Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was well positioned on a wall in Melbourne to overhear a discussion between Hillary Clinton and Tim Mathieson. Here is his exclusive report on the fascinating exchange.

‘Very pleased to meet you Madam Secretary’ said Tim

‘Oh please’ said Hillary ‘call me Hillary. I used to be the First Lady so I know what its like to be the first bloke’

Photo by Andrew Brownbill- Pool/Getty Images

‘I’m getting used to it’ said Tim ‘but there’s so many new protocols I have to follow. I seem to spend my whole life trailing two steps behind Julia. I don’t know whether to stare at her backside or bite her ankles’

‘Do you take an interest in international affairs?’ asked Hillary

‘Oh yes’ said Tim ‘only last week I was involved in an intense discussion on whether England are still a force on the international stage’

‘Was this with Julia’s advisers?’ asked Hillary

‘No’ said Tim ‘it was about the match at Twickenham with my mates at the pub. How did you like New Zealand?’

‘It was delightful’ said Hillary ‘but I’ve never in my life been that close to so many snotty noses’

‘How do you get on with Kevin?’ asked Tim

‘Oh very well’ said Hillary ‘but I’ve only met him a few times’

‘That explains it’ said Tim ‘anyone who knows him well thinks he’s an absolute goose’

‘Really’ said Hillary ‘what does Julia think of him’

‘Not much’ said Tim ‘although since she stabbed him things have settled down a bit. Julia’s agreed not to stab him again if he stays abroad most of the time and doesn’t leak to the media about how she stuffed the BER’

‘I must say’ said Hillary ‘that when Kevin told me in the US he was going to show me a good time in Australia it almost put me off coming. Are you and Julia thinking of getting married?’

‘Not at the moment’ said Tim ‘she’s so terribly busy and I have pub lunches with my mates three days a week. By the way your hair looks lovely if I may say so. I’m a bit of an expert on the subject you know’

‘Why thank you’ said Hillary

‘Tell you what’ said Tim ‘I’ll send you some samples of my haircare range which will make your hair look twenty years younger’

‘No kidding’ said Hillary ‘but I’d better not try them. If I start looking more attractive than Bill’s girlfriends it will only complicate things’

‘If you’d been elected president’ asked Tim ‘would Bill have become the First Bloke?’

‘Absolutely’ said Hillary ‘and he’d have done a better job than Michelle Obama’

‘That’s funny’ said Tim ‘I thought Oprah Winfrey was First Lady’