Friday Mash is delighted to report that there were no major cases of electoral brain damage during the Iowa caucuses.

Our emergency services team was pro-active in treating sensitive people at most risk. One patient pleaded to be locked away in a secure place where there was no risk of hearing any more of Michele Bachmann’s warnings of doom but fortunately she withdrew from the primaries in the nick of time.

Following her withdrawal commentators are questioning whether God and the Tea Party are adequately represented in the presidential race. The Tea Party however now seem content with Rick Santorum and there is relief all round that Bachmann didn’t turn out to be God’s chosen one presidentially speaking.

Having been around for years without making so much as a ripple there is astonishment that Santorum has made a splash in the presidential campaign. There are growing demands that he should be tested for steroids.

Jon Huntsman broke into Chinese during his appearances on the hustings in New Hampshire. There is now considerable speculation about whether he is the Manchurian Candidate.

The Democratic Party are extremely grateful to the Republican candidates who have spent zillions on advertising which reveals what a sleazebag Newt Gingrich is. This has not only saved them a packet by not having to run the campaign themselves but has also avoided them being labelled filthy muckrakers.

Ron Paul needs a major boost for his campaign. We are unable to confirm at this point that Ahamadinejad has agreed to endorse his candidacy.

The Sheriff from Texas was severely wounded in the Iowa shootout. He’s returned home to stop the bleeding and restructure his posse. Many believe that South Carolina will be his last round-up.

The Republican candidates are chasing endorsements from John McCain, Sarah Palin and even people with experience of winning presidential campaigns. It is rumoured however that some of them have written to George W. Bush pleading with him not to endorse them.

The Friday Mash emergency services team is now moving in through New Hampshire. South Carolina and Florida determined to do whatever is necessary to stamp out the scourge of electoral brain damage. We are currently trialling new treatments like the device which automatically switches off the television when a politician appears.

We are still concerned about people who were so heavily traumatised following the last presidential election that they still think Obama is a change they can believe in and are prepared to contribute to a billion dollar campaign to ensure they suffer four more years of fiscal crisis and raised debt ceilings.

If you know anyone in this pitiable state please contact us and we’ll check to see whether they’re too far gone to respond to treatment.

You don’t have to be brainless to avoid the risk of mental degradation during a presidential election but it helps.