Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

1st April 2010

Dear Mr President,

Last week when I was in Canberra I popped into the US Embassy and introduced myself to Jeff Bleich your ambassador. Such a lovely man.

Would you believe he invited Neville and me to have afternoon tea with you and Michelle during your visit in June. I’m so thrilled I think I’ll burst. Jeff asked me to talk to you about the world’s first Obama Fan Club because he thinks its an absolutely brilliant concept.

I just can’t make my mind up about all the asylum seekers who are sailing across here from Indonesia. You have to be sorry for them but I can’t help feeling that one day we’ll be overrun. All it will take is the population of Afghanistan to decide they’ve had enough of the joint and hire a few cruise ships to take them to Australia. Can you imagine Kevin trying to pick the Taliban out of that lot?

I understand why the Afghans would want to live in a country run by Kevin rather than that Karzai chap but they don’t know a thing about rugby league or cricket. And I hope someone at Christmas Island warns them about Wilson Tuckey, the Eels’ disappointing start to the season, Alan Jones, Tony’s beachwear, Barnaby Joyce and the home insulation scheme.

People smuggling is such a profitable business that Neville’s thinking of getting into it. He’s got a genius plan. He’s going to buy old Sydney ferries when Kristina flogs them off. Then he’ll fill them up with asylum seekers in Indonesia, charge ten thousand bucks a head, sail into Sydney Harbour and unload them at Circular Quay. No-one will take a blind bit of notice because they’ll think it’s the Manly Ferry.

The World Affairs Think Tank sprang back into action this week by coming up with advice for you on how to handle the Chinese. I know how difficult it can be..

First you’ve got to understand who you’re talking to because what with Stern Hu and President Hu sometimes its difficult to know who’s Hu.

Then you could play pingpong or mah-jong in Hong Kong or Haiphong or dingdong over Falun Gong or Mao Zedong right or wrong or who flung dong at Penny Wong or some nong in a thong going for a song on a chaise longue in Guangdong.

Sorry, we couldn’t think of anything serious and we just got carried away.

Whatever you do don’t get Kevin to speak to the Chinese on your behalf. Ever since he started talking to them in Chinese they’ve gone right off him. He must speak Uighur with a Tibetan accent.

Oh by the way if you’ve panicked at the thought of having tea with me at the Embassy – APRIL FOOL. Ha ha, caught you that time.

Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President