Special Report on the US Mid-term elections by US Correspondent P.E. Doff

Our renowned US correspondent P.E.Doff recently scored an exclusive one-on-one with the US Secretary of State. Here is a transcript of their compelling conversation.

‘Tell me Hillary’ said P.E. ‘what is your policy on the evolving tensions in the Middle East?’

‘Our clear policy’ said Hillary ‘is that individual countries should resolve their own internal conflicts without outside interference except in the case of involvement by China, Russia, Ahmadinejad, the Muslim Brotherhood, Gaddafi, Al Qaeda or Dick Cheney especially if our oil supplies are threatened’

‘Shouldn’t we have played a more decisive role in the Egyptian crisis?’ asked P.E.

‘Why?’ asked Hillary ‘Don’t tell me they’ve discovered oil there’

‘Have you come up with any new initiatives to solve the crisis in Libya?’ asked P.E.

‘You betcha’ said Hillary ‘I’ve just arranged for Charlie Sheen to stage his new show in Tripoli. If that doesn’t fill Gaddafi and Co. with sense of utter despair and defeatism nothing will’

‘How do you view the prospect of Palestine becoming a separate state?’ asked P.E.

‘Well of course’ said Hillary ‘we wholeheartedly support the Palestinians’ right to self-determination provided the Israelis agree and the US controls the oil business there if they ever find any’

‘Who have you found the most difficult person to deal with over the years?’ asked P.E. ‘Chavez, Putin or Ahmadinejad?’

‘Without question’ said Hillary ‘the most difficult person I’ve ever had to deal with was that Lewinsky woman’

‘Going on to more personal matters’ said P.E. ‘are there any circumstances in which you would challenge Obama for the Democratic nomination in 2012?’

‘Well it’s possible’ replied Hillary ‘but only if he gets into such a financial mess that the bailiffs turn up at the White House to repossess the furniture’

‘Is there a chance’ asked P.E. ‘that you would take over the vice-presidency from Joe?’

‘Absolutely not’ snapped Hillary ‘I know Joe’s pretty average even when he’s awake but there’s no way I’m prepared to take on even the remotest responsibility for that fourteen trillion dollar debt. It would be like accepting the job as Finance Minister of Greece’

‘Are there any exciting new diplomatic initiatives we can expect?’ asked P.E.

‘Oh sure’ said Hillary ‘Obama has asked me to establish diplomatic relations with Guantanamo Bay. Furthermore I’m going to declare Alaska a foreign country in order to disqualify Palin from running for president’

‘So will you still be Secretary of State if Obama gets re-elected?’ asked P.E.

‘I’m thinking of trying something completely new’ said Hillary ‘like married life with Bill’

P.E.Doff is a life member of the Washington Binge Drinking Club