Last week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in Julia’s office to overhear her conversation with Wayne about budgetary matters. Here is his exclusive report on their discourse.

‘Julia’ said Wayne ‘I’m terribly worried about my budget surplus in 2013. It’s in danger of going down the plughole with the Queensland floods’

‘Come on Wayne’ said Julia ‘she’ll be right mate. I’ll chop a few programmes back, impose a flood levy and that’s a quick five billion to fix the joint up again’

‘What programmes are you chopping back?’ asked Wayne

‘Nothing much’ said Julia ‘just Cash for Clunkers and Green Loans’

‘Crikey’ said Wayne ‘the Greens will have a fit. It could bring down the government’

‘Relax’ said Julia ‘I only introduced those policies to get Bob Brown onside and now everyone’s realised they’re a pair of braindead thought bubbles’

‘But why can’t we downsize the NBN?’ asked Wayne ‘that would save even more money’

‘I couldn’t do that’ said Julia ‘Rob Oakeshott and Tony Windsor would throw a wobbler and might even go over to Mr Rabbit and the dark side’

‘All you have to do is delay it a year or two’ said Wayne ‘and as it’s not scheduled for completion until 2022 no-one’s going to get their knickers in a twist if it blows out to 2024’

‘Rob and Tony would’ said Julia ‘and I promised them I would get it done on time’

‘Well I promised them a surplus in 2013’ said Wayne

‘They won’t give a rats about that’ said Julia ‘as long as they get an NBN on time’

‘But if I don’t deliver a surplus in 2013’ said Wayne ‘Tony Abbott and Joe Hockey will make me look like a goose and that’s very embarrassing for a Swan’

‘As you know’ said Julia ‘I’m irrevocably committed to a surplus in 2013 and there are many ways we can skin that cat’

‘Like what?’ asked Wayne

‘We could cancel the remainder of the stimulus spend’ replied Julia

‘Great idea’ said Wayne ‘I was never comfortable with the policy of pursuing stimulus spending until we had a bigger economy than China. Tell you what, we could save a bundle by closing all the asylum seeker centres in Australia and re-opening Nauru’

‘That was John Howard’s idea’ said Julia ‘We’re not yet that desperate. Don’t forget the flood levy. No Aussie will begrudge paying that’

‘Rob and Tony don’t seem all that keen’ said Wayne

‘They’re proposing a permanent disaster fund’ said Julia ‘but I told them it would not be necessary because you’re only temporary. They’ll agree with the flood levy once I tell them that a large part of it will be allocated to Port Macquarie and Tamworth’

‘But they’re not disaster areas’ said Wayne

‘Yes they are’ said Julia ‘If we don’t come up with some cash they’ll fall to the Nationals at the next election’