Yap No 38

‘You know Bo’ said Big O ‘I’ve just had a terrible shock’

‘Don’t tell me’ I said ‘that Ahmadinejad has invited you over to Tehran for Christmas’

‘No’ he said ‘much worse. I bought a calculator so I could get a better understanding of our debt situation and found it wasn’t wide enough to punch in fourteen trillion’

‘Would you like me to phone Steve Jobs’ I asked ‘to see whether he’ll custom-build one for you?’

‘No better not Bo’ said Big O ‘I think I’ll wait until the debt breaks into the quadrillions. Tell me how on earth did we get into this mess?’

‘It’s quite simple really’ I said ‘George W. Bush, the housing debacle, a couple of wars and the stimulus package’

‘Wait a minute’ said Big O ‘if I hadn’t introduced the stimulus package we’d be in a far bigger mess than we are now’

‘Well then’ I said ‘it wasn’t a stimulus package. It was a ‘saving our arse from getting caught in the wringer’ package’’

‘The Republicans are being absolute ratbags over raising the debt ceiling’ said Big O ‘Who the hell cares whether the debt’s fourteen trillion or seventeen except the people who decide whether we get a Triple A rating? I mean what else can they rate us if we’re the biggest economy in the world? The Republicans don’t even want to raise taxes on the rich’

‘Well you should hardly be surprised by that’ I said ‘they are the rich. Besides if you tax them any more they won’t invest in creating more jobs’

‘If I can tax the rich enough’ said Big O ‘we won’t need more jobs because I’ll be able to afford all the unemployment benefits’

‘Look Big O’ I said ‘you’ve got to become more flexible in your thinking if you’re going to fix the debt situation’

‘I suppose you’re right Bo’ said Big O ‘but taxing the rich is in my DNA. Now I come to think of it I’ve had a huge offer from Hyatt for the White House and Al Qaeda have offered billions for Guantanamo Bay’

‘Well that makes sense’ I said ‘because they’ve already colonised it. And if they were located locally it would be much easier to stage navy seal raids. I think you should introduce a cap and trade scheme’

‘Great idea Bo’ said Big O ‘that would create a lot of jobs’

‘There’s just one problem’ I said ‘it would also cause a lot of unemployment because it would result in the closure of the steel and mining industries’

‘That’s not a problem’ said Big O ‘because it would convert carbon emitting employees into carbon neutral unemployed. As a matter of interest what do you think would happen if I couldn’t raise the debt ceiling?’

‘Simple’ I replied ‘the roof would fall in’