As the economic turmoil in Greece shows no sign of abating I flew to Athens for an interview with Lucas Papademos the Greek Prime Minister. Here are my exclusive notes of our historic discussion.

‘Good morning prime minister’ I said ‘how nice of you to find time to talk with me’

‘I’m sorry we have to meet in a coffee shop’ said Lucas ‘but we couldn’t afford government offices any longer’

‘Would you like a coffee?’ I asked

‘Yes please’ he replied ‘and a couple of sandwiches if you wouldn’t mind. I haven’t been able to afford to eat for the past day or two’

‘How are you managing to make ends meet?’ I asked

‘I call in to the local soup kitchen when I can find the time’ replied Lucas

‘So what’s happening with the latest bailout?’ I asked

‘It’s all very difficult’ he replied ‘The EC, IMF and ECB won’t front with any more cash until I switch the country from austerity mode to poverty’

‘What sort of things are they demanding?’ I asked

‘Everybody’s income must be cut in half’ he replied ‘and everybody has to pay half the tax they are currently avoiding’

‘What other measures must be taken’ I asked ‘to prevent the Greek economy doing a rerun of Lehman Brothers’

‘Well first’ said Lucas ‘ it’s critical you buy me a takeaway salad roll to sustain me through lunch. Then I have to persuade what’s left of my cabinet that to secure the bailout they have to forego any fiddling of their parliamentary expenses and hand in their credit cards’

‘What if they refuse’ I asked

‘Then’ he replied ‘I shall tell the EC, the IMF and the EU that we’re exercising our democratic right to go bust, drink two bottles of ouzo and apply to the UN for support as a third world country’

‘It is possible the ouzo could replace the Euro?’ I asked
‘Oh certainly’ he replied ‘that’s one way of keeping liquidity in the economy’

‘What do you see as the longer-term future for Greece?’ I asked

‘Either a Disneyworld or a retirement home’ he replied

‘Are there any other immediate priorities I need to know about?’ I asked

‘Yes’ he said ‘could you please add a coffee and a baklava to my takeaway lunch and send me some food parcels’