Yap No 31

‘What are we going to do about Gaddafi?’ asked Big O at our foreign affairs review meeting last week

‘Shoot him’ I said

‘We can’t do that’ exclaimed Big O ‘I’d have to send back my Nobel Peace Prize’

‘Well’ I said ‘let’s be clear about what we’re into here. Our mission is to stop Gaddafi knocking off civilians so obviously the best solution is to fire a rocket propelled grenade right up his wind generator’

‘I could only do that’ said Big O ‘if I’ve got an alternative power source ready’

‘Don’t worry about that’ I said ‘If you gun Gaddafi you could be the first person ever to win both the Nobel Peace Prize and the Nobel War Prize. What worries me is that just when the rebels are in desperate need of support we’re pulling all our firepower out of Libya’

‘Look Bo’ said Big O ‘the truth is we’ve already spent all the cash I earmarked for fighting Gaddafi. We can’t afford even one more bomb until the budget is sorted out’

‘But NATO doesn’t have the same firepower as us’ I said ‘It’s like expecting the Redskins to win the Superbowl. Civilians in Libya are under even greater threat than Republicans in San Francisco’

‘We’ve still got CIA operatives on the ground’ said Big O

‘Really’ I said ‘that’s very interesting. What are they doing?’

‘They’re checking whether the rebels are a branch of Al Qaeda’ said Big O

‘And what happens’ I asked ‘if that’s exactly what they turn out to be?’

‘Well that gives me some interesting options’ said Big O ‘I can accuse NATO of being Al Qaeda sympathisers, I can help Gaddafi fight terrorism or I can help Osama Bin Laden take out the guy responsible for terrorist atrocities’

‘Fascinating’ I said ‘which option do you favour?’

‘I’m leaning towards Gaddafi’ said Big O ‘because I think my style of negotiation is better suited to a tent than a cave. But above all we have to avoid a mission creep in Libya’

‘I agree’ I said ‘I think it would be a huge mistake to send Jimmy Carter over there’

‘My number one strategic option’ said Big O ‘is to take no further part in the conflict, wait for Gaddafi’s government to disintegrate and desert him and then claim all the credit when we win’

‘Good thinking’ I said ‘maybe we should offer his ministers an incentive to get out’

‘What did you have in mind?’ asked Big O

‘You could offer them a position on your 2012 re-election committee’ I said ‘If they’ve kept Gaddafi in power for forty-odd years they could surely fix another four for you’