Chapter 1: A Leak in the Plumbing

A senior member of the Obama administration has agreed to reveal to Friday Mash in deepest confidence all the dark and dirty doings at the very heart of government.

We have codenamed the source Deep Thrombosis and assigned two of our top investigative reporters, Backward and Wormsteam, to this landmark assignment. Here is their account of the first meeting with Deep Thrombosis.

A shadowy figure emerged from the gloom and entered the smelly disused toilet block assigned as our meeting place. His identity was concealed by sunglasses and a large scarf and he looked like a supporting actor in a third-rate spy movie.

‘I’m Backward’ I said ‘and this is Wormsteam’

He nodded slightly, walked over to the urinal but was overcome by toxic fumes before he could use it.

‘No matter’ he said ‘my purpose in coming here is to piss all over the Obama government in strictest confidence’

‘Why are you doing this?’ asked Wormsteam

‘Because I’m a Bush appointee whom Obama forgot to fire’ said Deep Thrombosis ‘and I can’t stand by while this administration stuffs the country. Please remember I don’t exist until I write my explosive memoirs in thirty years’ time’

‘We’ve codenamed you Deep Thrombosis’ I said ‘which could apply to any number of clots working for Obama’

‘Good idea’ said Deep Thrombosis ‘Now here’s the latest, Timothy Geithner the Treasury Secretary has formed a new unit called the plumbers’

‘They’re badly needed to fix this place’ said Wormsteam

‘This is the latest strategy agreed by Obama and Geithner’ said Deep Thrombosis ‘to fix the debt crisis’

‘How are they going to do that?’ I asked

‘Rob banks’ replied Deep Thrombosis ‘They’re recruiting inmates from our top slammers and currently have them under training to become the world’s leading gang of bank robbers’

‘Is Timothy Geithner actually training them?’ asked Wormsteam

‘No, he was involved in setting revenue raising targets’ said Deep Thrombosis ‘and he’s agreed to set an example by paying his tax on time’

‘Why do you believe the administration have taken this action?’ I asked

‘What alternative have they got’ replied Deep Thrombosis ‘they could nationalise Donald Trump but even the Republicans think that would cause too many problems. They also believe that if they clean out the banks it will put an end to that bloody stupid Occupy Wall Street movement’

‘Can you tell us which banks have been targeted?’ asked Wormsteam

‘Obviously those which offer the biggest dividends’ replied Deep Thrombosis ‘Listen I’ve got to rush off’

‘Why?’ I asked ‘do you think there’s a chance you’re being followed?’

‘No’ replied Deep Thrombosis ‘I urgently need to find a toilet that’s working’