This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall at the MCG overhearing a discussion between two members of the Aussie Test Selection Committee, Andrew Hilditch the chairman and Greg Chappell. Here is his exclusive report of their discourse.

‘Of course it was a shattering blow that we didn’t regain the Ashes’ said Andrew ‘but there’s no doubt that the selection committee did a superb job’

‘No doubt at all’ said Greg ‘It was such a pity that the players we selected let us down. All our brilliant work has gone to waste’

‘We’ve even copped quite a bit of criticism’ said Andrew ‘and there have actually been calls for me to resign. There’s no justice. People have to understand that it’s our responsibility to pick the best team but we can’t guarantee that they’ll win’

‘The media have blamed us for the team’s sub-standard fielding’ said Greg ‘Even they should understand that we never pick a player for his fielding’

‘Then there’s the umpires’ said Andrew ‘They had an horrendous series but what can you expect if we’re not allowed to pick them?’

‘By the way’ asked Greg ‘what happened when you texted Warnie saying you needed him urgently?’

‘I got a text back’ said Andrew ‘saying I was the hottest thing since Liz Hurley and suggesting a date at a motel in Geelong’

‘I’m not sure about Boonie’s selection strategy to give the team more of a party flavour’ said Greg ‘Bollinger and Beer were ok but then he scoured the country for a player called Grog and he wanted to select a sixty-five year old grandmother who’d never picked up a bat called Victoria Bitter’

‘What the team needs is spirit’ said Andrew

‘I know’ said Greg ‘but the nearest thing we can find is a WA player called Bandy’

‘Our objective for the next Ashes series’ said Andrew ‘must be to select an Australian team that will eat the Poms alive’

‘Totally agree’ said Greg ‘that’s why I’ve opened up a new source of talent from Papua New Guinea’s cannibal cricket league’

‘I told our bowlers to attack the Poms with bodyline’ said Andrew ‘Now they tell me they misheard and thought I said shoddyline. But overall I couldn’t be more thrilled with the way the selection committee acquitted itself’

‘Only the poor performance of the players stood between us and regaining the Ashes’ said Greg ‘Australia lost three tests by an innings but if it hadn’t been for us it would have been five’

‘There’s no doubt we won the Selection Ashes by five tests to nil’ said Andrew

‘I love being on a winning team’ said Greg