Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in Tony Abbott’s office this week when he was holding a political strategy meeting with Julie Bishop and Joe Hockey. Here is his exclusive report.

‘Julia’s in deep trouble’ said Tony ‘Bob Brown’s got her chained to a tree’

‘And we’re about to do some logging’ said Joe

‘Great job on the bank bashing’ said Tony ‘you really made Wayne look like the Wallabies trying to come back from a big half-time deficit. I think it’s time I made some major policy statements about the banks’

‘I’m not sure that’s such a good idea’ said Julie ‘I think we should leave the banks to Joe’

‘Ok’ said Tony ‘what you are saying is that I should concentrate more on the NBN’

‘Not really’ said Joe ‘I think you should let Malcolm do his thing. He’s digging a trench big enough to bury both Julia and Stephen Conroy’

‘Ok then’ said Tony ‘I’ll concentrate on the mining tax’

‘That could be a mistake’ said Julie ‘I think we should just leave Julia and Wayne to get on with the hopeless task of finding an effective deodorant for their pits problem’

‘Alright then’ said Tony ‘asylum seekers. I could …’

‘But Scott Morrison’s doing such a great job’ said Joe

‘Come on you guys’ said Tony ‘help me out here. What about climate change? I need to exploit the rise in my approval ratings’

‘That’s the whole point’ said Julie ‘when you don’t say anything your approval rating always goes up. It only goes down when you start opening your mouth’

‘That’s ridiculous’ said Tony ‘John Howard thinks I’m the most inspirational Liberal leader since Malcolm and I really scored some goals during the last election’

‘That’s true’ said Joe ‘but that was because you weren’t your normal, insensitive, boorish, politically incorrect self. You were successful because the real Julia came out of the closet but we made sure the real Tony didn’t’

‘The trouble is’ said Julie ‘you don’t really appeal to women, young people, republicans, union members or non-Catholics. Joe and I believe you need to develop more of an image as a strong silent type’

‘If you keep quiet’ said Joe ‘you’ll deprive Labor of their strongest political argument which is depicting you as a right-wing work choices ratbag’

‘Well how should I operate?’ asked Tony

‘Simple’ said Julie ‘you put everything in writing so you don’t say anything stupid and people can believe you’re telling the truth’

‘Look’ said Tony ‘can’t I even give speeches on disasters like the BER and Wayne’s surplus?’

‘That’s ok’ said Joe ‘because no-one can argue with you. And you could also project your human side by talking about how you used to flirt with Julia’

‘I can’t start talking about my past mistakes’ said Tony ‘because Sex and the City have bought the rights for their next series’