Opposition Leader Tony Abbott is a devout Catholic and the fear is that he will run Australia like the Catholic Church if he is voted PM

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Guy the Friday Mash Superfly managed to land on a wall at the location of a recent meeting between prominent people smugglers in Indonesia. He has just sent in this exclusive report.
‘It’s an absolute outrage’ said Kris ‘Tony Abbott’s new policy could put us out of business’
‘I know’ said Gus ‘what’s more it’s inhumane. He’s proposing to send our boats back here when most of them are scarcely seaworthy enough to make it to Christmas Island let alone make a return trip’
‘The Australian Government is a joke’ said Andi ‘We can’t afford to send the asylum seekers in decent boats because they conviscate them all. If they allowed us to do return trips we could afford to use boats with passenger lounges and put on a catering service’
‘It’s difficult to understand their mindset’ said Gus ‘they have this population expansion policy so they need immigrants but we get dumped on for making it happen’
‘Well’ said Kris ‘I hope they understand they’re in danger of losing their status as the world’s number one asylum seeker destination. It’s almost as difficult working with Rudd as it would be with Abbott’
‘We’ll have to think about sailing to a different asylum’ said Andi
‘How about New Zealand?’
‘Good heavens’ said Andi ‘I know we can be pretty ruthless bastards but we’re not that bad’
‘If only the Australian Government would get out of the way said Kris ‘we’ve got enough punters in the supply line to repopulate Darwin’
‘It’s ironic’ said Gus ‘that the Aussies are going on about the wonderful cultural diversity asylum seekers bring to the joint yet they’re sending the Federal Police over here to hunt us down like we’re criminals’
‘I can’t believe it’ said Andi ‘you would think we’d be in line for a United Nations humanitarian award for all the great work we do helping persecuted people find a sanctuary. I must say there are days when I feel quite humanitarian’
‘And the Aussies criticise us for charging the asylum seekers too much’ said Gus ‘ Do they think we are running a bloody benevolent society?’
‘Is there any chance Abbott will get elected?’ asked Kris
‘There’s a chance’ said Andi ‘so we’ve got to get some contingency plans together because we might go back to the inhumane days of that ghastly John Howard. How about if we start a selection process and only accept genuine refugees?’
‘’That wouldn’t impress Abbott’ said Kris ‘he doesn’t believe there is such a thing as genuine refugees. I’m thinking of using a submarine which only surfaces when it gets to Christmas Island’
‘The problem is’ said Gus ‘that the bastard Aussies would conviscate it just like any planes we sent over. All we would be doing is restocking their navy and air force for nothing’
‘Let’s buy the Tampa’ said Kris
‘Don’t be stupid’ said Gus ‘that would be a sure way to get Abbott elected’
‘I’ve got it’ said Andi ‘let’s offer to pay the Aussie Government a super profits tax’
‘Don’t be ridiculous’ said Gus ‘not even the mining companies can afford to pay that’
There’s a hint of something sinister in the air in Canberra. Politicians have been doing even weirder things than usual.
First the ghostly Godwin Grech spooked Malcolm, then Kevin contracted compulsive backflip disorder, Tony has let Kerry O’Brien make an honest dishonest man of him and now Wayne is trying to convert the mining industry into an extension of the Tax Department.
Friday Mash’s confidential investigative sources in Canberra believe they’re on to something. They are possibly uncovering evidence that senior female federal ministers have formed a witches’ coven and are hatching sinister plots. Could it be that Julia Gillard, Nicola Roxon and Penny Wong have decided to stir the pot and weave their malicious magic?

Penny obviously blames Tony for her post fatal depression over the ETS. Nicola must be sick and tired of trailing Kevin round hospitals like a mid-wife in case he gave birth to something or had to abort another promise. All three are Tonyphobic because he’s against abortions and they believe Kevin should be able to have one whenever he wants.
But above all Kevin’s sent them stir crazy because they all thought he was full of promise and he’s turned out to be merely full of himself. Wayne’s now taking credit for everything and has to be stopped before Visa and American Express cancel his cards.
Rumour hath it that wicked spells abound.
Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Government sources are still not worried. They have been saying for months that Kevin needs a spell. But if he’s gone off the boil the cauldron certainly hasn’t.
When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning or in rain
These wild chants echoing around Canberra are starting to get people worried. It has been confirmed that there have been no current productions of Macbeth in the city. Someone suggested they might be coming from a group concerned about climate change.
Round about the cauldron go
In the poisoned entrails throw
There is no clear indication of the nature of these poisoned entrails but a watch is being kept at hospitals to check whether John Howard has his appendix or his gall bladder removed.
Eye of newt and toe of frog
Wool of bat and tongue of dog
Throwing in batts wool is really going to add insulation fuel to the fire.
Canberra is rife with rumours. Is Julie Bishop under a spell or does she always look like that? Will Bronwyn emerge in the terrifying image of Lady Macbeth and act as though she’s married to Kevin?
Are Julia, Nicola and Penny even now shrieking the hideous chants and casting the diabolical spells which will render Kevin ready for a tap on the shoulder from Julia’s broomstick?
Fair is foul and foul is fair
Hover through the fog and filthy air
Lead on MacDuff. Someone’s got to find a way through all those carbon emissions.
For some time Friday Mash has perceived that politicians have a serious communication problem. Political rhetoric is becoming increasingly detached from reality.
Some argue it is unreasonable to expect politicians to tell the truth when it could cost them votes or their job. Others are concerned that politicians could lose all credibility if they become totally disconnected from the bleedin’ obvious.
For example Julia sees the building of an education revolution while the public sees revoltingly overpriced and undersized school buildings.
NoSpin Doctors is yet another political public service from Friday Mash. We have assembled a team with world class expertise in derevolutionising spin and getting to the truth of the matter. Their first assignment is to help you understand what Kevin might have said about the ETS if he wasn’t a prime political spinner.
Here is their NoSpin version.
“Climate change was very effective in helping me win the 07 election and also in identifying me as a world-class statesman and future Secretary General of the United Nations.
I called climate change ‘The greatest moral challenge of our generation’ because that was the best slogan the spin doctors could come up with and it made me sound really committed.
There’s no doubt that Malcolm Turnbull is an all-time bombastic pompous twit but it was great to have him onside in the ETS debate.
I became convinced that the ETS was an absolute no-brainer because it raised tons of taxes, needed a whole new level of bureaucracy and reduced the Coalition to a heap of carbon-emiting ashes.
Everything was proceeding brilliantly until that prime pain in the arse Tony Abbott rolled Malcolm and the ETS went down the tubes together with my chances of being the star of the Copenhagen Conference.
I acknowledge that Penny and I exaggerated the consequences of not passing the ETS legislation through the Parliament before Copenhagen. I’m sure people understood that bushfires, droughts and raging seas would not actually engulf Australia before Christmas but I was apprehensive that if I went to Copenhagen without an ETS no-one would take any notice of me. At least I got that right.
In retrospect I have to admit that Tony was right about not rushing ahead with the ETS before Copenhagen and of course the Coalition was quite right to throw it out in the Senate.
If it had passed Australia would be lumbered with a massive tax on everything and be hopelessly uncompetitive in world markets. I only wish I’d heeded Tony’s advice sooner.
My decision to abandon the ETS and a few other difficult projects has caused my poll numbers to drop. But I do not shrink from the tough decisions needed to axe projects resulting from my stupid decisions in the first place.
Yes it’s true the ETS is a massive tax on everything and Penny and I were less than frank about its true impacts, but I think it’s a bit rich that from Beijing to London and right across Australia I am now being subjected to an outbreak of global cooling.”

This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly managed to find space on a wall in Tony Abbott’s office as he discussed Coalition strategies with Julie Bishop and Joe Hockey. Guy has just filed this exclusive report from Canberra.
‘Kevin should be in a circus’ said Tony ‘he could double as a clown and an acrobat’
‘Its not easy to do backflips’ said Julie ‘when you’re sucking a sauce bottle and doing a GST juggling act with WA’
‘And he’s a consummate coward’ said Tony ‘For our next televised appearance together I’d challenge him to a boxing match if it weren’t for the fact he’d send Julia instead. But he’d be ideal to play the part of the worm’
‘But let’s face it’ said Joe ‘he’s got a health policy’
‘I wonder who he’ll get to clean up that mess’ mused Tony ‘I see he’s brought Wayne Swan out of hibernation to take the blame for the budget and the Super Profits Tax’
‘We’ve got to develop a Kevin slogan’ said Julie ‘which clearly identifies the mess he’s making of things. How about Kevin the Coward?’
‘That’s good’ said Joe ‘ I suggest Kevin the Craven Coward’
‘I know’ said Julie ‘Kevin is a Spineless Coward’
‘Got it’ said Joe ‘Lets call him old jellyback’
‘No’ said Tony ‘that’s what Peter Walsh called Bob Hawke and he was Richard the Lionheart compared with Kevin. I’ve got a brilliant idea on policy development by the way. Kevin’s policies are such a horse’s arse that all I have to do is promise the exact opposite. For example, uncovered inside forgetting areas, unfair work choice, no batts in the belfry and action against global cooling by lighting bushfires in Antarctica and watching them over a frozen dinner with Christine Nixon’
‘I’ve got it’ said Julie ‘Kevin’s a punk without spunk’
‘He’s like a bowler without balls’ said Joe
‘We need a decent taxation policy’ said Julie
‘Good idea’ said Tony ‘I’ll ring Ken Henry. He may have a few ideas now he’s got that Review out of the way. How about the knackerless nerd?’
‘No I like the word Coward’ said Julie ‘look what it did for John Howard’
‘I’ve got a great idea for funding my new health policy’ said Tony ‘I’ll insure the health of the country with Medibank and then after Kevin’s left it in bad shape I’ll get a huge payout for all the treatment it needs’
‘Brilliant’ said Joe ‘I’ve got it. He’s two balls short of an over’
‘Love it’ said Tony ‘get the spin doctors on to it straight away. Now who’s coming with me to run a marathon?’
‘You go Julie’ said Joe ‘I’ve got to run a finance meeting. Hey how about ‘he’s just like Brett Lee, he’s been no-balled’
‘No’ said Tony ‘I still like the ‘over’ one. Is there any thing else we can do to stuff Kevin?’
‘Well you could have an affair with Julia Gillard’ said Joe ‘but for heavens sake don’t claim the motel room on your parliamentary expenses’

White House,
Washington DC.,
7th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
You know how much I love Kevin but I can’t help feeling a bit shitty with him this week.
If there’s one thing Neville and I hate more than the Eels being beaten by Manly its doing tax returns. They’re such a damned nuisance and if you make a mistake the Tax Office treats you like a Manly supporter at Parramatta Stadium.
So when Kevin and Wayne got some Hooray Henry to do a review of the tax system ‘Hoo-bloody-ray’ I thought. He’s bound to find that we’re spending far too much time on being government tax agents and they’re nicking far too much tax off us.
Would you believe Hooray Henry made one hundred and thirty-eight recommendations to change the tax system and Kevin’s activated two.
I’m outraged. Not a single word of apology from anyone about taking up too much of our time filling in GSTs and BASs and taking too much tax off us, nor a word of thanks for all the thousands Neville and I have contributed over the years.
And I’ll tell you what really gets my goat. There was diddly-squat about checking whether the government wasting all that tax money. I hope they haven’t squandered my taxes on the crappy COLAs, batts and the ETS.
I used to think that Kevin wore a hard hat in case something fell on him at a building site but it’s just dawned on me that its because people are throwing stuff at him.
I’m so disappointed. I almost think the best thing Kevin could do for working families is bugger off. I’m sorry, I know I get carried away and I’ll probably love Kevin again next week because sure as hell I’ll never vote for that Tony Abbott.
And then if there wasn’t enough bad news this week Malcolm’s changed his mind about retiring. I must say however that I enjoyed his time as leader of the Coalition because Kevin hit record poll numbers as preferred prime minister.
But just imagine what it would be like if Tony became prime minister. They could shut the parliament in Canberra because his government would operate like the Tour de France.
If Julia’s got a Field Marshal’s baton in her knapsack now might be the time to dust it off and start conducting a few overtures to her Labor Party colleagues.
We didn’t have World Affairs Think Tank session this week because Mildred, who was supposed to organise it, went off for a dirty weekend with a St George supporter. That’s the only sort of weekend you can expect from that mob.
Sorry to hear about your oil problem. Our Mavis’ Bert knows a guy who works at BP but he didn’t think he could help.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo
President