‘Big O’ I said ‘I hope you haven’t forgotten that iPad you promised me for Christmas and make sure it’s got skype and kindle’

‘What do you need skype for?’ asked Big O

‘To talk to my girlfriends’ I replied

‘I don’t know how you put up with all that bitching’ said Big O ‘. Now I want to talk to you about taking on some new responsibilities in 2012’

‘About time’ I said ‘I’m more than ready to take over as Secretary of State’

‘Get real’ said Big O ‘If I fired Hillary she’d be after my job and besides I don’t think the US is quite ready to be represented in the great councils of the world by a dog’

‘On the contrary’ I said ‘being represented by man’s best friend would be a brilliant move and you have to admit that most of the people I’d be talking to are absolutely barking’

‘I want you to take over as head of my re-election campaign’ said Big O

‘That’s interesting’ I said ‘but what about David Plouffe, I thought he was a campaign genius’

‘Oh he is’ said Big O ‘but I think he needs guidance from someone who not only has a chip on his shoulder but also one in his backside as well’

‘So what exactly is my role?’ I asked

‘The fact is’ said Big O ‘that I’m not going to get re-elected on my record especially the economic aspect of it. I’ve got to rely on slagging off the Republican candidates especially the one who gets the nomination. You’ve got your nose in the dirt all the time and have a unique talent for sniffing out the type of dirt that will clinch my re-election’

‘To be perfectly frank’ I said ‘it’s not the sort of cabinet position I was expecting but it does have some appealing aspects. Are you sure Plouffe and Axelrod will be ok with this?’

‘Absolutely’ replied Big O ‘because they’re not going to know about it. You’ll give all your ideas to me, I pass them on and Plouffe and Axelrod will assume they’re just more products of my powerful intellect’

‘So there’s no fame in it for me’ I said ‘but how about fortune or food?’

‘No way’ said Big O ‘last time I increased your food intake you became bone idle. I was thinking more along the lines of sex’

‘Now you’re talking’ I said ‘Life’s a bitch’