Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

19th March 2010

Dear Mr President,

It’s been a terrible week here.

First we get news that your family aren’t coming with you to Australia, then we’re told you’re coming here later than planned, then you’re only coming for twenty-four hours missing out Sydney and may not come at all if the healthcare bill doesn’t get passed.

Kevin can’t get anything passed either. If you ask me you both need a good dose of prunes.

Mildred and I are even considering going to Canberra just to catch a glimpse of you. Give me a wave if you see me in the crowd. I’ll be wearing my pink and beige floral number so I should be pretty easy to spot.

I’ve cancelled the provisional booking for your address at the local RSL conference centre and told the mayor he can hang up his chain for the day. It’s such a shame.

I’m terribly worried about Kevin. His poll numbers are in the toilet and everybody’s saying how rude and bad tempered he is. He was even hostile to our premier Kristina who’s such a lovely woman. Neville’s really got the hots for her. It’s a bit confusing when your husband is threatening to elope with the NSW Premier.

I’m relying on you to give Kevin a bit of a surge while you’re here. He seems to be spending all his time in hospitals and churches. I’m worried he’ll get confused and hand round a bedpan for the church collection. They never provide restrooms in churches so he might collect more than he bargained for.

By the way please don’t mention the ETS when you’re with Kevin. He seems to have gone right off it. Maybe he’ll recover in time for the next climate change conference in Mexico. It looks like the drug cartels will be running the country by then so we’ll be able to see whether things really do go better with coke. Oh I am awful sometimes.

Instead of our usual World Affairs Think Tank session this week the Club put together a list of must-do things for you in Australia. I hope it will come in handy.

You’ve got to buy the children’s book written by Kevin. I think it’s called ‘Snow White and the 07 Kevins’.

Please tell everyone that Kevin is the loveliest, most delightful, good-tempered, polite, intelligent and generous man you’ve ever met. Yes I know it’s not true but you’re the only person who could say it without causing raucous laughter.

If you get served Coon cheese in the parliament canteen please don’t take it personally.

I’m sure you wont feel out of place when you find you’re the only black person in the Australian Parliament. There are two Browns however and both of them are green.

If you haven’t had time to write your speech to the joint sitting of Parliament why don’t you pick up a copy of the one Yudwhoyouknow gave them a couple of weeks ago when you’re in Indonesia. I’m sure no-one would notice if you did an encore and it contains all the right stuff about terrorists, co-operation, how wonderful Australia and Kevin are with no mention of the ETS.

Whatever you do don’t pass on any advice to your daughters from Tony Abbott. But Sarah Palin might appreciate it.

Unfortunately you wont have time this trip to come with me to watch the Eels. They lost to the Saints in the opener but I’ll book you a seat for the grand final because they’re bound to be there.

Till next week.

Gaelene Woo,
President