Yap No: 22

‘Have you bought my Christmas present yet?’ I asked

‘No’ said Big O ‘could you give me some ideas?’

‘Well look’ I said ‘don’t get me wrong. I loved the turkey dinner last year, but now that I’m a senior presidential adviser I’ve raised my expectations. I’m hoping for a new computer’

‘What’s wrong with Rahm Emanuel’s hand-me-down?’ asked Big O

‘It generates automatic email responses’ I said ‘like “get f..ked”’

‘I wondered where I was getting all those emails from’ said Obama ‘I thought Ahmadinejad was sending them’

‘That reminds me’ I said ‘I hope there’s nothing about me in that Wikileaks stuff. Everything that’s come out so far would be like the Neighbourhood News compared with the revelation that the President’s senior adviser is a dog’

‘That would be bad enough’ said Big O ‘but the revelation that you write some of my speeches would be a real show-stopper. And don’t forget that cable you sent me claiming that Nancy Pelosi is absolutely barking’

‘Don’t panic’ I said ‘here’s an idea. As a contingency move why don’t you start calling Harry Reid by the codename Bo. I know it strains credibility to claim he’s responsible for my brilliant stuff but it would be a great cover and besides he does have a sort of hang-dog a look about him’

‘Have you got any other Christmas wishes?’ asked Big O

‘Sure’ I said ‘I wish that the dog-kicking headkicker Rahm Emanuel loses the Chicago Mayor election and that Sarah Palin is a pin-up in Sports Illustrated’.

‘Why’ asked Big O

‘Because I sent her some cellulite cream for Christmas’ I said ‘and I want to check if I got it right’

‘What are you going to give me for Christmas?’ asked Big O

‘I’ve got a number of great ideas’ I said ‘First I’m going to create a BoLeaks website where I shall release a number of fake emails between George W and Dick Cheney describing you as a truly great president’

‘What a coincidence’ said Big O ‘that was top of my Christmas wish-list’

‘Then I made both of us members of the Tea Party’ I said ‘to prove that it’s an organisation that is prepared to accept any man and his dog’

Don’t tell me’ said Big O ‘you’ve signed me on as a Republican’

‘Finally’ I said ‘I bought some band-aids so the country won’t have to put up with any more of your bleedin’ lip’

‘That’s a bit cheeky’ said Big O ‘Some things never change’

‘That’s true’ I said ‘like George W Bush’s tax cuts’