Of all the things in life which qualify as the biggest pain in the arse it’s difficult to go past a visit to the dentist.

There is simply nothing to compare with the agony and terror associated with having things inserted into and extracted from your loudspeaker by sadists in white coats who charge you an absolute fortune and then retire to become advanced interrogators for the CIA.

And there’s no avoiding it. If you’re too terrified to front for a filling or an extraction your sex appeal can suffer a terminal loss of ratings. There is minimal interest in snogging with someone with black teeth whose breath is reminiscent of a breakdown at the sewage farm.

As I was wrestling with this dilemma the other day I had a quite brilliant idea.

Wouldn’t it be a great idea if all our teeth were extracted and replaced by implants.

No more rotting teeth, no more eviscerating extractions, no more teeth sticking out of your mouth, no more dumpings by spunky birds or guys because of bad breath, no more toothache and no more spending a fortune to suffer at the hands of those merciless molar madmen in white coats.

As your lover’s lips open to seal your passion with a plonker, your ecstasy will be forever enhanced by the soaring vision of a perfect set of choppers.

Now I know what you’re going to say. Having all your teeth yanked out can be traumatic at any age and the whole idea would probably render the British Dental Association more mental than dental.

But just think how liberating it would feel to substitute a lifetime of tortuous trips to the dentist with just one or two.

And who cares if a load of dentists become redundant. The CIA will always have enough terrorists for them to work on.

No-one understands more clearly than me the critical importance of having a decent set of teeth to lie through. Moreover in my line of work it’s so terribly important that in trying to bludge a few extra votes by kissing babies I don’t asphyxiate them with toxic fumes.

I look forward to society free from the threat of being drilled, filled, half-killed and heavily billed by dentists. Terrific teeth are also critical for me because when you’ve got a mouth as big as mine there’s enough ghastly things coming out of it already.