Guy the Friday Mash Superfly managed to alight on a wall in Santa’s North Pole offices just as the Elf in the complaints department was taking a call from Kevin. Here is his exclusive account of the conversation

‘Hello’ said the Elf ‘Santa’s complaints department. Ernie the Elf speaking’

‘I wish to register a complaint’ said Kevin ‘about the selection of presents which Santa delivered to me on Christmas night’

‘You’ve come to the right place sir’ said Ernie ‘and I trust you enjoyed a very Merry Christmas?’

‘Well it was ok apart from the presents’ said Kevin ‘Santa left me a copy of The Best of Wikileaks and it contained some seriously scurrilous stuff about me’

‘Oh I remember’ said Ernie ‘Julian asked us to deliver that to you but before we agreed we insisted on censoring all the rude names the Americans called you like ‘control freak show’

‘And that’s not all’ said Kevin ‘Santa also left a copy of the Latham Diaries and the stuff in there about me was even worse’

‘Santa only agreed to deliver that present’ said Ernie ‘after Mark swore he was telling truth and you really are a ‘media whore’ and a ‘prissy preening little prat’

‘He even left me a third book’ said Kevin ‘called An Inconvenient Truth. I read that years ago so I gave it away’

‘No it’s a new book with the same name’ said Ernie ‘which is about your prime ministership’

‘Who the hell’s that complaining on the phone?’ yelled Santa from the next room

‘It’s Kevin whinging about his Christmas presents’ said Ernie

‘Not him again’ said Santa ‘Did you tell him about the present Osama bin Laden sent him? Thank goodness the bomb squad found it before I left’

‘And there’s another thing’ said Kevin ‘Santa left a huge lump of coal under my Christmas Tree’

‘That was from the mining industry’ said Ernie ‘and they’re sending you an invoice for the carbon tax’

‘And who on earth was responsible’ asked Kevin ‘for sending me a pair of budgie smugglers?’

‘Tony Abbott’ said Ernie ‘and he said you wouldn’t have the balls to wear them’

‘The final straw was that stab-proof vest with large holes in the back’ said Kevin ‘Which degenerate sent me that monstrosity?’

‘I remember the guy’ said Ernie ‘but I just can’t put a face to him’

‘Don’t tell him about that present from Julia’ yelled Santa ‘It’s a one-way ticket to the UN but she’s asked us to delay delivery until next Christmas’