Yap No 41

‘Look Bo’ said Big O last week ‘I desperately need your help. I’m committed to produce a jobs plan in September and I haven’t got the faintest idea where to start’

‘Big O’ I said sternly ‘I’ve warned you about this before. You’re not good at jobs. You’re mad to get involved in things which are outside your main areas of expertise’

‘But what else could I do?’ asked Big O ‘the stimulus didn’t work, the economy’s in the toilet and if things don’t change I’ll soon be leaving the White House to join you in the doghouse’

‘Ok’ I said ‘let’s take a calm considered look at the state of the economy. The banks aren’t lending, there’s no investment, consumers aren’t spending and the stock market is sinking faster than your approval rating. You’ve got no hope of creating jobs in the business sector unless you pay companies to employ people’

‘I can’t do that’ said Big O ‘I’m a socialist. What are the alternatives? How about increasing the number of politicians?’

‘That wouldn’t work’ I said ‘because most of them would be Republicans’

‘I have this great idea based on my experiences as a community organiser’ said Big O ‘establish community centres staffed with trained specialists committed to assisting the folks with their emotional and physical needs’

‘That’s already happening’ I said ‘they’re called brothels. Look here’s the problem. There just isn’t enough work to go round so what you’ve got to do is forget about increasing employment and concentrate on decreasing unemployment’

‘That sounds interesting Bo’ said Big O ‘what do you have in mind?’

‘The problem is’ I said ‘there’s a stigma attached to the term ‘unemployed’. If we could think of other terms to refer to the unemployed perhaps people wouldn’t be put off the idea so much’

‘Ok’ said Big O ‘give me some examples’

‘The concept is still at an exploratory stage’ I said ‘but I’m already thinking along the lines of ‘time and motionless managers’, ‘sloth supervisors’ and ‘casual sex wholesalers’

‘Brilliant’ said Big O ‘I’m thinking of putting the unemployed to work building windmills’

‘That’s one way of creating enough jobs to go round’ I said ‘Look I know, why not take a break at Martha’s Vineyard to think all these ideas through?’

‘But won’t everybody criticise me’ asked Big O ‘for taking a break in a billionaires’ playground while the rest of the country is drowning in debt?

‘Of course’ I said ‘but they can’t expect you to take a vacation in Cleveland, there’s a good chance that if you stop stuffing around with the economy for a week or two it will improve and if the country goes bust while you’re away the chances are there’ll be a billionaire around to lend you the money to get home’

‘That’s very reassuring Bo’ said Big O ‘I’m now confident I can come up with a plan focused on creating millions of jobs’

‘Let’s be clear’ I said ‘the main focus of your plan must be keeping your own’