Three of the world’s greatest ever politicians have graduated to become global guardians of world best political practice. Whenever or wherever politicians prove to be prunes, pinheads or pikers, Bush, Blair and Howard are on watch, ready to restore them with ruthless resolve back to political correctness.

Case No. 6 – Mario Monte

When the Polliewatch Global Standards Committee met recently in secret conclave they couldn’t shake the feeling that the fate of the Costa Concordia was a portent of even bigger disasters to come in Italy. It was going to be a challenge to prevent the entire country ending up on the rocks.

The Committee agreed unanimously that Mario Monte, the new technocrat prime minister, needed guidance to lift his game to anywhere near world best political practice. Accordingly they resolved to send their ace enforcement team to help Mario keep his head above water.

Bush Blair Howard were on the next available flight to Rome keenly aware they were about to undertake one of the toughest cases of their career.

‘Good morning gentlemen’ said Monte greeting them on arrival at his office ‘if you’re here for a prime ministerial bunga bunga party I’m afraid I’ve had to cancel them all’

‘We’re the principals of Polliewatch’ said Bush ‘the independent global agency dedicated to the implementation of world best political practice and we dropped in to see if we could help’

‘Well that’s very thoughtful of you’ said Monte ‘but I’m a technocrat so world best political practice is well outside my range of competence’

‘The point is’ said Blair ‘that if Italy goes bust you’ll drag the rest of us down with you. So that’s why we’re unusually motivated to help’

‘Look’ said Monte ‘I’m not sure I’m the one you should be talking to. They made me prime minister just because they wanted somebody else to share the blame’

‘Tell me’ said Howard ‘exactly what sort of shape is the Italian economy in?’

‘I don’t really know’ said Monte ‘I haven’t been able to find it all yet’

‘What steps have you taken so far’ asked Bush ‘to tackle the economic situation?’

‘Well the main thing I’ve done’ replied Monte ‘is to fire all Berlusconi’s pet projects from the cabinet’

‘What you need’ said Blair ‘is a new head of Treasury who understands the urgent need for a sinking fund’

‘I know’ said Monte ‘but Francesco Schettini is under house arrest’

‘We believe it would be a tremendous boost for your economy’ said Howard ‘if Italians started to pay income tax’

‘That’s a great idea’ said Monte ‘They used to do it but for some reason the idea seemed to go out of fashion’

‘And if things get really desperate’ said Bush ‘you can always pop down to the Vatican and ask the Pope for a loan’

‘Now why didn’t I think of that’ said Monte

‘And finally’ said Howard ‘we’ll leave you a copy of our world best political practice manual’

‘That’s very kind of you’ said Monte ‘I’m sure there are politicians around here who could derive some benefit from it’