DickyLeaks

global defense of sources and press freedoms, circa now -

Forever vigilant in our quest to preserve freedom of speech and your right to know Friday Mash has created DickyLeaks because we don’t know what else to do with all the secret government communications that are floating around. This one’s just come in.

INCREDIBLY SECRET
To: Hillary
From: US Embassy in Canberra, Australia

Monthly Situation Report, Australia

You’re not going to believe what’s going on here.

The Australian; government is spending as much on a national broadband network as it would cost us to send Sarah Palin to Mars; and they’re not getting anything like the same value.

And you’ll never guess who’s in charge of this huge new monopoly; Stephen Conroy and Julia. They’ve got about as much idea of running a business as Ahmadinejad has of running a carol concert.

It is recommended that as a humanitarian gesture we immediately place a trainwreck emergency response team on stand-by.

You will recall we once described Kevin as a ‘mistake-prone control freak’. Following revelations in Wikileaks that he was proposing a war with China we have upgraded that description to ‘weasly, warmongering, power-crazy, mistake-prone control freak’.

We’re totally baffled by Julia’s asylum seeker policies. On the one hand she’s opening enough asylum seeker centres in Australia to accommodate Oprah’s fan club and on the other she’s trying to get Indonesia on board for a regional asylum seeker centre in East Timor.

She’s got buckleys. Within a decade people smuggling to Australia will be the biggest contributor to the Indonesian economy.

Is the CIA aware that Mark Arbib is spying for us down here? He keeps popping into the embassy in disguise with all sorts of useless information.

It’s true that he gave us the inside story on Kevin’s assassination but that was because he was one of the assassins. We should be careful though. This is like being briefed by Osama bin Laden on Al Qaeda terror attacks.

Australia is being thrashed by England at cricket. To put this in perspective, describing it as a national tragedy is like saying that George W Bush caused a minor disruption in Iraq.

There is some uncertainty about who is running Australia this week. Julia’s on holiday and nominally Wayne’s in charge but nobody takes that seriously. It’s a toss-up between Bob Brown, Rob Oakeshott and Oprah. If she gets Mark Arbib onside Oprah is a shoo-in.

The Australian economy is still much stronger than other western economies. It all goes to show that if they can ship enough iron ore to China the economy would boom even if Barnaby Joyce were Treasurer.

As for Wayne Swan his future is still in the balance. It all depends on whether he can hang on to a surplus in 2013 and at the moment it’s difficult to tell whether it’s more likely to go down the mine or the toilet.

Tony Abbott seems to have the formula for what it takes to be a successful politician these days. Keep your mouth shut and send Julian Assange a Christmas card.