18th March 2011

It was such an honour helping Jools represent Australia in Washington. My assignment was to play the role of every American’s image of an Aussie by saying ‘g’day’ to everybody and talking about my experiences wrestling crocodiles.

The White House aides who organise prime ministerial visits didn’t quite know what to do with me. There was nothing in their operations manual about First Bloke protocols. At least they sussed it wouldn’t be appropriate to accompany Michelle on things like First Lady visits to homes for reformed hookers.

Despite my requests Kim Beazley failed to arrange any pub lunches or tours of hairdressing salons. It was a shame because I’m sure Michelle would have loved steak and chips washed down by a decent red but Kim said there were no decent pubs around.

By the way I see Michelle has just been voted the most popular politician in the US. With Jools a bit on the nose and Tony frightening the children I could easily become Australia’s best hope of preventing a Kevin comeback.

I have to say the Obamas both have impeccable hair health and grooming, so I gave the samples of my haircare range I’d taken over for Michelle to the chambermaid at our digs.

After the president’s reaction to the vegemite samples I took over I should have given those to the chambermaid as well.

I have to say I was far from impressed by the general standards of American haircare. Most of the haircuts looked like they had been caused by standing too close to a buzz-saw.

Jools and I attended some impressive receptions but Kim forgot to organise a supply of VB and I had to drink that awful Budweiser, which tastes rather like a monkey’s mouthwash. As I said to the President I accept that beer comes out as piss but I don’t expect it to have those characteristics going in.

You’re not going to believe this but at one of the White House shindigs an Obama hanger-on came up and congratulated me on Jool’s hairstyle and on being the first head of state’s hairdresser ever to be invited to an official reception.

Looking back I feel I can claim to have made some key contributions to informal discussions with Hillary and co. I nodded sagely when anyone referred to the unique relationship between the US and Australia and even when someone described Kevin as an authoritative figure on the world stage.

Climate change however was different. Carbon taxes and ETSs are about as popular over there as a nuclear power plant in Tasmania. Someone even said they agreed with Tony Abbott’s approach. You meet some very strange people at White House receptions these days.

I have to say that Jools was absolutely brilliant throughout the whole trip. In fact her preferred prime minister poll numbers in Washington are about three times what they are in Australia.