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Off Colour - Sunday, April 18th, 2010

It is fascinating to speculate what sort of environment we would inhabit if the Greens Party was in government.

Trees would get equal rights, saw-milling companies would be prosecuted for woodicide and conservation orders would protest endangered areas like Tiger Woods.

Eco-tourism would flourish as would eco-nomics and eco-emissions. There would be an open door policy for terrorists but eco-terrorists would be closely logged.

People given to continuous uncontrollable wind passing with the sun shining out of their backsides would be considered national treasures as sources of renewable windpower and solar power and hooked up to the national grid.

The Greens are very keen to eliminate the greenhouse effect in order to force everybody to eat green tomatoes.

The joint would run on solar power, windpower, wavepower and flower power and any other power which can be made current.

Power stations would be converted into coal cleaning centres which are carbon copies of carwashes.

Under a Greens government the whole financial system would become much simpler. Businesses would all become non-profit because money would grow on trees.

People would be encouraged to meet Kyoto Protocol standards for energy conservation by staying in bed all day by themselves.

For some time there has been a Greens policy in Tasmania to persuade people to live in trees. Given the fact that the Greens there could now get cabinet positions it seems likely that all hope will be abandoned and the scheme will get off the ground.

A Greens government would bring renewed hope to whales and asylum seekers. Indeed it is likely that Sydney Harbour would be a processing centre for asylum seeking whales that are fleeing Japanese persecution and sushi menus.

A Green government would be rigorous in measures to reduce automotive pollution. Experts believe they would mandate the introduction of two types of pollution-free cars. One would run on pedal power and the other would be powered by high-octane urine. In other words it would be a piss and pedal non-pollution policy.

A special adaptor which connects the driver to the fuel tank would enable regular fuel refilling while the car is in motion. The urine fuel would only work however with a minimum alcohol content of .15. In the event of a car breakdown roadside assistance would include a full bar service.

The police would be instructed to carry out random carbon footprint checks. Anyone leaving carbon footprints which are too large will be ordered to wear smaller shoes or get their toes cut off. People leaving no carbon footprints whatsoever will be deemed part of a nuclear family and given radiation checks.

Young people volunteering for community service will be sent to glaciers round the South Pole with ice-making machines.

Australia faces a difficult choice in its strategy to tackle global warming. It can either become green with environmentalism or a conspicuously consuming obscenely opulent carbon-captivated society which makes the rest of the world green with envy.

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Unconventional - Thursday, April 8th, 2010

Story No. 26

‘As you know Barney’ said George ‘I’ve been unanimously adopted as the Republican candidate for a second term as president. I need your help with my acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention’

I had to admit that Karl Rove was a dab hand at pulling election campaigns together, but George obviously wanted me to add a touch of finesse.

‘That’s easy George’ I said ‘all you need do is promise to keep the country safe from terrorists, keep dollars in everyone’s pocket and be kind to animals’

It wasn’t something I could get too excited about. There was zero chance the Convention would reject George as their candidate and the delegates would applaud and scream ecstatically even if he told them all to go and get nicked.

‘You know Barney’ said George ‘I feel the need to reach out to every American citizen, to outline my vision of a truly great nation of which they can all feel proud’

‘Sorry George’ I said ‘that’s lead balloon stuff. We’re already a truly great nation but citizens like me can hardly be proud at the prospect of Dick Cheney as vice-president for another four years’

‘But the country is expecting great things of me’ said George

‘Look George’ I said ‘I’ve told you before that you don’t promise great things because people will only get disappointed. You’ve got to understand that politicians don’t do great things; they rather recognise great things when they see them and claim all the credit’

‘What about healthcare’ asked George hopefully ‘Karl thinks that might be an area to concentrate on’

‘Well I suppose you could say something about reforming health insurance’ I said ‘your mates in the industry are getting away with murder. You can bet John Kerry will be promising healthcare reforms he hasn’t got a hope in Harlem of delivering. How about promising to force health insurance companies to insure people who are sick?’

‘Are you kidding?’ said George ‘that would be like forcing people to buy clapped out old cars’

‘Ok’ I said ‘how about closing the border with Mexico?’

‘No way’ said George ‘that would stop all that cheap labour coming here’

‘Yes’ I said ‘but what you’re getting as well is cheap drugs and drug-pushers. The border will soon become known as Cocaine Crossing’

‘I should say something about foreign policy’ said George ‘perhaps I should get closer to Tony Blair’

‘You have to be joking’ I said ‘even the UK Labor Party is trying to distance themselves from him. Your foreign policy priority is to destroy terrorism wherever it raises its ghastly head whether its in Iraq, Afghanistan or the John Kerry for President Committee.

‘Right on Barney’ said George ‘now we’re getting somewhere. Anything else I should mention?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘just remind the convention that Kerry’s married to the Heinz baked beans heiress. That’s why he’s so full of wind’.

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PM and Combet - Thursday, March 18th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly landed on a wall in the Prime Minister’s Canberra office just in time to catch his conversation with Greg Combet on salvaging the Home Insulation Scheme. We have just received his exclusive report.

‘I’m surrounded by idiots’ said Kevin ‘what was I supposed to do, go out and insulate all those bloody homes myself?’

‘Of course not Kevin’ said Greg ‘you’re far too good at running the country’

‘I know’ said Kevin ‘but where on earth can I find people I can rely on as much as me? I’ve said the buck for all this insulation business stops at me but it doesn’t stay with me. I’ve passed it partly on to Peter Garrett and I’ve brought you in so I can pass on the rest’

‘I appreciate the opportunity’ said Greg

‘Tell me’ said Kevin ‘what’s your plan for the fifty thousand homes that could catch fire at any minute?’

‘Wind power’ said Greg ‘So they can avoid switching on the mains electricity I need a billion or so to buy fifty thousand windmills’

‘Brilliant’ said Kevin ‘then we’d only need fifty thousand urinals and then they’d have piss and wind power. I’m talking insulation not more stimulation’

‘But what about immolation?’ asked Greg

‘That’s just escalation’ said Kevin ‘and we’ve got to stop self-flagellation and blame the installation’

‘That’s difficult’ said Greg ‘the installers have all insulated themselves by claiming they were acting on instructions from you and Peter’

‘Well I’m obviously not to blame’ said Kevin ‘Peter got a bit carried away. You know what those environmentalists are like. What about the installers who claimed money from us but didn’t install anything?’

‘No problem’ said Greg ‘they didn’t cause a single fire’

‘Well who’s going to sort out the fifty thousand homes at risk?’ asked Kevin ‘don’t tell me it’s going to the pinheads who did the installation’

‘It’s a no-brainer’ said Greg ‘it’s got to be the installers we paid but didn’t do any installations because they’re the only ones we haven’t had any complaints about. If we tell them to repeat what they did the first time round there wont be any complaints whatsoever the second time’

‘Inspired thinking’ said Kevin ‘I’m just so relieved that none of this mess is my fault. By the way how much extra will it cost to sort out the mess?’

‘About a billion’ said Greg

‘What’ said Kevin ‘that’s almost as much as Tony Abbott is trying to waste on paid maternity leave. The electorate will think I’ve gone totally batts’

‘Look at it this way Kevin’ said Greg ‘there are over nine hundred thousand insulated homes for which you can take all the credit’

‘That’s right’ said Kevin ‘I could come out of this looking like the saviour of the nation. I’ve saved on the heating bills for those nine hundred thousand odd homes, I’m about to save fifty thousand homes from the threat of fire, I’ve saved Peter Garrett’s ass and I’ve saved millions of homes from shonky installers’

‘Are you going to save me?’ asked Greg

‘Of course not’ said Kevin ‘you’re just here to save me. Your job is to insulate my ass from being kicked by Newspoll, Tony or Julia.

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Hillary coming down under, Bill in bush and Prince touring - Friday, January 15th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

15th January 2010

Dear Mr President,

I can’t tell you how excited we all are. We’ve just heard that Hillary is coming to Australia next week and would you believe Prince William is coming at the same time. It’s a good job she’s not a republican.

We obviously couldn’t invite both of them to address the Obama Fan Club during the same week, so we held an emergency meeting of the management committee and chose Hillary because she’s such a wonderful woman and so close to you.

I hope you don’t mind but we’ve sent her a direct message inviting her to our meeting on the nineteenth. She gets booked up so early and I dare say your ambassador Jeff Bleach has already booked her in for a nosh or two with Kevin.

We also told her to bring Bill along too if he’s coming with her. You may recall I told you that Mildred met Bill when she was a pole dancer in Vegas. If we can find a pole I’m sure he’d recognise her.

The Japanese are furious with Julia over whales. She’s doing the PM’s job while Kevin is away writing children’s books.

When it comes to whales there’s a huge cultural difference between the Aussies and the Japs. They believe they should be harpooned and eaten while we see them as cuddly creatures who deserve a better fate than being served as sashimi.

Julia’s thrown one of her headmistress wobblers telling the Japs to stop sinking the protesters’ boats which are trying to sink their whaling ships and suggesting more controversial places to stick their harpoons.

Meanwhile the Japs have told her in no uncertain terms to keep her nose out of it and you can understand why. It’s very large and pointed and would be a very effective substitute for a harpoon.

This week the Club’s World Affairs Think-tank debated whether the Copenhagen Conference had been any use at all.

Hilda said it was inspiring that delegates could still get their knickers in a knot about global warming when they were suffering from frostbite.

Gladys who’s never said anything before made a very critical contribution. She reckoned the Conference would have been a huge success if the other forty thousand delegates had just turned up for the last day like you. It was the previous ten days that caused all the problems.

Neville thought the conference in Mexico might go better because the climate will allow the delegates to demonstrate solar power and not just their wind power.

Mildred made a very astute observation. She reckoned there were too many people there. China and the US got distracted. All you need is a conference where those two agree to a reasonable reduction in emissions and the rest of us can carry on as usual.

I summed up the meeting by blaming Tony Abbott for the mess in Copenhagen. It was his fault the rest of the world didn’t get the chance to adopt Kevin and Penny’s ETS. Though perhaps they were not so inclined to be Penny foolish as pound wise.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Work Choices In Colour - Thursday, September 10th, 2009

If you are one of the many thousands in Australia destined to lose your job courtesy of the ETS do not be alarmed. Kevin and Penny Wong have given an absolute assurance that you will be inundated with green job opportunities.

For a start there will be fulfilling careers in solar energy especially for executives with the sun shining out of their backside.

The potential in windpower is a little more complex. It will definitely help if you live in a windmill on a strict diet of baked beans and artichokes but there will be limited scope for people who simply want to fart around.

The green era will usher in an intriguing range of new technological skills. Householders who rely on recycled gas from their sewerage system for power supplies will need specialised emergency services in the event of power cuts caused by constipation.

There will be lots of green jobs building green houses but greenhouses will not be needed because we shall all be living in one.

It would be such a relief if everyone worked for Greenpeace because there would be no-one left for them to whinge about. The Australian Greens may be a future source of green jobs but so far they’ve only created a Brown one.

In the new green jobs era nothing will be black and white or even grey. Instead of blue collar and white collar jobs there will be green collar which are carbon free and black collar which are Omo free..

The government will issue green papers about green-chip companies keeping their bottom lines in the green by advertising in the Green Pages.

The potential for green jobs in the uranium industry is unclear. Uranium seems green around the world but black in Australia. Scientists are urgently undertaking research aimed at turning yellowcake green.

A massive programme of space exploration is being planned to exploit the incredible green jobs potential from making contact with little green men. The programme is called ‘close encounters of the nine-to-five kind’.

There will be unprecedented green job potential for people with the special talents needed to monitor carbon and greenhouse gas emissions. Their extraordinary nasal sensitivity will enable them to detect emissions which are smokescreens or a blatant attempt to blow smoke up someone’s backside.

Kevin is very positive about the green job opportunities arising from clean coal. This state of the art technology emits carbon downwards instead of upwards by turning power stations upside down. People travelling on underground trains will need to wear face masks and there will be severe smog in the Harbour Tunnel.

It is debatable whether the desalination industry will create green jobs. Some experts reckon they will come in a torrent but others are taking it all with a pinch of salt.

People who are still seeking opportunities in black jobs should consider emigrating to China. There is unlimited potential over there to benefit Australia by developing a huge carbon footprint and driving coal imports.

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