This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to a luxury penthouse suite in Jakarta to listen in on a special meeting of the people smugglers corporate policy committee. Here is his exclusive report on their deliberations.

‘Business is going well’ said Kris ‘we are shipping record numbers of asylum seekers to Australia’

‘I’m surprised the Australian Government are being so co-operative’ said Andi ‘they’re opening new asylum seeker centres faster than we can fill them up’

‘The quality of accommodation isn’t all that good’ said Gus ‘It doesn’t help our business to hear about all those complaints’

‘I can’t understand’ said Kris ‘why so far this year the Australian immigration authorities have only deported thirty-eight asylum seekers. We’ve taken over a lot more dodgy ones than that and we depend on deportation for repeat business’

‘Do you think there’s any chance of the East Timor centre ever happening?’ asked Andi

‘Never’ said Kris ‘I’ve been over there to advise the government against the idea. I’ve told them it’s bad enough having a constant influx of asylum seekers rioting all the time but now the Australian judiciary think there’s a chance that they could appeal against deportation from East Timor just like they do from Australia so they’ll be stuck with them for years.

‘Great job’ said Gus ‘An East Timor centre would mean the end of our humanitarian work. We’d have to become criminals again’

‘You’d think Julia would understand’ said Kris ‘that if we were allowed to do return trips we could recruit more competent boat crews who are too intelligent to work for us on our current employment terms of three years in the slammer after each trip’

‘There’s no chance that Tony Abbott will get into power anytime soon is there?’ asked Gus ‘Nauru’s another no-no for us’

‘That’s a worry’ admitted Kris ‘but I’ve written to Bob Brown offering to open a people smuggler branch of the Greens Party and to advise him on how to achieve his policy of drastically increasing asylum seeker intake’

‘What worries me’ said Andi ‘is that there are still more asylum seekers arriving in Australia through the official UNHCR programme than on our boats. Our aim must be to persuade all the people waiting in those camps in Sri Lanka and Afghanistan that they can get to Australia much quicker with us’

‘Good thinking’ said Kris ‘I’ve been negotiating to charter the Queen Mary for an asylum seeker voyage from Colombo to Sydney. The potential is enormous. We could handle five thousand asylum seekers at a time’

‘The problem is’ said Gus ‘Julia couldn’t keep up with the accommodation. She’s still opening centres with a capacity of just a few hundred’

‘Yes that’s disappointing’ said Kris ‘How many could that centre on Nauru hold?’

‘They claim’ said Andi ‘it could hold up to six thousand’

‘Change of plan’ said Kris ‘the Queen Mary should be able to dock at Nauru. I’ll tell Bob Brown to get stuffed and send a campaign contribution to Tony Abbott’