Story No: 24

I was spending a week or two down at George’s ranch in Crawford Texas. Nice spread. The food was delicious, all fresh and no canned, and there were plenty of places I could sniff around. George always needed to have one of his top advisers handy.

‘Barney’ said George one beautiful spring morning ‘I’ve been invited to open the local dog show. Would you like to come along?’

I wasn’t all that keen. Dog shows were designed for dog owners rather than dogs. They ponce around the show-ring with their dogs in tow and bask in all the prizes and glory while their dogs are supposed to stand there like dumb animals. Sheer exploitation that’s what it is.

‘Ok’ I said without enthusiasm ‘I’ll come’

‘Good’ said George ‘I might enter you in the show. You’re a fine example of a Scottish Terrier pedigree’

‘George’ I said ‘I’ll only enter the show if there’s a championship for talking dogs and I can make a speech urging everyone to vote Democrat’

I went to the show with George and Laura. She’s such a considerate lady who treats me as one of the family. Barney Bush has a certain ring to it. George has forbidden me to chat with her but I’m on good patting and sniffing terms.

George made this gushing speech about how wonderful the US was as well as Texas, the Republican Party, dogs and of course dog owners who were elevated to backbone of the country status. Thank goodness most of them are on a lead. He finally declared the show open and it wasn’t a bad speech because I wrote it for him.

I settled down to watch the show from a privileged position in the official enclosure. It was all a bit boring really and I was just about to nod off when I saw her.

This ghastly woman was leading round the show-ring the most adorable vision of Scottish Terrier bitch beauty that I had ever seen. The poor dog had obviously spent the previous twenty-four hours in the pet parlour because she was exquisitely groomed with just the right amount of make-up.

Smitten didn’t really cover it. Totally, utterly and absolutely zonked was more like it.

The following day I was still off my food.

‘George’ I said ‘I’m hopelessly in love. Did you see that incredibly sexy bitch at the show?’

‘I didn’t realise that Madonna was there’ said George

‘George’ I said ‘I’m talking about that loveliness on four legs who was champion of the show’

‘Oh the Matterson’s dog’ he said ‘they’re coming here tomorrow for the Republican fundraiser’

‘Are they bringing their dog?’ I asked

‘For you Barney anything’ said George ‘I’ll get Laura to phone them and invite them to bring Priscilla’

‘Oh dear’ I thought ‘but there again what’s in a name?’

On the morning of the fundraiser I limbered up with a dip in the pond and a growl at the cat. I even did a few push-ups.

As the cars arrived I struck a casual pose by the reception area ready for the first precious glimpse of Priscilla.

As soon as her feet touched the ground I bounded over much to the alarm of the Mattersons and in a mad passionate moment we touched noses.

I knew immediately that I had been sold a pup. She was gay. When I told George he didn’t stop laughing for weeks.