Yap No: 19

I was stretching out in my kennel reading the Washington Post when the phone rang. I was expecting a call from Big O because I knew the trip to Asia would be a challenge and the advisers he had taken with him were more asinine than canine.

‘Hi Big O’ I said ‘I hope you’re having a great time in the wild East playing cowboys and Indians’

‘Very funny Bo’ said Big O ‘actually I’m having a great time in India but the culture’s a bit strange. Everyone’s nuts about cricket’

‘I know’ I said ‘You must be finding it very difficult to get to first base’

‘When I told the Indian prime minister he’d hit a home run’ said Big O ‘he asked if I meant a six. I’m getting very confused here. Can you help?’

‘My advice’ I said ‘is to speak to the most powerful man in India’

‘You mean the president?’ asked Big O

‘No’ I said ‘I mean Sachin Tendulkar the Little Master. He’s made more runs than any batsman in cricket history’

‘Jeepers’ said Big O ‘perhaps it would be better if I just struck out on all this’

‘On the contrary’ I said ‘the Indians will be impressed if you step up to the crease and go beyond the boundaries’

‘Does that mean I should step up to the plate?’ asked Big O

‘Well it does’ I said ‘but not in India. You should ask Sachin about how you can get some runs on the board’

‘There’s no need’ said Big O ‘I’ve already managed that. It must have been all those curries. I’m worried about what language to use on the Indonesian leg of my trip because they don’t play cricket over there’

‘That’s true’ I said ‘and furthermore while the Australian and England teams are chasing the Ashes in Australia you’ve got to avoid them at all costs in Indonesia. The source of the cricket Ashes was Britannic but in Indonesia it’s volcanic’

‘While I’m in Indonesia’ said Big O ‘I’d like to visit the Muslim school I attended as a kid’

‘Be careful’ I said ‘it would look better back here if you dressed up for the visit as Father Christmas’

‘I’m been warned’ said Big O ‘that I could be on a sticky wicket in Indonesia’

‘By George I think you’ve got it’ I said ‘If things get really rough there you can always get on an asylum seeker boat headed for Australia. You’ll probably find it’s packed with unsuccessful Democrats candidates from the mid-term elections’

‘Thanks for you help Bo’ said Big O ‘now I’m off to kick a few goals with the Indian prime minister’

‘No, no’ I said ‘On second thoughts you’d better let everything go through to the keeper’