Three of the world’s greatest ever politicians have graduated to become global guardians of world best political practice. Whenever or wherever politicians prove to be prunes, pinheads or pikers, Bush, Blair and Howard are on watch, ready to restore them with ruthless resolve back to political correctness.

Case No. 3. Sarah Palin

The Polliewatch Global Standards Committee expressed grave concern at their recent meeting.

They were deeply troubled by the huge number of politicians throughout the world who desperately need a performance upgrade but their instincts led them to believe that the greatest need of all lay within the campaign for the Republican nomination for president in the US.

Obama was clearly stuffing the joint but all the Republican campaign seemed capable of producing was some tawdry sexual harassment and a sorry selection of candidates whom even the Tea Party can’t love for more than a week or two.

The answer they decided was Sarah Palin. Only she could inject the sort of mind-altering message that the campaign was so sadly lacking.

The following day Polliewatch despatched Bush Blair Howard, their crack team in world best political practice, to Alaska.

‘Hi you guys’ said Palin as they checked into her office ‘have you come for the caribou shooting festival?’

‘I’m afraid not’ replied Bush ‘we’re on a vital mission. As the principals of Polliewatch we are very worried that the campaign to find the Republican nomination for president is an enervating non-event’

‘I know’ responded Palin ‘the TV debates remind me of third-rate quiz shows where nobody’s smart enough to win any prizes’

‘The campaign needs to be more outrageous, invasive, brassier, louder and ruder’ said Blair

‘That’s why we thought of you’ said Howard

‘But what about inspiring and presidential?’ asked Palin

‘Look’ said Bush ‘don’t let’s get carried away. How about we settle on a hide like a rhinocerous?’

‘But do you guys really think I’ve got what it takes to be the US president?’ asked Palin

‘Of course not’ said Blair ‘but we think you’ve certainly got what it takes to be a provocative pain in the arse’

‘Are you kidding?’ demanded Palin ‘here am I making a fortune out of books and speaking engagements and you expect me to give all that up and cop a world record slagging-off just to stop the campaign for the Republican nomination being a cure for insomnia’

‘Look’ said Howard ‘we didn’t say you couldn’t win we just said you weren’t up to the job just like our colleague Bush. You’re still got as much chance of securing the nomination as anyone else. I mean have you seen what an unimpressive lot the candidates are?’

‘Wait a bit’ said Palin ‘there’s only five weeks left before the first primary. I won’t have time to put in organisation together’

‘Don’t worry about that’ said Bush ‘the last thing people expect of you is organisation’

‘Ok’ said Palin ‘I’ve decided you’re right and I should stand for the nomination. And when I become president I shall be an inspiration for loud, abrasive, over-sexed, outspoken and rude women to rise up and assert themselves through all sectors of the community both here and right around the world heralding the emergence of women like me as lightning rods…’

‘Look Palin’ said Bush ‘thank you for your time. We’ll show ourselves out and good luck with your future writing and speaking career’