Posts Tagged ‘Wayne Swan’
Methinks they doth protest too much
Kevin and Wayne are constantly crapping on about how they saved us from the global financial crisis. Much more of it and people will start getting nostalgic for the GFC.
She’s Not Wong
Penny was right. All that carbon in the Gulf of Mexico is causing sea levels to rise.
Kevin Alert
The banks have a dwindling finite resource owned by all Australians, money, and they continue to mine it. Surely that will qualify them for a super profits tax.
Going Out With a Bang
The next mining boom will be the super profits tax blowing up in Kevin’s face.
A Pointless Exercise
Political strategists believe the Labor Party have as much chance of winning the Penrith by-election as Melbourne Storm have of winning the 2010 premiership.
Nipping them in the Bud
Kevin is trying to insulate the whales against Japanese harpoons. Perhaps he should cover them with all the pink batts that are surplus to requirements.
The Worst of British
The Gulf of Mexico faux pas has probably cruelled BP’s chances of ever drilling near the Barrier Reef.
Driving Without Due Care and Attention
The federal government’s advertising campaign claims that the super profits tax will ‘drive growth and investment in the mining industry’. Of course it will, overseas.
Tags: BP oil leak, GFC, global financial crisis, government advertising, Gulf of Mexico, home insulation scheme, Japanese whaling, Kevin Rudd, mining tax, oil spill, Penny Wong, pink batts, super profits tax, Wayne Swan
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 2 Comments »
The public seem terribly confused about what Malcolm Turnbull stands for. It’s very difficult to decide whether he’s to left of the Liberal Party or to the left of Malcolm Fraser.
Friday Mash’s NoSpin Doctors have undertaken the formidable task of analysing Malcolm’s remarks over many years and identifying what he would have said had he been free to tell the unvarnished and unspun truth. Here is the result of their painstaking work.
“I agree with many Labor policies but I could never join the party. Fancy having to work with people like Peter Garrett, Wayne Swan and those union buffoons. It would even be much worse than working with Tony Abbott and Nick Minchin.
A few years ago I realised I could become a great prime minister and deemed it would be selfish of me to deny this gift to the nation and instead become instead the world’s richest man.
I joined the Liberal Party because they have at least a basic understanding of what finance is all about and might have some idea of the scope of my genius.
After some consideration I decided not to challenge John Howard for the top job immediately upon my arrival in parliament because I believed it might seem a trifle presumptuous even for me.
Then in one of the most momentous political blunders of all time after the 07 elections the Liberal Party selected Brendan as leader rather than me. Eventually they corrected this obvious ballsup but the damage was done.
One day the truth will emerge about Godwin Grech. He was acting as an undercover stooge for either Kevin or Tony, I can’t decide which yet. Wouldn’t it be ironic if both those two no-hopers became prime minister and a man like me who was born to the job missed out?
The fact that I sank so low in the opinion polls is proof positive that they are fundamentally flawed. Who in their right mind would prefer Kevin Rudd as prime minister to me?
My detractors say I am not a politician. I can’t think of a greater compliment.
Anyone with half a brain knows that the ETS is the most effective way to tackle global warming, but not that dope Tony Abbott. So he put me in the invidious position of being on the same side as Kevin and Penny and it’s even difficult for a Labor politician to live with that ignominy.
Then in the worst decision in their entire history the Liberal Party kicked me out and installed tosspot Tony. I content myself with the thought that throughout history great men have had to endure setbacks as a prelude to unleashing their greatness.
My announcement that I would not be recontesting the seat of Wentworth brought the avalanche of protests which I had anticipated thereby re-establishing my status as the true leader of the Liberal Party and the Coalition. What else could I do but reconsider my decision not to stand when that had always been my intention.
Frankly Tony and Joe Hockey aren’t that bad and could probably run a small to medium company pretty well, but the truth is that I am the only politician who can lead Australia back to financial health and world leadership and everybody knows it.
Cometh the hour, cometh the man and it will obviously be me rather than Julia Gillard”
Tags: Brendan Nelson, Coalition, ETS, Godwin Grech, Joe Hockey, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Labor policies, Liberal Party, Malcolm Fraser, Malcolm Turnbull, Nick Minchin, NoSpin Doctors, Penny Wong, Peter Garrett, Wayne Swan
Posted in NoSpin Doctors | 1 Comment »
Canberra Report by Dick Head
Elections Can Be Harmful to Your Health
There are already signs of mental stress right across the Australian community as the realisation takes hold that no matter how you vote at the upcoming federal election it will result in either Kevin Rudd or Tony Abbott becoming prime minister.
And as if that awful reality is not enough it will be preceded by an excruciatingly mind-numbing election campaign lasting six weeks.
Mental health experts are extremely concerned about the potential of this sudden barrage of political bullshit and badinage to cause people to go absolutely barking.
In order to lessen the impact they recommend a pre-conditioning treatment which consists of listening to recordings of Kevin and Barnaby Joyce trying to explain the super profits tax. Anyone surviving just one week of this treatment is guaranteed immunity from election insanity.
Further they recommend that the public should look on the bright side and take heart from the fact this election holds no prospect of Malcolm Turnbull, Wayne Swan, Bob Brown, Julie Bishop, Penny Wong or Peter Garrett becoming prime minister.
Julia’s prospects depend on the relative job performance of Kevin as prime minister and Barry Hall as full forward for the Western Bulldogs. As Barry is clearly outperforming Kevin at the moment she seems much more likely to get the PM gig than spearhead the Dogs.
The electorate should be mindful of the dangers of using election promises as the basis for their vote. They have as much validity as a Pom opener promising to make a century before he goes out to bat in an Ashes Test.
Kevin’s track record of delivering on election promises is conservatively appalling. He may be too embarrassed to make any at the next election. Nevertheless voters should be aware of his propensity for promises like Christmas Island land rights for asylum seekers and green jobs for miners made redundant by the super profits tax.
A promise by Tony to get rid of Kevin however could be his most powerful electoral asset.
The likelihood that he will promise to use pedal power on a new budget cycle when he’s in the saddle could cause voters merely to view him as a saddle-sore pain in the arse.
Undoubtedly one of the key objectives of the next election will be to prevent a group of strange green senators from Tasmania causing legislative pollution in the federal parliament.
It’s a scandal that there is no provision in Kevin’s hospitals plan for special centres to treat mental illness caused by election campaigns. Reading this column is still the only accredited treatment.
Have you seen a Kristina?
Political commentators believe that the only chance the NSW Labor Government has of winning the Penrith by-election is a daily striptease by Kristina in the town centre.
So far voters are shattered that Kristina is going nowhere near the place and they’re getting a daily dose of Barry O’Farrell instead, thankfully with his clothes on.
In a wonderful humanitarian gesture the Liberal Party is preparing to offer free psychiatric treatment to anyone intending to vote Labor.
Dick Head is almost fully recovered from the last federal election.
Tags: asylum seekers, Barnaby Joyce, Barry Hall, Barry O’Farrell, Bob Brown, Christmas Island, Dick Head, election promises, hospitals, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, Liberal Party, Malcolm Turnbull, mental health, mining tax, NSW Labor Government, Penny Wong, Peter Garrett, super profits tax, Tasmania, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan, Western Bulldogs
Posted in Canberra correspondent - Dick Head, Election Sanity | No Comments »
The End of the Affair
Perhaps it’s only the doctrine of the separation of powers which deters the Catholic Church and the NSW State Government from getting together in an almighty sex scandal.
Get Smart
Julie Bishop has been criticised for endangering all the ASIO agents carrying fake Israeli passports.
Shopper’s Choice
Peter’s of Kensington is in the retail business while Ken’s of Kensington is in the male order business.
Trouble in Spades
Unfortunately Kevin and Wayne’s plans for a super profits tax from the mining industry weren’t shovel ready.
A Wee Problem
The school toilet blocks developed by Julia’s BER programme are so small they can only accommodate a number one and a number one and a half.
Staying out of Traffic
The major diversion in David Campbell’s life was obviously not on the F3.
Not so Fast
David Borger the new NSW Roads Minister has a long list of speeding offences. The latest is his announcement that there will be no new roads in Sydney for twenty years. Well that’s one way to stop him speeding.
The Bad Oil
BP has found a new way to distribute its oil round Louisiana and Florida. It keeps coming in waves.
Tags: ASIO, BER, BP, BP oil leak, Catholic Church, David Borger, David Campbell, F3, fake Israeli passports, Florida, Julia Gillard, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Louisiana, no new roads in Sydney, NSW Roads Minister, NSW State Government, Peter’s of Kensington, political sex scandal, sex scandal, super profits tax, Wayne Swan
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
28th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I’m terribly worried abut Wayne. He’s come up with this budget which all depends on gouging squillions out of the mining industry and I think he’s totally stuffed it.
This Hooray Henry bloke did a review of the Aussie Tax System and comes up with a hundred and thirty odd recommendations to reduce the number of taxes and one to introduce a new one. And so what do you think Wayne does? You’ve guessed it. He ignores the one hundred and thirty odd recommendations but introduces the new tax.
Even Tony Abbott could see that was asking for trouble let alone Blind Freddie.
Wayne is promising to do all sorts of wonderful things on corporate tax and super and save us from debt with money he hasn’t got and doesn’t look like getting. It’s like me promising to buy Neville a brewery from my winnings when the Eels win the premiership in September.
I can’t believe dear Kevin agreed to all this. He must have been smoking something.
Believe me I’m not a fan of the mining companies, but if Wayne carries on with this super profits thing they’ll soon be exporting themselves rather than iron ore.
Then a crack will appear in Wayne’s bottom line and he’ll start crapping over all of us.
I think Kevin and Wayne are actually trying to kibosh Western Australia because they’ve got a state Liberal Government who won’t cough a third of their GST to Kevin for hospitals. They’re worried that if they don’t slow down the mining industry over there the WA economy will soon be bigger than the rest of Australia.
The threat of the new mining tax has sent the Aussie dollar plunging. Wayne has single-handedly already increased the cost of our Fiji holiday by ten percent. I feel like sending him the bill.
Then he has the absolute gall to say that his super profits tax will be good for the mining industry because it will slow things down. I mean doesn’t the clown understand it will also slow his super tax receipts down? I think Wayne’s losing it.
I’ve written a letter to Kevin suggesting that Wayne should have some time off to export himself to China.
We discussed the super profits tax at the Obama Fan Club this week. Marge who is an even bigger Kevin supporter than I am thinks that Wayne’s doing all this because he goes on holiday to Noosa and the falling dollar doesn’t affect him.
Mavis’ cousin works down a mine and says if Kevin is right and our minerals belong to all Australians why won’t they let him take home his share every night?
Albert thinks Wayne is a financial genius and compared with Albert he probably is.
I feel so strongly about it that I’ve also written to Kevin warning him that a super profits tax will put an end to super profits. Although I must say that if Twiggy Forrest’s bank balance becomes as slim as that other Twiggy it won’t fuss me too much.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, China, falling Australian dollar, Gaelene Woo, GST, Henry Tax Review, hospitals, Kevin Rudd, Liberal Government, mining tax, Obama Fan Club, super profits tax, Tony Abbott, Twiggy Forrest, Wayne Swan
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
There’s a hint of something sinister in the air in Canberra. Politicians have been doing even weirder things than usual.
First the ghostly Godwin Grech spooked Malcolm, then Kevin contracted compulsive backflip disorder, Tony has let Kerry O’Brien make an honest dishonest man of him and now Wayne is trying to convert the mining industry into an extension of the Tax Department.
Friday Mash’s confidential investigative sources in Canberra believe they’re on to something. They are possibly uncovering evidence that senior female federal ministers have formed a witches’ coven and are hatching sinister plots. Could it be that Julia Gillard, Nicola Roxon and Penny Wong have decided to stir the pot and weave their malicious magic?
Penny obviously blames Tony for her post fatal depression over the ETS. Nicola must be sick and tired of trailing Kevin round hospitals like a mid-wife in case he gave birth to something or had to abort another promise. All three are Tonyphobic because he’s against abortions and they believe Kevin should be able to have one whenever he wants.
But above all Kevin’s sent them stir crazy because they all thought he was full of promise and he’s turned out to be merely full of himself. Wayne’s now taking credit for everything and has to be stopped before Visa and American Express cancel his cards.
Rumour hath it that wicked spells abound.
Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Government sources are still not worried. They have been saying for months that Kevin needs a spell. But if he’s gone off the boil the cauldron certainly hasn’t.
When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning or in rain
These wild chants echoing around Canberra are starting to get people worried. It has been confirmed that there have been no current productions of Macbeth in the city. Someone suggested they might be coming from a group concerned about climate change.
Round about the cauldron go
In the poisoned entrails throw
There is no clear indication of the nature of these poisoned entrails but a watch is being kept at hospitals to check whether John Howard has his appendix or his gall bladder removed.
Eye of newt and toe of frog
Wool of bat and tongue of dog
Throwing in batts wool is really going to add insulation fuel to the fire.
Canberra is rife with rumours. Is Julie Bishop under a spell or does she always look like that? Will Bronwyn emerge in the terrifying image of Lady Macbeth and act as though she’s married to Kevin?
Are Julia, Nicola and Penny even now shrieking the hideous chants and casting the diabolical spells which will render Kevin ready for a tap on the shoulder from Julia’s broomstick?
Fair is foul and foul is fair
Hover through the fog and filthy air
Lead on MacDuff. Someone’s got to find a way through all those carbon emissions.
Tags: American Express, ATO, Bronwyn Bishop, Carbon Emissions, Climate Change, ETS, Godwin Grech, home insulation scheme, hospitals, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Julie Bishop, Kerry O’Brien, Kevin Rudd, Lady Macbeth, MacDuff, Malcolm Turnbull, mining tax, Nicola Roxon, Penny Wong, Roger Pugh, super profits tax, Tony Abbott, Visa, Wayne Swan
Posted in Weekly Mash | 2 Comments »
In the Nick of Time
For major political parties seeking to form a government these days it seems to be either a case of Nick Clegg, Nick McKim or Nick Off.
Coming Full Circle
Jessica Watson spent seven months ending up back where she started. Unfortunately it seems to be taking Kevin a lot longer.
Economic Minefield
Financial commentators believe that Wayne’s budget will have roughly the same effect on the mining industry as the global financial crisis.
Ain’t That The Truth
If Tony Abbott says he’s going to re-introduce WorkChoices the Labor Party and the unions will believe him. If he says he’s not going to re-introduce WorkChoices they won’t believe him. So it really doesn’t matter whether he tells the truth or not.
Mining Your Own Business
Iron ore miners are very concerned that Kevin has gone into the steal business.
Barry Hall for Prime Minister
Julia Gillard claims she’s got more chance of becoming a full forward at the Western Bulldogs than prime minister. That’s what they used to say about Kevin and he was hopeless at sport as well.
Shouldn’t be Sniffed at
Personal hygiene experts have warned it will take more than a deodorant to solve Kevin’s pits problem.
The Gold Crush
If the mining industry is the goose that lays the golden egg will Wayne be the Swan that cracks it?
Own Goal
The game of Hockey was a loss for the Opposition because they hadn’t budgeted for it.
Tags: Barry Hall, global financial crisis, Jessica Watson, Joe Hockey, Kevin Rudd, Nick Clegg, Nick McKim, super profits tax, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan, Western Bulldogs, WorkChoices
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
14th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I don’t know whether you’ve met Wayne Swan but I’ve always thought he was not a bad sort of bloke and I loved the way he used to stick it up John Howard and Peter Costello.
He seemed to me like a poor man’s Kevin, although the way Kevin’s travelling at the moment he’ll soon become a poor man’s Wayne.
There’s always been something about Wayne that I’ve never quite sussed. It’s not so much he’s a Swan with duck’s disease because I’ve got nothing against small men but I’ve always found him just a bit too bumptious and a little too much of the try-hard. Know what I mean?
But his budget this week changed all that. He’s been promoted to my A list.
It’s obvious to people like me who are students of politics that this was the first Australian budget developed in cooperation with the Chinese. Wayne cleverly got them to underwrite his budget by persuading them to buy mountains of iron ore without a discount.
And the Chinese don’t mind about Wayne pocketing most of the miner’s profits because they’re pissed at having to pay them a packet for iron ore when all they do is dig it out of the ground.
I daresay as a reciprocal gesture Wayne is helping the Chinese government sort out their budget and Kevin’s translating all his stuff. What a team.
Wayne did rabbit on a bit about how Australia’s economic resurgence is all thanks to him and Kevin. You’d think he’d give a bit of the credit to China.
This new arrangement means if the budget turns out to be a monumental disaster Wayne can blame China as well as John Howard.
Source: SMH
Actually Wayne does have a fallback position even if the bucks from China dry up. He could increase the price of smokes by ten dollars and put a picture of himself on each packet with the slogan ‘Not smoking can cause the Treasurer a heart attack’.
One thing I could kiss Wayne for is reducing those interminable hours I have to spend on tax returns. I have to do all ours since Neville was fined for making a false declaration. He claimed his Eels season ticket was a charitable contribution to the disabled.
Wayne promised the budget will be in surplus in three years but I hope the Chinese understand what he’s letting them in for.
A word of advice in case you’re intending to ask for a loan when you come here next month. I don’t think Wayne will have any spare until he starts excavating it from the mining companies. I’d advise going direct to China like you usually do.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Chinese Government, cigarette tax, Eels, Federal Budget, Gaelene Woo, iron ore, John Howard, Obama Fan Club, Peter Costello, President of US, President of USA, US President, Wayne Swan
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Storm Warning
Kevin would be the ideal choice as coach of the Melbourne Storm. He’s shown an outstanding ability to achieve pointless results.
Copping a Packet
Proposed new slogans to go on cigarette packets are ‘Kevin can be harmful to your health’ and ‘Smoking can cause an ETS’.
Penny Spent
There are indications from Canberra that Penny Wong has been capped and traded.
Oil and Water Do Mix
Experts have been warning for some time that oil reserves are running out but thanks to a BP initiative just off Louisiana we shall soon all be swimming in it.
To Pits
Kevin’s new taxation policy has been shown to have miner flaws but government sources deny he’s just digging another big hole for himself.
Giving Him a Plug
Obama was called in to see whether he could plug the BP oil leak but unfortunately he wasn’t wide enough.
Melting Moments
Penny Wong says she isn’t giving up on global warming. Sources predict she’ll soon be off to Antarctica to try and set some glaciers on fire.
Waxing Wayne
It’s so considerate of Kevin to bring Wayne out of summer hibernation just in time to take all the blame for the budget and the super profits tax.
Tags: Antarctica, Barack Obama, BP oil leak, cigarette packaging, ETS, global warming, health warnings, Henry Tax Review, Kevin Rudd, Melbourne Storm, Penny Wong, Roger Pugh, super profits tax, tax reform, Wayne Swan
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 1 Comment »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
7th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
You know how much I love Kevin but I can’t help feeling a bit shitty with him this week.
If there’s one thing Neville and I hate more than the Eels being beaten by Manly its doing tax returns. They’re such a damned nuisance and if you make a mistake the Tax Office treats you like a Manly supporter at Parramatta Stadium.
So when Kevin and Wayne got some Hooray Henry to do a review of the tax system ‘Hoo-bloody-ray’ I thought. He’s bound to find that we’re spending far too much time on being government tax agents and they’re nicking far too much tax off us.
Would you believe Hooray Henry made one hundred and thirty-eight recommendations to change the tax system and Kevin’s activated two.
I’m outraged. Not a single word of apology from anyone about taking up too much of our time filling in GSTs and BASs and taking too much tax off us, nor a word of thanks for all the thousands Neville and I have contributed over the years.
And I’ll tell you what really gets my goat. There was diddly-squat about checking whether the government wasting all that tax money. I hope they haven’t squandered my taxes on the crappy COLAs, batts and the ETS.
I used to think that Kevin wore a hard hat in case something fell on him at a building site but it’s just dawned on me that its because people are throwing stuff at him.
I’m so disappointed. I almost think the best thing Kevin could do for working families is bugger off. I’m sorry, I know I get carried away and I’ll probably love Kevin again next week because sure as hell I’ll never vote for that Tony Abbott.
And then if there wasn’t enough bad news this week Malcolm’s changed his mind about retiring. I must say however that I enjoyed his time as leader of the Coalition because Kevin hit record poll numbers as preferred prime minister.
But just imagine what it would be like if Tony became prime minister. They could shut the parliament in Canberra because his government would operate like the Tour de France.
If Julia’s got a Field Marshal’s baton in her knapsack now might be the time to dust it off and start conducting a few overtures to her Labor Party colleagues.
We didn’t have World Affairs Think Tank session this week because Mildred, who was supposed to organise it, went off for a dirty weekend with a St George supporter. That’s the only sort of weekend you can expect from that mob.
Sorry to hear about your oil problem. Our Mavis’ Bert knows a guy who works at BP but he didn’t think he could help.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: BAS, BP, Coalition, COLA, ETS, Gaelene Woo, GST, Henry Tax Review, Julia Gillard, Labor Party, Malcolm Turnbull, Manly, Parramatta, Roger Pugh, St George, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
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