Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

9th April 2010

Dear Mr President,

You are simply not going to believe this. My beloved Eels got beaten by the Cronulla Sharks of all people. That’s like your mob the Chicago White Sox getting trounced by the Alaskan Little Leaguers coached by Sarah Palin.

I follow the Eels religiously especially at Easter but sometimes my faith is sorely tested especially now that the Tigers are playing like Angels.

What do you think about this dreadful business with the catholic priests. I hope you’ve given the Pope a bit of a rollocking over it. I’d love to give him a piece of my mind. Fancy confessing to someone who’s got more to confess than you have. If he needs any help tell the Pope I’ve got a guaranteed way of making a prelate celibate. Give him a good hard kick in the cobblers.

I was shocked to hear that Malcolm’s getting out of politics though I wont miss him much and neither will Tony. Fancy trying to get Kevin fired for doing his mate John a good turn. Then he tried to help Kevin with the ETS and really stuffed that. And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it was Malcolm who persuaded Kevin to get into that insulation mess.

Malcolm reminded me of someone driving one of those Toyota cars with the accelerator jammed on 200kms an hour. He was racing flat out towards the prime ministers office knocking over Brendan Nelson and Godwin Grech on the way before finally crashing into the ETS barrier which Kevin had craftily put in his way.

I’m terribly worried that Kevin is overheating. He’s trying to stop global warming and people’s roofs catching fire while Tony’s applying a blowtorch to his backside over schools and hospitals.

Neville says that if you’ve got a few bucks to spare he’ll go into partnership with you in a hospitals building company and there might still be some business to pick up from schools. In view of where most of his stimulus money’s been going recently I’m sure Kevin would see it as an improvement if some of it landed up in the US.

Owing to the Easter break we didn’t have a meeting of the World Affairs Think Tank this week. Hope that’s ok with you. Instead Mildred and I went down to the Canberra Press Club to hear Bob Brown talk about securing Australia’s future energy needs. According to him coal and gas are a total no-no, nuclear power is worse and all he’s keen on is wavepower and windpower. It all sounded like a load of piss and wind to me.

Have you read about that huge Chinese ship carrying coal which crashed into the Barrier Reef? Bloody outrage. I’d arrest the captain and charge him with cruising round the Barrier Reef without a licence from Queensland Tourism. Then I’d sentence him to ten years and send him back to China in exchange for Stern Hu and a massive iron ore contract.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo,
President