Yap No 27

‘Do you think anybody noticed that I didn’t say much about unemployment and the deficit in the State of the Union Address?’ asked Big O

We were having a casual debriefing session as we strolled round the White House lawns.

‘That’s not a big deal’ I said ‘it’s whether you do anything about them that counts’

‘I see’ said Big O ‘I rather thought that a mention in SOTU might give the folks sufficient reassurance. Besides if I try to actually do something the Republicans will block it in the House of Reps’

‘Big O’ I said sternly ‘you’re forgetting our cunning plan. We agreed that you should start being nice to Republicans so they’ll agree to pass some of your legislation so you can claim to have unified Congress and get re-elected in 2012’

‘Oh sorry Bo’ said Big O ‘I forgot’

‘That’s ok’ I said ‘The first priority is to do something about unemployment. If we can fix that the deficit will come down’

‘Agreed’ said Big O ‘what are you thinking?’

‘Here’s the scenario’ I said ‘Nine point four percent of the US work force is unemployed, that’s around fourteen and a half million people give or take. The average weekly income in the US is $750. The government should immediately give them all a job at that income level’

‘Jeepers Bo’ said Big O ‘I think you’ve had a brain malfunction’

‘Hear me out’ I said ‘The annual wages bill from employing fourteen and a half million people at $750 a week is $56.7 billion and that’s a lot less than the trillions you’re currently splashing out’

‘Interesting’ said Big O

‘What’s more’ I said ‘think of all the unemployment benefits you’d save’

‘Ok’ said Big O ‘you may be on to something here. But here’s the kicker, what useful employment can we find for fourteen and a half million?’

‘There’s loads of opportunity for us to provide fulfilling careers’ I replied ‘for a start there’s a crying need for guide people for blind dogs’

‘Good thinking Bo’ said Big O ‘and we could assign a million or two of them to watch MSNBC and listen to National Public Radio. There’s got to be some way to raise the left-wing media ratings’

‘I’m excited at the prospect of a million of them swimming round the Gulf of Mexico with their mouths open’ I said ‘to clean up the last of the BP oil spill’

‘What if we shipped them all down south’ asked Big O ‘to take over the jobs currently being done by Hispanic illegals?’

‘Good idea’ I said ‘but Mexico’s economy would collapse and it would cost us a motza to bail them out’

‘I’ve got it’ said Big O ‘we could use them as a security screen to seal off Washington and prevent Sarah Palin getting in’

‘I quite like the idea’ I said ‘of using them to improve the country’s image amongst foreigners. We could locate a one hundred thousand cheer squad at every airport to greet international visitors when they get off the plane. Tourists would come to America just to get a big cheer’

‘Brilliant thinking’ said Big O ‘as long as they don’t cheer Ahmadinejad, Karzai and Netanyahu. And it would be a great idea to have two hundred and fifty thousand cheering every time I return home from overseas’

‘That’s all settled then’ I said ‘Full employment will give such a boost to your presidency’

‘Wait a minute’ said Big O ‘I’ve just thought of something. Consistent with my new healthcare legislation I’d feel obligated to supply the whole fourteen and a half million with free health insurance and guess what, I just can’t afford it’