Story No: 23

‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I need your help’

I sniffed trouble. It was something in George’s tone.

‘Dick and Don’ he said ‘are pressuring me to invade the tribal areas in Pakistan to touch up the Taliban and find OBL. But my plan is to use drones to pinpoint key Taliban targets and bribe the Pakistanis to do the deep down and dirty stuff on the ground’

‘Brilliant thinking George’ I said. Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were obviously up to their old tricks.

‘Now I’ve got a strategic planning meeting with them tomorrow afternoon at the White House’ continued George ‘and I want you to be ready to take a call from the meeting. Here’s the tricky bit. My cunning plan is for you to pretend to be a CIA agent on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border who can give an expert on-the-spot strategic military assessment to support my point of view’

‘That’s a bit of a challenge George’ I said ‘I’ll have to bone up on a few things before you call’

‘One or two other points’ said George ‘I’ll address you by your codename which is Terrier. Pretty funny huh? Oh and by the way you’ll have to address me as Mr President for a change’

The next afternoon at 3.30 the dog and bone rang in my kennel

‘This is Terrier’ I said

‘Hi Terrier’ said George ‘This is the President speaking. I’m here with the vice-President and the Secretary of Defence and you’re on the loudspeaker. What’s the current situation on the border there?’

‘Swarming with Taliban Mr President’ I responded ‘it’s just like passing out day at West Point’

‘Dick Cheney here Terrier’ said Dick ‘are the Taliban well armed?’

I had to smile. I could hardly resist the temptation to tell him he was talking to me. He would absolutely crap himself.

‘They’re armed and dangerous’ I said ‘They all look like Sylvester Stallone in
Rocky II’

‘Great film’ said George

‘Are you in disguise Terrier?’ asked Dick ‘Oh I get it. You’re disguised as a dog’. He was painful when he tried to be funny.

‘That’s right’ I said ‘it helps me keep my nose close to the ground’

‘That’s very funny Ba…Terrier’ said George

‘What’s the terrain like there?’ asked Don

‘Very steep and rocky’ I replied ‘Ok for guerrilla warfare but unsuitable for large troop movements’

I could tell he was impressed by my military analysis.

‘Are you in danger there?’ asked Dick

‘I’m used to it’ I said ‘The Taliban think I’m a Pakistani agent sent by Ahmadinejad to convince them that 9/11 never happened’

‘When is the best time to invade the tribal areas?’ asked Don

‘Well not during a test match’ I said ‘especially if its against India and Pakistan are winning. That would really piss them off. And not during the Afghan Hound Show Week. Militarily speaking I’d recommend you use drones to destroy key Taliban targets pinpointed by me and bribe the Pakistanis to do the heavy stuff on the ground’

‘Very interesting’ said Dick ‘that’s the President’s view. You haven’t been swapping notes with him have you?’

‘Never had the honour of meeting him’ I lied ‘but you know what they say about great minds’

‘Thank you Terrier’ said George ‘stay safe. You’ve been very helpful’

An hour later I met George on the White House lawn.

‘Mission accomplished Terrier’ he said.