Opposition Leader Tony Abbott is a devout Catholic and the fear is that he will run Australia like the Catholic Church if he is voted PM
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Posts Tagged ‘Tony Abbott’
Tony Abbott running the Monastery - Thursday, August 19th, 2010
Budgie Smugglers and People Smugglers - Friday, June 4th, 2010
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly managed to land on a wall at the location of a recent meeting between prominent people smugglers in Indonesia. He has just sent in this exclusive report.
‘It’s an absolute outrage’ said Kris ‘Tony Abbott’s new policy could put us out of business’
‘I know’ said Gus ‘what’s more it’s inhumane. He’s proposing to send our boats back here when most of them are scarcely seaworthy enough to make it to Christmas Island let alone make a return trip’
‘The Australian Government is a joke’ said Andi ‘We can’t afford to send the asylum seekers in decent boats because they conviscate them all. If they allowed us to do return trips we could afford to use boats with passenger lounges and put on a catering service’
‘It’s difficult to understand their mindset’ said Gus ‘they have this population expansion policy so they need immigrants but we get dumped on for making it happen’
‘Well’ said Kris ‘I hope they understand they’re in danger of losing their status as the world’s number one asylum seeker destination. It’s almost as difficult working with Rudd as it would be with Abbott’
‘We’ll have to think about sailing to a different asylum’ said Andi
‘How about New Zealand?’
‘Good heavens’ said Andi ‘I know we can be pretty ruthless bastards but we’re not that bad’
‘If only the Australian Government would get out of the way said Kris ‘we’ve got enough punters in the supply line to repopulate Darwin’
‘It’s ironic’ said Gus ‘that the Aussies are going on about the wonderful cultural diversity asylum seekers bring to the joint yet they’re sending the Federal Police over here to hunt us down like we’re criminals’
‘I can’t believe it’ said Andi ‘you would think we’d be in line for a United Nations humanitarian award for all the great work we do helping persecuted people find a sanctuary. I must say there are days when I feel quite humanitarian’
‘And the Aussies criticise us for charging the asylum seekers too much’ said Gus ‘ Do they think we are running a bloody benevolent society?’
‘Is there any chance Abbott will get elected?’ asked Kris
‘There’s a chance’ said Andi ‘so we’ve got to get some contingency plans together because we might go back to the inhumane days of that ghastly John Howard. How about if we start a selection process and only accept genuine refugees?’
‘’That wouldn’t impress Abbott’ said Kris ‘he doesn’t believe there is such a thing as genuine refugees. I’m thinking of using a submarine which only surfaces when it gets to Christmas Island’
‘The problem is’ said Gus ‘that the bastard Aussies would conviscate it just like any planes we sent over. All we would be doing is restocking their navy and air force for nothing’
‘Let’s buy the Tampa’ said Kris
‘Don’t be stupid’ said Gus ‘that would be a sure way to get Abbott elected’
‘I’ve got it’ said Andi ‘let’s offer to pay the Aussie Government a super profits tax’
‘Don’t be ridiculous’ said Gus ‘not even the mining companies can afford to pay that’
Elections Can Be Harmful to Your Health - Friday, June 4th, 2010
Canberra Report by Dick Head
Elections Can Be Harmful to Your Health
There are already signs of mental stress right across the Australian community as the realisation takes hold that no matter how you vote at the upcoming federal election it will result in either Kevin Rudd or Tony Abbott becoming prime minister.
And as if that awful reality is not enough it will be preceded by an excruciatingly mind-numbing election campaign lasting six weeks.
Mental health experts are extremely concerned about the potential of this sudden barrage of political bullshit and badinage to cause people to go absolutely barking.
In order to lessen the impact they recommend a pre-conditioning treatment which consists of listening to recordings of Kevin and Barnaby Joyce trying to explain the super profits tax. Anyone surviving just one week of this treatment is guaranteed immunity from election insanity.
Further they recommend that the public should look on the bright side and take heart from the fact this election holds no prospect of Malcolm Turnbull, Wayne Swan, Bob Brown, Julie Bishop, Penny Wong or Peter Garrett becoming prime minister.
Julia’s prospects depend on the relative job performance of Kevin as prime minister and Barry Hall as full forward for the Western Bulldogs. As Barry is clearly outperforming Kevin at the moment she seems much more likely to get the PM gig than spearhead the Dogs.
The electorate should be mindful of the dangers of using election promises as the basis for their vote. They have as much validity as a Pom opener promising to make a century before he goes out to bat in an Ashes Test.
Kevin’s track record of delivering on election promises is conservatively appalling. He may be too embarrassed to make any at the next election. Nevertheless voters should be aware of his propensity for promises like Christmas Island land rights for asylum seekers and green jobs for miners made redundant by the super profits tax.
A promise by Tony to get rid of Kevin however could be his most powerful electoral asset.
The likelihood that he will promise to use pedal power on a new budget cycle when he’s in the saddle could cause voters merely to view him as a saddle-sore pain in the arse.
Undoubtedly one of the key objectives of the next election will be to prevent a group of strange green senators from Tasmania causing legislative pollution in the federal parliament.
It’s a scandal that there is no provision in Kevin’s hospitals plan for special centres to treat mental illness caused by election campaigns. Reading this column is still the only accredited treatment.
Have you seen a Kristina?
Political commentators believe that the only chance the NSW Labor Government has of winning the Penrith by-election is a daily striptease by Kristina in the town centre.
So far voters are shattered that Kristina is going nowhere near the place and they’re getting a daily dose of Barry O’Farrell instead, thankfully with his clothes on.
In a wonderful humanitarian gesture the Liberal Party is preparing to offer free psychiatric treatment to anyone intending to vote Labor.
Dick Head is almost fully recovered from the last federal election.
Aint That The Truth - Friday, May 28th, 2010
The Friday Mash team of NoSpin Doctors have had a particularly challenging week. They have been desperately trying to identify what Tony Abbott would have said had he been totally honest about his dishonesty.
Spurred on by an unswerving dedication to bring the inspiration of truth to a bewildered public they finally arrived at a summary of what they believe Tony would like to say were he free from the shackles of spin and political subterfuge.
“I’ve always had the reputation as a straight shooter who tells the truth.” Goodness knows how that happened.
The spin doctors have taught me to ‘um’ and ‘ah’ a lot. This gives me time when answering a question to decide whether to answer a different one, make a policy statement, prevaricate, procrastinate, or in very rare instances tell the truth as long as it doesn’t set a precedent.
Contrary to popular opinion politicians are never dishonest except for most of the Labor Party. Politicians however are prone to mis-speak, suffer political amnesia, become disingenuous or recite disingenuous mis-speak sent out by the spin doctors.
If I’m asked a question like ‘Do you think Barnaby Joyce was a good choice as Finance Minister?’ the obvious answer is ‘no, he was absolute crap’. But obviously I can’t say that because it would piss off Barnaby and the Nationals, give the Labor Party a free kick and make me look like an absolute twit for appointing him.
So I spin an answer like ‘Barnaby was selected from a huge selection of first-class candidates for a specific short-term assignment. He performed brilliantly, made Lindsay Tanner look like an absolute goose and was moved to a regional portfolio more suited to his talents’. Everybody recognises that its spin and I get brownie points for showing new-age sensitivity and not dumping the stupid ratbag.
When I admitted that sometimes I don’t tell the truth I was astonished by the reaction. No-one thought I was spinning or mis-speaking as usual and everyone dumped on me for telling the truth. Well if that’s the reaction I don’t know why I bother to be so truthful.
Julia had the cheek to call me Phony Tony. If she tells many more porkies her nose will soon be as long as Pinocchio’s. Next she’ll be telling us that all the BER stuff was built at cost price It would be a waste of time to give her a lie-detector test. She’s needs a truth detector.
I’m sure you noticed they didn’t roll out Kevin to call me Phony Tony. The only truthful thing he’s said since he came to office was ‘Malcolm’s not fit to be prime minister.
Despite the setbacks I shall continue my quest to encourage honesty in the political process and in a few months I’ll confess to being occasionally dishonest again just to check whether other politicians are honest enough not to believe me.
On the other hand I’ll have to be careful not to push this honesty thing too far. The Australian Democrats ran on the slogan ‘Keeping the Bastards Honest’ and look what happened to them.
Just a further thought. Why did everybody kick up such a fuss when I confessed I don’t tell the truth sometimes? Everybody knew that already”.
The Wayning Economy - Friday, May 28th, 2010
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
28th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I’m terribly worried abut Wayne. He’s come up with this budget which all depends on gouging squillions out of the mining industry and I think he’s totally stuffed it.
This Hooray Henry bloke did a review of the Aussie Tax System and comes up with a hundred and thirty odd recommendations to reduce the number of taxes and one to introduce a new one. And so what do you think Wayne does? You’ve guessed it. He ignores the one hundred and thirty odd recommendations but introduces the new tax.
Even Tony Abbott could see that was asking for trouble let alone Blind Freddie.
Wayne is promising to do all sorts of wonderful things on corporate tax and super and save us from debt with money he hasn’t got and doesn’t look like getting. It’s like me promising to buy Neville a brewery from my winnings when the Eels win the premiership in September.
I can’t believe dear Kevin agreed to all this. He must have been smoking something.
Believe me I’m not a fan of the mining companies, but if Wayne carries on with this super profits thing they’ll soon be exporting themselves rather than iron ore.
Then a crack will appear in Wayne’s bottom line and he’ll start crapping over all of us.
I think Kevin and Wayne are actually trying to kibosh Western Australia because they’ve got a state Liberal Government who won’t cough a third of their GST to Kevin for hospitals. They’re worried that if they don’t slow down the mining industry over there the WA economy will soon be bigger than the rest of Australia.
The threat of the new mining tax has sent the Aussie dollar plunging. Wayne has single-handedly already increased the cost of our Fiji holiday by ten percent. I feel like sending him the bill.
Then he has the absolute gall to say that his super profits tax will be good for the mining industry because it will slow things down. I mean doesn’t the clown understand it will also slow his super tax receipts down? I think Wayne’s losing it.
I’ve written a letter to Kevin suggesting that Wayne should have some time off to export himself to China.
We discussed the super profits tax at the Obama Fan Club this week. Marge who is an even bigger Kevin supporter than I am thinks that Wayne’s doing all this because he goes on holiday to Noosa and the falling dollar doesn’t affect him.
Mavis’ cousin works down a mine and says if Kevin is right and our minerals belong to all Australians why won’t they let him take home his share every night?
Albert thinks Wayne is a financial genius and compared with Albert he probably is.
I feel so strongly about it that I’ve also written to Kevin warning him that a super profits tax will put an end to super profits. Although I must say that if Twiggy Forrest’s bank balance becomes as slim as that other Twiggy it won’t fuss me too much.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Out, Out Damned Spot - Friday, May 28th, 2010
There’s a hint of something sinister in the air in Canberra. Politicians have been doing even weirder things than usual.
First the ghostly Godwin Grech spooked Malcolm, then Kevin contracted compulsive backflip disorder, Tony has let Kerry O’Brien make an honest dishonest man of him and now Wayne is trying to convert the mining industry into an extension of the Tax Department.
Friday Mash’s confidential investigative sources in Canberra believe they’re on to something. They are possibly uncovering evidence that senior female federal ministers have formed a witches’ coven and are hatching sinister plots. Could it be that Julia Gillard, Nicola Roxon and Penny Wong have decided to stir the pot and weave their malicious magic?
Penny obviously blames Tony for her post fatal depression over the ETS. Nicola must be sick and tired of trailing Kevin round hospitals like a mid-wife in case he gave birth to something or had to abort another promise. All three are Tonyphobic because he’s against abortions and they believe Kevin should be able to have one whenever he wants.
But above all Kevin’s sent them stir crazy because they all thought he was full of promise and he’s turned out to be merely full of himself. Wayne’s now taking credit for everything and has to be stopped before Visa and American Express cancel his cards.
Rumour hath it that wicked spells abound.
Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Government sources are still not worried. They have been saying for months that Kevin needs a spell. But if he’s gone off the boil the cauldron certainly hasn’t.
When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning or in rain
These wild chants echoing around Canberra are starting to get people worried. It has been confirmed that there have been no current productions of Macbeth in the city. Someone suggested they might be coming from a group concerned about climate change.
Round about the cauldron go
In the poisoned entrails throw
There is no clear indication of the nature of these poisoned entrails but a watch is being kept at hospitals to check whether John Howard has his appendix or his gall bladder removed.
Eye of newt and toe of frog
Wool of bat and tongue of dog
Throwing in batts wool is really going to add insulation fuel to the fire.
Canberra is rife with rumours. Is Julie Bishop under a spell or does she always look like that? Will Bronwyn emerge in the terrifying image of Lady Macbeth and act as though she’s married to Kevin?
Are Julia, Nicola and Penny even now shrieking the hideous chants and casting the diabolical spells which will render Kevin ready for a tap on the shoulder from Julia’s broomstick?
Fair is foul and foul is fair
Hover through the fog and filthy air
Lead on MacDuff. Someone’s got to find a way through all those carbon emissions.
The NoSpin Doctors - Thursday, May 20th, 2010
For some time Friday Mash has perceived that politicians have a serious communication problem. Political rhetoric is becoming increasingly detached from reality.
Some argue it is unreasonable to expect politicians to tell the truth when it could cost them votes or their job. Others are concerned that politicians could lose all credibility if they become totally disconnected from the bleedin’ obvious.
For example Julia sees the building of an education revolution while the public sees revoltingly overpriced and undersized school buildings.
NoSpin Doctors is yet another political public service from Friday Mash. We have assembled a team with world class expertise in derevolutionising spin and getting to the truth of the matter. Their first assignment is to help you understand what Kevin might have said about the ETS if he wasn’t a prime political spinner.
Here is their NoSpin version.
“Climate change was very effective in helping me win the 07 election and also in identifying me as a world-class statesman and future Secretary General of the United Nations.
I called climate change ‘The greatest moral challenge of our generation’ because that was the best slogan the spin doctors could come up with and it made me sound really committed.
There’s no doubt that Malcolm Turnbull is an all-time bombastic pompous twit but it was great to have him onside in the ETS debate.
I became convinced that the ETS was an absolute no-brainer because it raised tons of taxes, needed a whole new level of bureaucracy and reduced the Coalition to a heap of carbon-emiting ashes.
Everything was proceeding brilliantly until that prime pain in the arse Tony Abbott rolled Malcolm and the ETS went down the tubes together with my chances of being the star of the Copenhagen Conference.
I acknowledge that Penny and I exaggerated the consequences of not passing the ETS legislation through the Parliament before Copenhagen. I’m sure people understood that bushfires, droughts and raging seas would not actually engulf Australia before Christmas but I was apprehensive that if I went to Copenhagen without an ETS no-one would take any notice of me. At least I got that right.
In retrospect I have to admit that Tony was right about not rushing ahead with the ETS before Copenhagen and of course the Coalition was quite right to throw it out in the Senate.
If it had passed Australia would be lumbered with a massive tax on everything and be hopelessly uncompetitive in world markets. I only wish I’d heeded Tony’s advice sooner.
My decision to abandon the ETS and a few other difficult projects has caused my poll numbers to drop. But I do not shrink from the tough decisions needed to axe projects resulting from my stupid decisions in the first place.
Yes it’s true the ETS is a massive tax on everything and Penny and I were less than frank about its true impacts, but I think it’s a bit rich that from Beijing to London and right across Australia I am now being subjected to an outbreak of global cooling.”
Coming Full Circle - Thursday, May 20th, 2010
In the Nick of Time
For major political parties seeking to form a government these days it seems to be either a case of Nick Clegg, Nick McKim or Nick Off.
Coming Full Circle
Jessica Watson spent seven months ending up back where she started. Unfortunately it seems to be taking Kevin a lot longer.
Economic Minefield
Financial commentators believe that Wayne’s budget will have roughly the same effect on the mining industry as the global financial crisis.
Ain’t That The Truth
If Tony Abbott says he’s going to re-introduce WorkChoices the Labor Party and the unions will believe him. If he says he’s not going to re-introduce WorkChoices they won’t believe him. So it really doesn’t matter whether he tells the truth or not.
Mining Your Own Business
Iron ore miners are very concerned that Kevin has gone into the steal business.
Barry Hall for Prime Minister
Julia Gillard claims she’s got more chance of becoming a full forward at the Western Bulldogs than prime minister. That’s what they used to say about Kevin and he was hopeless at sport as well.
Shouldn’t be Sniffed at
Personal hygiene experts have warned it will take more than a deodorant to solve Kevin’s pits problem.
The Gold Crush
If the mining industry is the goose that lays the golden egg will Wayne be the Swan that cracks it?
Own Goal
The game of Hockey was a loss for the Opposition because they hadn’t budgeted for it.
Kevin By Any Other Name - Thursday, May 6th, 2010
This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly managed to find space on a wall in Tony Abbott’s office as he discussed Coalition strategies with Julie Bishop and Joe Hockey. Guy has just filed this exclusive report from Canberra.
‘Kevin should be in a circus’ said Tony ‘he could double as a clown and an acrobat’
‘Its not easy to do backflips’ said Julie ‘when you’re sucking a sauce bottle and doing a GST juggling act with WA’
‘And he’s a consummate coward’ said Tony ‘For our next televised appearance together I’d challenge him to a boxing match if it weren’t for the fact he’d send Julia instead. But he’d be ideal to play the part of the worm’
‘But let’s face it’ said Joe ‘he’s got a health policy’
‘I wonder who he’ll get to clean up that mess’ mused Tony ‘I see he’s brought Wayne Swan out of hibernation to take the blame for the budget and the Super Profits Tax’
‘We’ve got to develop a Kevin slogan’ said Julie ‘which clearly identifies the mess he’s making of things. How about Kevin the Coward?’
‘That’s good’ said Joe ‘ I suggest Kevin the Craven Coward’
‘I know’ said Julie ‘Kevin is a Spineless Coward’
‘Got it’ said Joe ‘Lets call him old jellyback’
‘No’ said Tony ‘that’s what Peter Walsh called Bob Hawke and he was Richard the Lionheart compared with Kevin. I’ve got a brilliant idea on policy development by the way. Kevin’s policies are such a horse’s arse that all I have to do is promise the exact opposite. For example, uncovered inside forgetting areas, unfair work choice, no batts in the belfry and action against global cooling by lighting bushfires in Antarctica and watching them over a frozen dinner with Christine Nixon’
‘I’ve got it’ said Julie ‘Kevin’s a punk without spunk’
‘He’s like a bowler without balls’ said Joe
‘We need a decent taxation policy’ said Julie
‘Good idea’ said Tony ‘I’ll ring Ken Henry. He may have a few ideas now he’s got that Review out of the way. How about the knackerless nerd?’
‘No I like the word Coward’ said Julie ‘look what it did for John Howard’
‘I’ve got a great idea for funding my new health policy’ said Tony ‘I’ll insure the health of the country with Medibank and then after Kevin’s left it in bad shape I’ll get a huge payout for all the treatment it needs’
‘Brilliant’ said Joe ‘I’ve got it. He’s two balls short of an over’
‘Love it’ said Tony ‘get the spin doctors on to it straight away. Now who’s coming with me to run a marathon?’
‘You go Julie’ said Joe ‘I’ve got to run a finance meeting. Hey how about ‘he’s just like Brett Lee, he’s been no-balled’
‘No’ said Tony ‘I still like the ‘over’ one. Is there any thing else we can do to stuff Kevin?’
‘Well you could have an affair with Julia Gillard’ said Joe ‘but for heavens sake don’t claim the motel room on your parliamentary expenses’
Death and Taxes - Thursday, May 6th, 2010
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
7th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
You know how much I love Kevin but I can’t help feeling a bit shitty with him this week.
If there’s one thing Neville and I hate more than the Eels being beaten by Manly its doing tax returns. They’re such a damned nuisance and if you make a mistake the Tax Office treats you like a Manly supporter at Parramatta Stadium.
So when Kevin and Wayne got some Hooray Henry to do a review of the tax system ‘Hoo-bloody-ray’ I thought. He’s bound to find that we’re spending far too much time on being government tax agents and they’re nicking far too much tax off us.
Would you believe Hooray Henry made one hundred and thirty-eight recommendations to change the tax system and Kevin’s activated two.
I’m outraged. Not a single word of apology from anyone about taking up too much of our time filling in GSTs and BASs and taking too much tax off us, nor a word of thanks for all the thousands Neville and I have contributed over the years.
And I’ll tell you what really gets my goat. There was diddly-squat about checking whether the government wasting all that tax money. I hope they haven’t squandered my taxes on the crappy COLAs, batts and the ETS.
I used to think that Kevin wore a hard hat in case something fell on him at a building site but it’s just dawned on me that its because people are throwing stuff at him.
I’m so disappointed. I almost think the best thing Kevin could do for working families is bugger off. I’m sorry, I know I get carried away and I’ll probably love Kevin again next week because sure as hell I’ll never vote for that Tony Abbott.
And then if there wasn’t enough bad news this week Malcolm’s changed his mind about retiring. I must say however that I enjoyed his time as leader of the Coalition because Kevin hit record poll numbers as preferred prime minister.
But just imagine what it would be like if Tony became prime minister. They could shut the parliament in Canberra because his government would operate like the Tour de France.
If Julia’s got a Field Marshal’s baton in her knapsack now might be the time to dust it off and start conducting a few overtures to her Labor Party colleagues.
We didn’t have World Affairs Think Tank session this week because Mildred, who was supposed to organise it, went off for a dirty weekend with a St George supporter. That’s the only sort of weekend you can expect from that mob.
Sorry to hear about your oil problem. Our Mavis’ Bert knows a guy who works at BP but he didn’t think he could help.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo
President
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