This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on an office wall in Canberra when Julia was persuading Nick Xenophon to vote for the bill to tear up Telstra. Here is his quite extraordinary report.

‘Now Nick’ said Julia ‘I want your support for the bill to separate Telstra’s wholesale and retail operations which will help me tackle the greatest moral challenge of our generation, the national broadband network’

‘But I thought that was climate change’ said Nick

‘So did I’ said Julia ‘but that was before I realised that Kevin had loose morals. I need you to help me thwart that rapacious wrecker Tony’

‘The problem is’ said Nick ‘that I haven’t seen the business plan. I could be voting for an even bigger waste of money than the campaign to convince working families that Kevin really cared about them’

‘Look’ said Julia ‘you can see the NBN business plan as long as you promise to tell Tony and Malcolm that it’s a bigger licence to print money than building COLAs for schools and that it’s the best news for Australia since I failed to get Rob Oakeshott appointed as Speaker’

‘But Julia’ said Nick ‘I’m an independent so naturally I’ll give them an independent opinion’

‘Sorry’ said Julia ‘I can’t afford to have that happen. Those wreckers will find the holes in it and sabotage my plan to bring high-speed broadband to all Australian homes except those owned by Christopher Pyne and Barnaby Joyce’

‘I’m worried you’re creating a monopoly’ said Nick ‘You’re simply getting rid of the Telstra monopoly and replacing it with the NBN monopoly’

‘I know’ said Julia ‘that’s why I can’t allow a cost benefit analysis because the only beneficiary is the government’

‘You can’t seriously expect me to vote for this bill’ said Nick ‘It would be like voting for gay marriage without doing a cost benefit analysis on Bob Brown’

‘Let’s think Nick’ said Julia ‘I might be able to offer you some very attractive concessions. If you vote for the bill I could wear Greek national costume at the next G20 meeting’

‘I was thinking more in terms of an NBN oversight committee’ said Nick

‘Great idea’ said Julia ‘as long as it’s stacked with Labor MPs. The Coalition are just a bunch of wreckers. The only way they’re capable of contributing to the NBN is by taking all the blame if it becomes a trainwreck’

‘The business plan is still a sticking point’ said Nick ‘I can’t in all conscience vote for a bill which for all I know could be enabling the country’s biggest ever financial disaster’

‘Ok then’ said Julia ‘what I’ll do is release a summary of the NBN business plan which will give you an excuse to vote for the bill but contains none of the critical stuff which Tony and Malcolm need to wreck it. Anything else?’

‘Yes’ said Nick ‘I should like you to make it clear that I’m a true independent and not one of the stooges being blamed for making you prime minister’