US Report by P.E.Doff

Our distinguished US political correspondent P.E.Doff is renowned throughout the corridors of power for his capacity to absorb copious amounts of alcohol and bullshit at the same time.

In this landmark Weekly Mash he gives a unique perspective on the health and well being of the US nation and discusses the prospects of it coming to its senses.

Last week I was having a few beers with a colleague at that academy of alcoholic analysis, P.J.Clarke’s in New York, when he said ‘You know, I believe the US has lost interest in being a superpower’. Bingo. It hit me like a triple neat gin on the rocks. He was spot-on.

China has just knocked off Japan to become the number two superpower, is gearing up to knock us off as number one and all we’re concerned about is whether Monica was wearing a blue dress with a stain on it at Chelsea’s wedding.

After eight years of George W. Bush any American who didn’t want change was either living abroad or a member of the Cheney family. But there’s change and change. Nobody reckoned on changing our status as the number one world superpower.

The country that has dominated the world through KFC, Paris Hilton, Sex and the City, Google, Mickey Mouse, the Bush doctrine, Rambo, Madonna, Jumbos, Big Macs and nuclear missiles is simply abdicating its responsibilities to Hollywood and the fast food industry.

Obama doesn’t seem to get it. I voted for the guy like any other American with the capacity to think beyond coke, sex and binge drinking although I’m still having difficulty thinking beyond binge drinking.

The country’s almost bankrupt and that’s another change Americans have a really hard time believing in. But what does Obama do? Spends an extra trillion on healthcare, kicks Wall St right up the ass and opens a huge tab with China.

The best spin I can put on his economic strategies is they are designed to cause reduced drug use through economic hardship.

I hope Obama realises that when we’re in hock to China for millions sending Hillary over to scare the shit out of them isn’t going to work. If we continue down this path we’ll need the Dalai Lama to take up our cause and a strategy to prevent the New York Yankees becoming the New York Yangtzes.

The reason Obama doesn’t seem to give a Donald Duck about all the illegal immigrants pouring into Arizona is that he’ll soon be forced to sell the place to the Mexican drug barons.

What’s more he seems totally unperturbed about a mosque just down the street from ground zero. Hopefully this is not because he’s contemplating the sale of the Capitol Building for the same purpose.

It’s fascinating to speculate whether the US will become a muslim, African-American or Hispanic dominated society and whether it will be run by Mexican drug barons or the current inmates of Gitmo.

Doing superpower things like plugging a leak in the Gulf of Mexico, terrorising the Taliban, putting Osama bin Laden on trial in a Hollywood movie or preventing Lindsay Lohan getting stoned again seems totally beyond us.

P.E.Doff is currently writing a new book entitled ‘Drinking My Way Through the Obama Presidency’