Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on the wall of a Canberra coffee shop when Mark Arbib met clandestinely with Mitch from the US Embassy to brief him about plans to stab Kevin. Here is his exclusive undercover report

‘Oh hi there Mark’ said Mitch ‘I got your invitation to meet here today over a week ago but it’s taken almost that long to decode it. Why didn’t you just ring?’

‘It’s about a matter of the utmost secrecy’ said Mark

‘And is that why you’re wearing sunglasses and a false beard?’ asked Mitch

‘What I am abut to tell you’ said Mark ‘must not be revealed to anyone without a top security clearance or to Julian Assange’s mother’

‘Sure’ said Mitch ‘but let’s get things clear. Are you moonlighting for ASIO or doing casual work for the CIA?’

‘Neither’ said Mark ‘this is strictly freelance. I’m doing it because the NSW Right is in imminent danger of collapse and I’ll probably need to seek sanctuary in the US’

‘Ok’ said Mitch ‘what’s going down?’

‘Kevin’ said Mark ‘is about to get knifed’

‘Holy guacamole’ said Mitch ‘you mean he’s about to be kicked out of his job. How’s that going to happen? Is Mark Latham leading a revolution?’

‘No’ said Mark ‘Julia, Bill Shorten and I have hatched a cunning plot to replace him with Julia’

‘Well set fire to my ass and call me a carbon emission’ said Mitch ‘Obama’s going to be shocked by this. He and Kevin are buddies’

‘I know’ said Mark ‘I think he’s the only one Kevin’s got left. But we can’t carry on like this. Kevin’s a control freak who’s stuffed the ETS, buried the mining tax and now the Tamal Tigers are planning to annexe Christmas Island’

‘When is the dirty deed going to happen?’ asked Mark

‘Next week’ said Mark ‘and that’s not soon enough. Yesterday I tried to book an appointment with Kevin and was told he couldn’t see me before Easter 2012’

‘Who is actually going to do the stabbing?’ asked Mitch

‘Well’ said Mark ‘Bill Shorten and I have sharpened the blade but Julia will actually plunge it in’

‘Isn’t there anybody left in the parliamentary party who supports Kevin?’ asked Mitch

‘One or two’ said Mark ‘but Kevin controls them so tightly that I suspect they’ve had chips inserted’

‘What do you want me to do with this information’ asked Mitch

‘The first priority’ said Mark ‘is to deter Obama from sending in drones to protect his mate. You can reassure him it’s a strictly democratic process Labor Party style’

‘Thanks a million for this Mark’ said Mitch ‘anything else I can do for you?’

‘Yes’ said Mark ‘you must not let my identity be revealed to anyone’

‘Right’ said Mitch ‘then let me adjust your beard because it’s about fall off’