Yap No: 17

‘Things are getting desperate for the mid-term elections’ said Big O ‘Unless I can come up with a killer idea the Democrats are going to get decimated’

I had already studied the polls and decided that ‘annihilated’ was more like it. Forget the Tea Party, even a cocktail party could beat them.

‘Well you have two options’ I said ‘you can either lie back and enjoy being shafted or you can do something that is so incredibly, incoherently and insanely bereft of all common sense, logic and spin that people would stand up and applaud’

‘Good heavens Bo’ said Big O ‘what on earth do you have in mind?’

‘Look’ I said ‘the folks see you as a skinny guy, all talk and no action, not really a kick-ass go out and grab Ahmadinejad by the throat kind of guy’

‘I’m pretty tough on the basketball court’ said Big O

‘Here’s my plan’ I said ‘You address an election rally in Kabul’

‘Excuse me’ said Big O ‘have you gone barking mad Bo? Are you seriously suggesting that I should drop my campaign schedule here in the US and get on a pork barrel in Kabul?’

‘Hear me out’ I said ‘First of all if you appear at a rally in Kabul no-one will ever again be able to claim you’re a wimp’

‘That my be so’ said Big O ‘but there’s a fair chance I’ll get shot’

‘No way’ I said ‘the CIA would have dozens of drones overheard poised to fire rockets at anyone who even vaguely resembled a terrorist. Apart from that it would be just like campaigning here in Washington’

‘With one big exception’ said Big O ‘there would hardly be any US voters there’

‘That’s where you are wrong’ I said ‘Every TV station in the world would be there and all Americans would be thrilled to see their president defying the Taliban, boldly taking his message to the troops, the Afghans and the Afghan hounds. It’s got action and valour stamped all over it’

‘Yes’ said Obama ‘but I don’t see how that’s going to preserve the Democratic majorities in the House and the Senate and guarantee the future of my progressive program for all Americans’

‘Simple’ I said ‘Once you’ve demonstrated that you’re not just a skinny community organiser the armed forces will vote Democrat, many Americans will change their vote to Democrat and you will get the Afghan vote’

‘What on earth’s the good of the Afghan vote?’ asked Big O

‘That’s the killer idea’ I said ‘If you get Karzai’s supporters onside the Democrats are a shoo-in. We could ship them over for the elections, get them on the rolls and watch the votes pour in. Some of those guys can even vote ten thousand times in a single day’

‘Isn’t that illegal?’ asked Big O

‘Well it’s not in Afghanistan’ I said ‘and the US helped set up the electoral system there’

‘Holy Moses’ said Obama ‘what an incredibly ingenious plan. But don’t you think I’ll cause a lot of animosity in Kabul?’

‘Not really’ I said ‘there’s hardly a Republican or Tea Partier in the place’

‘Won’t I come across a bit contrived like George W on the aircraft carrier?’ asked Big O

‘Good point’ I said ‘We’ll have to arrange for the Taliban to fire a few rockets at you just to make it look authentic’