It is fascinating to speculate what sort of environment we would inhabit if the Greens Party was in government.

Trees would get equal rights, saw-milling companies would be prosecuted for woodicide and conservation orders would protest endangered areas like Tiger Woods.

Eco-tourism would flourish as would eco-nomics and eco-emissions. There would be an open door policy for terrorists but eco-terrorists would be closely logged.

People given to continuous uncontrollable wind passing with the sun shining out of their backsides would be considered national treasures as sources of renewable windpower and solar power and hooked up to the national grid.

The Greens are very keen to eliminate the greenhouse effect in order to force everybody to eat green tomatoes.

The joint would run on solar power, windpower, wavepower and flower power and any other power which can be made current.

Power stations would be converted into coal cleaning centres which are carbon copies of carwashes.

Under a Greens government the whole financial system would become much simpler. Businesses would all become non-profit because money would grow on trees.

People would be encouraged to meet Kyoto Protocol standards for energy conservation by staying in bed all day by themselves.

For some time there has been a Greens policy in Tasmania to persuade people to live in trees. Given the fact that the Greens there could now get cabinet positions it seems likely that all hope will be abandoned and the scheme will get off the ground.

A Greens government would bring renewed hope to whales and asylum seekers. Indeed it is likely that Sydney Harbour would be a processing centre for asylum seeking whales that are fleeing Japanese persecution and sushi menus.

A Green government would be rigorous in measures to reduce automotive pollution. Experts believe they would mandate the introduction of two types of pollution-free cars. One would run on pedal power and the other would be powered by high-octane urine. In other words it would be a piss and pedal non-pollution policy.

A special adaptor which connects the driver to the fuel tank would enable regular fuel refilling while the car is in motion. The urine fuel would only work however with a minimum alcohol content of .15. In the event of a car breakdown roadside assistance would include a full bar service.

The police would be instructed to carry out random carbon footprint checks. Anyone leaving carbon footprints which are too large will be ordered to wear smaller shoes or get their toes cut off. People leaving no carbon footprints whatsoever will be deemed part of a nuclear family and given radiation checks.

Young people volunteering for community service will be sent to glaciers round the South Pole with ice-making machines.

Australia faces a difficult choice in its strategy to tackle global warming. It can either become green with environmentalism or a conspicuously consuming obscenely opulent carbon-captivated society which makes the rest of the world green with envy.