Yap No 29

‘Republicans are such a soulless lot’ said Big O during our weekly policy review meeting. ‘They’re trying to make me cut spending right down to the bone’

‘Well that’s ok’ I said ‘just as long as you can still afford the bone’

‘Now they’re trying to cut back on workers’ health and pension entitlements’ said Big O ‘I’ve got more trouble in the Middle West than in the Middle East’

‘That reminds me’ I said ‘you haven’t taken me for a check-up at the vet’s recently and you haven’t yet come up with my stud retirement plan. If you don’t meet these reasonable demands soon you could face industrial action’

‘These are tough times Bo’ said Big O ‘I can’t go splashing money around just because the secretary of the National Canine Union tries to put the bite on me. Have you given any more thought to the future of Guantanamo Bay?’

‘I’ve accorded it considerable attention’ I replied ‘First of all, I believe your plan to release all inmates on a good behaviour bond would be a worse disaster than releasing Bernie Madoff to run a bank’

‘Ok Bo’ said Big O ‘but I have to take steps to cover the expense of running Gitmo and convert it into a nice little earner. I’ve been forced to keep the place open and it’s costing a fortune’

‘I’ve got a grand plan’ I said

‘I knew you would’ said Big O

‘I recommend’ I said ‘converting part of it into a retirement village for ex-presidents and prime ministers. There’s a rapidly increasing number of them round the world today who can’t find suitable employment and are making an absolute nuisance of themselves’

‘Very interesting’ said Big O ‘who do you have in mind?’

‘Well’ I said ‘there’s Mubarak, that Tunisian guy, Jimmy Carter, Castro who is just down the road, the Bushes, Gordon Brown, Tony Blair, Bill Clinton, John Howard and thousands more. It could build a reputation as a humanitarian centre because the current practice in Africa and South America is to shoot their ex-leaders’

‘What about Berlusconi’ asked Big O

‘It looks like he’ll be eligible soon’ I said ‘and also Gaddafi. What I had in mind was forming the group into a global think tank. This would keep them occupied and out of trouble and from time to time they could publish learned papers on world affairs which no-one would give a fourpenny fart about’

‘Do you think Gitmo’s a suitable location?’ asked Big O

‘Sure’ I said ‘it’s got great weather, lovely beaches and there’s an army camp next door if they try to escape’

‘So how will I make big dollars out of the project?’ asked Big O

‘Easy’ I replied ‘We’ll charge countries big bucks to take their ex-presidents and prime ministers off their hands. They’re such an awful nuisance that their countries will pay anything to get rid of them. Then we’ll get huge payoffs by selling the rights to the Gitmo Big Brother TV show’

‘Hold on a minute Bo’ said Big O ‘I could be sent there one day’

‘I know’ I said ‘but I’ll ensure you don’t have much contact with the terrorists and go to all of Berlusconi’s bunga bunga parties.