Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

“Look I’m absolutely pissed with all the people who visit me year after year in David Jones and expect unflagging goodwill and yo-ho-hoing while they crap on endlessly about not being able to believe that Christmas is coming round again. It drives me to the brink of festive four-letter words. You’d think they’d been around long enough to work out when to expect Christmas because it turns up on exactly the same day every bloody year. So this year as part of my Christmas duties I’ve decided to help by giving people a seasonal heads up. As of today there are 57 more shopping days to Christmas and Christmas Day is eight weeks this Sunday. Now if anyone is brainless enough to leave it till Christmas Eve to pester me about delivering a gift the following day they’ve got about as much chance as taking it to the local post office.”

Addressing the most compelling Whogivesashit Issue of our time

In this edition of Friday Mash, our renowned international correspondents tackle the issue of what would happen if Trump became President and where exactly would he incarcerate Hillary.