The Age)

Illustration: Jim Pavlidis (The Age)

‘They’re not going to buy it’ said Greg ‘Copenhagen was an unmitigated Kevin disaster, nobody can understand what he’s talking about in China even when he talks in English and he’s just sent an ambassador to Washington in a wheelchair’

‘Bingo’ said Sharon ‘Kevin 07 plus 3.  The man who saved Australia from a complete insulation disaster by taking the courageous and fearless decision to fire Peter Garrett.

‘Too dangerous’ said Greg ‘he’ll probably have to save Australia from further disasters by courageously and fearlessly firing Nicola Roxon and Stephen Conroy and then maybe the public will start thinking its time to courageously and fearlessly fire Kevin.  Hold that thought on Kevin 07 plus 3 though.  That’s interesting’

‘I’ve had an idea’ said Brendan ‘Obama’s coming here soon.  Perhaps we could persuade him to call Kevin the Wizard of Oz or something’

‘Too dangerous’ said Greg ‘he might get mixed up and call him the Tin Man or the Man of Tin’

‘I know’ said Sharon ‘the Action Man’

‘Oh please’ said Greg ‘That’s just the point.  He hasn’t done anything except hand out money’

‘But’ said Sharon ‘we could portray him as the Super Action Man who takes on and defeats Action Man Abbott’

‘Oh sure’ said Greg ‘I can just see Kevin poleaxing Tony in a boxing ring or wearing budgie smugglers.  On Kevin they’d look more like tadpole smugglers’

‘Ok smarty’ said Sharon ‘what’s your brilliant idea then? If we don’t come up with a new spin strategy soon there’s a danger the public will begin to see Kevin as he really is.

‘My key spin strategy is to get Kevin to accept responsibility for the insulation disaster’ said Greg ‘The public will appreciate the gesture but nobody will seriously believe its his fault.  Then to reinforce that belief he should fire Peter’

‘Brilliant’ said Sharon ‘we can then spin him as the mea culpa prime minister.  The public will suss its Kevin selflessly taking the blame for his incompetent minister’

‘And if it works for insulation’ said Brendan ‘it can work for hospitals, the national broadband network, the ETS …’

‘Yes alright’ said Greg ‘ Let’s get Kevin in to brief him on the mea culpa prime minister spin strategy and Shaz ring Kerry O’Brien to book a date to launch it on The 7.30 Report.

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Tourism New Zealand should advertise itself as a preferred destination for asylum seekers - Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

5th March 2010

Dear Mr President,

It’s been a terrible week here and I feel so sorry for poor Kevin.

I know its been such a strain on him claiming to be perfect all the time but I’m having trouble suddenly adjusting to the fact he’s stuffed up.

You know how Tony Abbott’s always going on about what a non-event he is, well Kevin’s started to agree with him.

As I said to Neville this is just like his mother agreeing with everything I say about her, the old cow. Oops, sorry I always get carried away when I think about her.

Kevin is admitting his mob have totally ballsed up the home insulation scheme, hospitals and supplying school kids with computers. Next he’ll be thanking Tony for helping him understand what a failure he is.

It’s a good job you’re coming to visit him because I’m sure it will help give him a bit of confidence back. Why don’t you tell him when you did that mea culpa stuff in Europe and the Middle East it only helped people understand that the US was as bad as they’d always thought it was.

By the way while you’re here please don’t mention the ETS. Now you’re not doing one it will only make Kevin feel like a bit of a goose.

We’re still hopeful that you can visit the Club.The local bakery has promised us buns with stars and stripes icing.

I’m pretty sure the Eels have got a home game while you’re here. Neville and I are both members so there would be no problem getting you good tickets.

This week the Club’s World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most profound issues facing this region “What is New Zealand’s future role in world affairs?” I wasn’t prepared for what followed.

Cyril reckoned it is the ideal place to test Tony Abbott’s latest idea for tackling global warming, a huge snow-making machine.

Marge said it should become the next centre for world terrorism and give the Middle East a chance to settle things down a bit.

Our Mavis’ Bert saw the country as the centre for another major initiative against global warming, the grass diet. Twenty-two million sheep can’t be wrong. He reckoned that the New Zealand diet is an issue which has been eating away at sheep for some time.

Mildred believed New Zealand offered the ideal environment for the world’s leading sex addiction academy. She should know, she’s a qualified instructor.

Ron thought it should be declared a Peter Garrett free zone because it was already insulated from the rest of the world.

Doris suggested that the Australian Government should launch an advertising campaign in Afghanistan and Sri Lanka promoting New Zealand as the preferred destination for asylum seekers.

Fred was convinced that New Zealand’s future role in world affairs was similar to having your head in the sand at the end of a bungee jump.

I summed it all up by saying that my Kiwi mates would never speak to me again if they heard what had been said. And please don’t mention anything to Kevin.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Thugs - rugby season starts and parliament is in full swing - Thursday, March 4th, 2010

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The Face of Labor
The NSW Government’s latest cunning plan is to present themselves as the Kristina Party rather than Labor. The new advertising campaign is reportedly having no impact in raising voter support for the Labor Government but it could result in Kristina getting loads of invitations to do centrefolds for men’s magazines.
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Top Spin
Kevin didn’t apologise when the home insulation scheme horrors first came to light and he didn’t apologise for Peter Garrett’s stuff-ups or six thousand lost jobs. He finally apologised when the spin doctors convinced him that he was on a sticky wicket which would take spin.
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A New League of Their Own
If you happen to see drunks assaulting people in pubs or urinating in the street don’t be alarmed; they are merely the traditional signs that a new rugby league season is about to begin.
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Weak Support
The week before Kevin fired Peter Garrett he said ‘I support Minister Garrett this week and I’ll still support him next week’. Yes it’s true what they say about a week in politics.
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Dynamic Duo
A night club in Sydney is reported to have insulation problems. Seems like a case of Peter Garrett meets Tiger Woods.
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Browned Off
If Gordon Brown is no longer the UK Prime Minister after the upcoming election he has the qualifications for a range of other top jobs like the President of Venezuela, Zimbabwe or Iran. Bully for him.
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Not Sorry For Himself
On Q&A last Monday, Peter Garrett said he hadn’t done anything he should apologise for and seemed non-plussed that Kevin had apologised for him. He doesn’t seem to realise what a sorry figure he has become although he might apologise for Kevin.
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House Rules
Now that we’ve got Peter Garrett out of our roofs the next challenge is getting Tony Abbott out of our bedrooms.
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Batt an eyelid - Friday, February 26th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

26th February 2010

Dear Mr President,

You are just not going to believe this. All four of those people who came to the Sarah Palin Roast and half-price beer night came back for our club meeting this week and are now paid up members. So that takes us to a total of twenty-two and there were actually twenty-three at the meeting because the cleaning lady stayed on.

Great excitement here this week over the government’s insulation scheme. It’s been a big shock to everyone and Peter Garrett’s in deep doodoo over it. Mind you it only goes to prove what I’ve always said. Greenies like Peter are great at stirring the possum but get them to organise something like batts in your belfry and they’re totally out of their environment.

You’re not going to believe this either. Tony Abbott’s given up sex for Lent. Neville said it was Mary MacKillop’s third miracle.

I saw Malcolm Turnbull on the telly last night and I can’t believe I’m saying this but he almost came across as likeable. You can’t help admiring him for supporting Kevin’s ETS although he probably hasn’t got the faintest idea what it’s all about just like the rest of us.

It doesn’t look like Malcolm will get a decent gig in the Coalition while the Mad Monk’s in charge so I hope Kevin finds a decent job for him. I wrote to him suggesting he should organise a new political party called the Don’t Knows. They’re already ahead of the Greens in the polls.

I had prepared to discuss some really profound international issues at the World Affairs Think Tank this week but all they wanted to talk about was the ETS and climate change. So I hastily changed the subject to ‘Climate Change, the ETS and ERF; are they all a con job?’

Cyril said he’d watched the weather forecast on Channel Nine News every day for over twenty years and there was no sign of the climate changing.

Marge said she hadn’t got a clue what the ETS is about. She couldn’t believe that the government wanted to charge everyone for smoke. She claimed her Alf blew smoke out of his backside at least twice a day and the ETS would make him unaffordable.

Our Mavis’ Bert said he had really tried hard to understand Tony Abbott’s ERF. He believed it was basically about persuading people to stay home in the dark, because electricity would be too expensive, and spend more time having sex as long as it wasn’t during Lent, with a catholic priest or with one of his daughters.

Mildred as usual was right on the money. She claimed that Copenhagen was a disaster because there’s no one size fit all climate change solution. Every country should decide what climate it wants and design an ETS or an ERF to make it happen. We should leave all the world stuff to Al Gore and also Kevin because obviously Australia doesn’t emit enough carbon to keep him fully interested.

I summed it all up by saying whatever our views we should all take part in Clean-up Australia this year. I couldn’t see what it’s got to do with climate change but I was sure there is a connection somewhere. What’s more this year there will be loads of waste batts to clean up.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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The Non-Stop Buck - Friday, February 26th, 2010

The Buck at the moment is very confused. It has been hovering around Canberra for some time ready to stop at the person responsible for the insulation debacle. But each time the stop sign is about to appear it keeps getting passed on to someone else.

You can’t blame the Buck for being a bit miffed. The home insulation scheme is the stuff-up of the century but there’s no government co-operation in identifying the person it should stop at to perform its solemn public duty of apportioning the blame.

Kevin’s office is a designated Buck no-stopping zone and anyway it is inconceivable that the Buck should stop with him when all he did was go through the roof at all those experts who told him that the insulation scheme was a lemon. He had determined that nothing was going to stop it electrifying the nation.

Wayne has taken some credit for the stimulus package but there’s no chance the insulation stimulus Buck will stop with him. He is far too expert at passing it. He’s still lauded for his brilliant pass to Godwin Grech during the Utegate scandal.

Peter Garrett is the most obvious place for the Buck to stop. All it would take is his resignation or a tap on the shoulder from Kevin. In fact the Buck has already been as far as his office door before it was passed to the shonky installers.

The Buck however decided it was illogical to stop with a few installers when the scheme was a complete national disaster and they were only picking up the bucks eagerly passed on by the government.

Peter Garrett was warned twenty-odd times the scheme had hair-raising implications but for some reason he failed to feel anything.

Peter’s department apparently hadn’t got the faintest idea about administering a scheme of such complexity. It never occurred to them that battmen could also be robbin’.

Some experts blame John Howard for the scheme’s failure and believe the Buck should stop with him. However the Buck has its pride and having failed to stop with him so many times before it is reluctant to face further humiliation.

It’s true the Buck has also taken more than a passing interest in stopping with Stephen Conroy. Its interest has been attracted by the national broadband network, Telstra, handouts to television stations and jobs for the boys. The Buck recognises a trainwreck when it sees one and calculates how it can meet the driver at a mutually convenient stop.

Unfortunately the Buck can’t stop of its own volition or at the behest of Tony Abbott. Only an admission, a resignation or a firing constitutes a valid stop sign. Buck passing in Canberra has become such a consummate skill that the Wallabies coaching staff are taking an interest.

So while Credit is regularly taken by Kevin & Co for the stimulus package, the insulation stimulus Buck is still being passed around. But the Buck knows political insulation has a strict use-by date so as it passes from person to person it is reassured in the knowledge it will eventually stop with somebody.

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Lifes a Beach, Garrett goes up in flames, Love of Sport - Friday, February 26th, 2010

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Putt and Take
Tiger Woods is reportedly making a comeback later this year. No word yet on which nightclub it will be at.
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Life’s a Beach
Environmentalists are concerned that the rising tide of ETS dissent could erode Penny Wong and wash her away.
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Doomsday Scenario
The International Atomic Energy Agency has expressed concern that Peter Garrett might one day become the Australian minister responsible for the development of nuclear power stations.
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The Love of Sport
If sex becomes an Olympic sport will Tiger Woods switch codes?
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Getting Better
Obama has taken steps to involve Republicans in developing his healthcare plan. The aborigines could teach him more about bush medicine than George.
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Poor Batting
The Government’s insulation debacle has had a marked effect on house design. Nobody wants a garret in their roof anymore.
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Dear John
Now it turns out that just like Andrew Peacock and Peter Costello, Malcolm Fraser can’t stand John Howard either. But on the other hand there’s George W. Bush and Tony Abbott who think John is great while no one’s even bothered to ask Mark Latham yet and he’s normally very liberal with his opinions.
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Insulated from Terrorism
There was intense debate in federal parliament this week about whether the home insulation scheme was a bigger threat to the community than home-grown terrorism. It’s a close run thing but Friday Mash sincerely believes the Federal Government is less of a threat than Al Qaeda.
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In Al Gore’s Washington DC Office - Friday, February 19th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to the snowy wastes of Washington DC to send this exclusive report from high up on a wall in Al Gore’s office.

Al was on the phone to Kevin Rudd.

‘Kevin I can’t believe those Liberal assholes down there are still blocking your ETS. Don’t they care about the future of mankind? What’s that you say? Yes it was unfortunate that my forecast about polar bears becoming extinct was wrong. Of course I’m happy for the polar bears but its important to convince people that global warming is a huge disaster’

He broke off to yell out to his assistant ‘Hey Martha can’t you turn the heating up in here, I’m freezing’

‘There’s mountains of snow round here’ he continued to Kevin ‘and people refuse to understand its all caused by global warming. Then there’s that extraordinarily warm weather in Vancouver for the Olympic Games. It’s amazing that people can still be so hot and cold about climate change’

‘Is there any of those Pacific Islands under water yet? No, oh well that’s surprising. Please let me know the minute one looks like becoming inundated. I’ve got my film unit on stand-by. What’s that? Could I help with rescuing the population? Well I guess I could fit a couple in my executive jet but it would be a squeeze’

‘I was thrilled to hear about the incredible plan you and Peter Garrett put together to insulate so many homes in Australia. Yes I know it’s a shame that eighty-odd caught fire but that’s not going to have a major impact on carbon emissions’

He breaks off again to call out to his assistant ‘Martha I’m about to start suffering hypothermia. For Pete’s sake turn up the heating. Yes I know it will mean increased emissions but I’ll plant a couple of trees or something’

Back on the phone to Kevin. ‘I can’t believe there’s glaciers melting all over the world but there’s no sign of it happening to the snow in Washington dammit. And meanwhile you’re suffering all those fires and droughts in Australia. What, there’s no fires and it’s pouring with rain everywhere? Don’t lose faith Kevin I’m sure you’ll be ravaged by global warming soon’

‘Is there anything I can do to help you convince Tony Abbott and all those other Neanderthals down there. What’s wrong with these people, haven’t they read my book and seen my film? I’d fly down there but I’m terribly conscious of the size of my carbon footprint’

‘Hey good news. Its just come through on my television channel that they’ve had to postpone some events at the Olympics because of the unseasonally warm weather. Look I’ve got to let you go because my feet are going numb’

‘Emergency’ he yelled to Martha ‘Go out and buy a heater or a sack of coal and bugger the damned emissions’

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Understanding Australian Ways - Friday, February 19th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

19th February 2010

Mr President,

I can’t tell you how excited we all are about your visit. Marge almost had to go to emergency last week because she was overheating.

The mayor is standing by and thinks he can get the day off if you can find time to visit Beauthaven. We haven’t heard back from your social secretary yet so perhaps you could jog her memory.

Instead of our usual World Affairs Think Tank this week the Club put on a Sarah Palin Roast and Half-Price Beer Night. It was a huge success but I think Neville got a bit upset about some of the things they said about Sarah because he fancies her just like Hillary. He once told me I was the same type as Sarah. Next thing he’ll be inviting me out moose-shooting.

I’m really excited that the Club picked up four new members at the Roast but I‘m not convinced we’ll keep them once the beer goes back to full price.

The committee thought it would be useful if I passed on a few tips about Australia to help you plan your trip. I know the embassy in Canberra will be briefing you but its not like they live in Australia.

Now I know you’re used to flying into major capital cities like London and Washington. Flying into Canberra may be a bit of a shock. Don’t be surprised if it seems like you’re flying into Kevin’s country estate instead.

The airport building is about half as big as Air Force One. In fact while you’re there some people might mistake it for the airport building.

Canberra’s not what you’d call a shopper’s paradise. If Michele wants to do any shopping here I suggest you drop her off in Sydney and I’ll show her round.

Mildred suggested I reassure you that it will be quite safe to go into the Australian Parliament because Peter Garrett hasn’t insulated the roof.

By the way there’s a whole lot of Afghans and Sri Lankans in Indonesia who are trying to get into Australia. When you call in there make sure your security guys are on the lookout for potential stowaways on Air Force One. It wouldn’t be a good look if you disembarked in Sydney with a bunch of asylum seekers.

You might have to be sprayed by the immigration authorities before you land in Canberra but usually they only spray septics who are Republicans.

I know you’ll have a great time in Canberra chatting up Kevin and Julia. They’re such lovely people. And I know you’ll do your best to be polite when you meet Tony Abbott and Joe Hockey; don’t be surprised if Joe’s dressed as Tinkerbell. And if Barnaby Joyce tells you to ‘bugger off’ that’s only the Nationals way of trying to be matey.

Oh and don’t be surprised by the Federal Parliament Building being partly underground. They designed it that way to conceal the fact that our politicians have got their heads buried in the sand.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Sexual Education from Tony Abbott - Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

12th February 2010

Mr President,

I’m terribly worried about you and Kevin.

How can the two most brilliant, charismatic and loved leaders of our time be taking a bath in the opinion polls? Doesn’t the public recognise messiahs when they see them?

I know its all about democracy and everyone being entitled to their own opinion but how on earth could anyone rank Sarah Palin and Tony Abbott in the same league as you two?

Admittedly that Palin woman has got a bit of get up and go about her, is a dab hand at moose shooting and I’m sure Neville secretly fancies her but she does tend to shriek a bit and if she was invited to a tea party round here no-one else would turn up. Imagine her having the audacity to believe she’s in the same league as Hillary and all the other women Bill knows.

And as for Tony Abbott he’s just a rugby rah-rahing boxing, cycling, bush firefighting, womanising, ironmaning, lifesaving, Rhodes Scholaring, budgie smuggling larrikin who thinks that Kevin is nothing but a toxically boring, preening and prissying little two-faced nerd. There’s just no comparison. Neville can’t stand Tony because he didn’t play rugby league.

Kevin appeals to women much more than Tony. That’s because Tony’s dated most of them and they know what he’s like. He spent most of his younger years persuading them to give up their virginity and, mark my words, his big promise at the next election will be to give them all back.

This week the club’s World Affairs Think Tank tackled an education issue of profound worldwide relevance; ‘Should we teach sex in schools?‘ We selected it specially to give you some guidance on future policy development in this vital area.

Marge made an unusually incisive contribution. She said it all depended on how you interpreted the question. She is all in favour of teaching sex in schools but not having sex in schools. Apparently it put her off for years.

Our Mavis’ Bert was adamant that teachers should be taught sex in schools because the students already know more than they do.

Gert wanted to know if there would be any homework and would it involve any practical assignments.

Cyril saw great opportunities to establish joint projects between boys and girls schools using a sophisticated ‘you can look at mine if I can look at yours’ teaching method.
Mildred was very much in favour of teaching drugs and rock and roll as well as sex. Further she pointed out that if girls were taught lap and pole dancing as well it would help them build on their sex education by opening up career opportunities.

Mervyn saw a problem in catholic schools where priests have traditionally taught the wrong sort of sex. He stressed that priests have got a strong track record on teaching the theory of marriage before sex but of course the practice is a virtual impossibility for them.

I summed it all up by saying that schools should have a place for teaching sex but it was still likely to be behind the toilet block or on the back seat of the headmaster’s car.

You will let me know if there’s anything special you would like Think Tank to tackle wont you?

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Abbott saving his virginity, trillions in debt, Swan attacks Joyce - Thursday, February 11th, 2010

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Wonderful, Wonderful Copenhagen
Kevin took 114 delegates to the Copenhagen Conference. Friday Mash can now confirm there were no fatalities on this mission and all have returned safely. Some delegates however reportedly suffered hypothermia, a couple had mental breakdowns trying to make sense of it all and one was rescued from a snowdrift by a great dane.

The Greatest Moral Challenge of our Time
Tony Abbott is keen that his Emissions Reduction Fund should retain its virginity as long as possible and is determined to stop Kevin stuffing it.

Thanks a Trillion
A White House spokesman has confirmed that Obama wont be bringing the US debt to Australia. China owns such a large part of of it they insist he leaves it there for safe keeping while he’s overseas.

Unseasonal Greetings
Despite rumours that he is planning to seek asylum in Australia immigration authorities will not insist Obama travels here from Indonesia via Christmas Island. On the other hand there is still a widespread view that his first coming in Australia should be at Christmas.

A Case of Whether
The good news for Australia on climate change is that NZ now has an ETS up and running. Obviously the sensible thing for Kevin to do is check whether it has any effect on global warming before trying to launch one here.

Tally Ban
Following an extensive research study the Taliban will not be fielding any candidates in the NSW State Election in 2011. Surprisingly the study showed they were even less popular than the current Labor Government.

Floored
Consistent with Kevin’s beneficence in providing jobs for opposition members it is expected that after Malcolm crosses the floor to vote for the ETS he will be offered the job of cleaning it.

Rejoyce
It is difficult to understand why Wayne Swan and Lindsay Tanner are so critical of Barnaby Joyce. He’s helping the Labor Government immeasurably more than they are.

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