Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in Ramos Horta’s office in Dili when the East Timor President met with Prime Minister Xanana Gusmao to discuss Julia Gillard’s call about an asylum seeker regional processing centre. Here is his exclusive report.

‘Guess what’ said Ramos ‘I had a strange call yesterday from Julia Gillard’

‘Better watch yourself’ said Xanana ‘look what she did to poor old Kevin’

‘You’ll never guess what she suggested’ said Ramos ‘She actually wants us to set up an asylum seeker processing centre here in East Timor’

‘I know’ said Xanana ‘she’s already announced it in Australia. You didn’t give her the go-ahead did you?’

‘Of course not’ said Ramos ‘how could I, I’m only the president. She should have phoned you’

‘Well why didn’t she?’ asked Xanana

‘Probably because last time I was in Aussie’ said Ramos ‘I left her my number. She’s single so you never know your luck’

‘So what did you say to her’ asked Xanana

‘I was polite’ said Ramos ‘and said we would consider specific proposals but I didn’t tell her outright it was a braindead idea’

‘Yudhoyono would go ape if we agreed to it’ said Xanana ‘Indonesia would become a transit camp for asylum seekers flocking to get here. And we’d have people smuggler boats arriving every hour on the hour’

‘Let’s just think for a minute’ said Ramos ‘are there any benefits for East Timor if we agree to Julia’s plan?’

‘Can’t think of any’ said Xanana ‘and if we agree to talks there’s a danger we’ll have to suffer that crashing bore Kevin’

‘If we accepted the idea’ said Ramos ‘we might be able to negotiate some attractive concessions for ourselves in return’

‘You mean’ said Xanana ‘Australia would agree to play a Bledisloe Cup match here’

‘No, no’ said Ramos ‘I mean that if we agree to the processing centre we could get concessions like a fair share of the Timor Sea oil revenues’

‘That’s a thought’ agreed Xanana ‘but it’s so difficult negotiating with Aussie women like Julia. I know because I’m married to one of them’

‘I’ve got an idea’ said Ramos ‘What if we said we’d accept a processing centre if it was built to Hilton Hotel specifications and handed over to us within five years to kick-start our tourism business’

‘Great idea’ said Xanana ‘but do you think Julia will agree to bankroll a Hilton Hotel with accommodation for thousands’

‘Look at it this way’ said Ramos ‘it would solve a lot of her problems. No more people smuggler boats going to Australia and the asylum seekers wouldn’t complain so much if they’re staying at a Hilton’

‘Wait a bit’ said Xanana ‘the last thing we want is to be stuck with thousands of asylum seekers’

‘Listen’ said Ramos ‘East Timor would be praised throughout the world for our exemplary treatment of asylum seekers and the Australian Government will pay us the full Hilton rates for their accommodation because its much cheaper than keeping them at Christmas Island’

‘Brilliant thinking’ said Xanana ‘but Julia must understand that we’ve got to keep them moving forward’

‘Oh’ said Ramos ‘I’m sure she’ll agree with that’