Story No: 27

‘Do you know Barney’ said George ‘there are people around who think I’m not going to win this election’

‘Thank heavens’ I thought to myself ‘he’s finally got the message’

George had been living in the White House cocoon for months signing papers and chatting to other heads of state and blissfully unaware that a large body of opinion in the country perceived another four years with him as President would be like playing a whole season for Detroit Lions.

‘The Democrats are calling me all sorts of names’ he went on ‘like dumbass, dimwit and dickless’

‘I wouldn’t worry about it George’ I said ‘I’ve heard them say far worse than that. After all everyone makes mistakes like you referring to the leader of Al Qaeda as Osama Bin Garden’

‘I did it on purpose’ said George ‘because he’s a big piece of dirt’

‘And what about when you asked the Pope if he’s a Catholic?’ I said

‘Well’ said George ‘Dick Cheney asked me that question when I asked him if he was interested in Iraqi oil and I didn’t know the answer’

‘What did the Pope say?’ I asked

‘Oh he just asked me if I was a republican’ said George ‘I said yes but confessed I’d forgotten to pay my annual party membership fee and I had to say two Hail Marys’

‘Look George’ I said ‘the problem is that John Kerry claims you don’t know what you’re doing in Iraq and Afghanistan’

‘That’s not true’ said George ‘Don Rumsfeld briefed me yesterday’

‘It’s just that things seem to be drifting a bit in Afghanistan’ I said

‘I’m waiting for Pakistan to step up to the plate’ said George

‘Sorry George’ I said ‘they play cricket in Pakistan so they don’t step up to the plate they go in to bat’

‘Ok’ said George ‘and I’m waiting for Spain to go in to bat in Iraq’

‘No George’ I said ‘they do bull fighting in Spain so they grab the bull by the horns’

‘Look’ said George ‘do you mind if we stick with stepping up to the plate. All this foreign stuff confuses me. It’s like travelling with the Redskins to away matches’

‘George’ I said ‘the key to winning this election is presenting you as the terrorist terminator and John Kerry as a wimp who showboats rather than swiftboats’

‘How does Dick Cheney stack up against John Edwards?’ asked George

‘What a question’ I thought ‘it was like comparing Planet of the Apes with Sex Lies and Videotape’

‘I think he stacks up ok’ I said ‘Dick takes a bit off the top while John likes a bit on the side’

‘Look’ said George ‘I know I’m not perfect but at least I don’t crap on the White House lawn like you’

‘George’ I said ‘I only do it because you’re not allowed to and only because the lawn needs fertilising or Dick Cheney walks past’

‘All of us who make it to the top in politics have crosses to bear’ said George ‘for example Hillary’s got a Bill she can’t settle and she’s had to pay it over and over again’

‘Blimey’ I thought ‘George has suddenly become both a wit and a philosopher. He might win this election after all’