Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall of Tony Abbott’s office in Canberra when he met Julie Bishop and Joe Hockey to discuss reports of unrest within the Coalition. Here is Guy’s exclusive report.

‘Now what’s this I’m hearing about the backbench natives getting restless?’ asked Tony ‘who is stirring the shit around here?’

‘Well Julie mainly’ said Joe ‘but not as much as you stirred it in Afghanistan’

‘Afghanistan’ said Julie ‘where on earth’s that?’

‘Well you should know’ said Tony ‘you’re supposed to be the bloody shadow foreign minister’

‘I can’t be expected to know everything that’s going on in all those African countries’ said Julie

‘The backbenchers don’t think you’ve got a clue about foreign affairs’ said Joe ‘Here’s a test for you. Who is the US President?’

‘The guy who followed George W Bush’ said Julie

‘I think she’s getting better’ said Tony ‘very encouraging. Come to think of it Joe some backbenchers are really pissed that you haven’t landed a knockout blow on that deficit-ridden douchebag Wayne Swan’

‘Don’t worry’ said Joe ‘I’m preparing a huge budget black hole for him to fall into’

‘Good heavens’ said Julie ‘what on earth will happen to him?’

’He’ll get the lead in a remake of the Black Swan’ said Joe ‘Our main problem is that Tony hasn’t kept his new year resolution to keep his mouth shut’

‘Yes I have’ said Tony ‘’Shit happens’ happened last year and I did a controlled impersonation of the Sphinx when that Channel 7 guy rattled my cage’

‘What’s the Sphinx?’ asked Julie

‘It’s an ancient Egyptian statue’ said Joe

‘Oh yes I think I remember’ said Julie ‘it was either washed away in the Queensland floods or damaged during the riots to throw out Anna Bligh’

‘On second thoughts perhaps I should move her to health’ said Tony

‘I wouldn’t’ said Joe ‘at least in her current job she can only cause pain overseas’

‘Pigs ass’ said Tony ‘what about the problems she caused arguing with my proposed cuts in aid to Indonesian schools?’

‘That was so unfair’ said Julie ‘Indonesian schools should be treated exactly the same as the rest of the schools in the Northern Territory. I understand that Andrew Robb wants your job Joe’

‘Well I want Tony’s job’ said Joe

‘You can’t have it’ said Tony ‘because that would upset Malcolm and besides I’ve got him earmarked for your job’

‘Oh really’ said Joe ‘and what have you got earmarked for me?’

‘Julie’s job’ said Tony ‘because you know who the US President is’

‘Oh you mean’ said Joe ‘that black guy’

‘And what job have you got in mind for me?’ asked Julie

‘I called the Sheriff of El Paso yesterday’ said Tony ‘he needs a deputy’

‘I absolutely refuse to move to Tasmania’ said Julie