Three of the world’s greatest ever politicians have graduated to become global guardians of world best political practice. Whenever or wherever politicians prove to be prunes, pinheads or pikers, Bush, Blair and Howard are on watch, ready to restore them with ruthless resolve back to political correctness.

Case No. 2. Hamid Karzai

The Polliewatch Global Standards Committee convened under strictest security to identify the politician currently most in need of an upgrade to world best political practice.

After carefully reviewing the strong claims of Nancy Pelosi and Ahmadinejad they settled on the President of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai, as Bush Blair Howard’s second case. It took two days to brief the pride of Polliewatch before their executive jet headed for Kabul airport and their worldwide support network was put on full alert.

There’s been something I’ve wanted to say to you three for some time’ said Karzai ‘this war was all your bloody fault’

‘Please understand’ said Bush ‘we’re not here to claim any credit or take anything away from your mates in Al Qaeda and the Taliban. We’re here to raise your job performance’

‘I beg your pardon’ said Karzai ‘you guys should be coming here begging for my advice and offering me a huge fee’

‘We’re the principals of Polliewatch’ said Blair ‘an organisation dedicated to guiding palpably pissweak and parasitic politicians like you down the path of world’s best political practice’

‘You guys obviously don’t have a clue what world best political practice is’ said Karzai ‘because I’m it’

‘Listen’ said Howard ‘you’re closer to the Archbishop of Canterbury than you are to world best political practice. You’re taking money from the US and distributing it to yourself and a few others, you’re addicted to the family drug business and you’ve got one foot in the US camp, one in the Taliban camp and one in the Pakistan camp’

‘That’s three feet’ said Karzai

‘I know’ said Howard ‘that’s how you became Afghanistan’s three-legged race champion and did part-time work as a cake-stand’

‘Look’ said Karzai ‘I’ve got to make a bit on the side in the family’s drug business. I have to pay a fortune for all my glittering capes and funny hats’

‘We have evidence’ said Bush ‘that you’re colluding with the Taliban and their supporters in Pakistan and you recently said you’d side with Pakistan in any conflict with the US’

‘That’s completely false’ said Karzai ‘I said I’d side with whoever paid me more money. If the US wants me to rat on my friends they’ve got to make it worthwhile’

‘Here’s our deal’ said Blair ‘either you promise to stop two-timing the US and adopt world best political practice or you resign immediately and we’ll ensure all the US aid goes direct to where it’s most needed’

‘Get lost’ said Karzai ‘I’m due to be re-elected next year in a landslide. My team’s already completed all the voting slips’

‘If you don’t comply immediately with our demands’ said Howard ‘we’ll tell the Arab League you’ve been secretly circumcised’

‘You can’t do that’ cried Karzai ‘it would mean I would have to go and live in the US where they treat women like Sarah Palin inhumanely’

‘It’s your choice’ said Bush

‘Ok’ said Karzai ‘I promise to be true to the US and world best political practice if the US increases my aid by a measly five percent and promises not to destroy my family’s poppy farms’

Back at Polliewatch Central Bush, Blair and Howard completed their No. 2 Case File with a certain amount of quiet satisfaction. They reflected that world best political practice was possibly a standard too high for Karzai while he still had to deal with all the US politicians who keep visiting the country.