Yap No: 24

‘Jeez Big O, you really kicked some goals in December’ I said ‘That makes you one of the most successful lame ducks in history’

‘I was pretty amazed myself’ said Big O ‘I never dreamt I would become so popular by extending George W’s tax cuts and applying Ask and Tell to gays in the military’

‘Incredible’ I said ‘You’ll create an entirely new type of army camp’

‘You’ll be interested to hear’ said Big O ‘that I’ve applied the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell concept to my healthcare legislation’

‘There’s one thing I’ve been meaning to talk to you about’ I said ‘your support team. I’m worried that they’re not going to measure up in 2011’

‘What do you mean?’ asked Big O

‘Well’ I said take Nancy Pelosi. She’s going to be even more bitter and twisted now she’s lost the Speaker’s gig. And just one bite from the Viperwoman can be fatal. The only known antidote is a Palin tea-bag poultice’

‘That’s serious’ said Big O ‘what do you recommend?’

‘We need to bring out her feminine side’ I said ‘I recommend you put her on a Madam Lash bondage training programme. That should soften her up a bit. And then there’s Harry Reid’

‘What’s wrong with him?’ asked Big O

‘Nothing’ I said ‘apart from the fact that Hollywood tried to cast him in a leading role for their new zombie film. We need to convince people that he’s actually alive’

‘The report from his latest physical didn’t indicate he needed life support’ said Big O

‘No, it’s not that’ I said ‘he’s short on charisma and color. He needs a bit of life intravenously injected. Tell you what I’ll do. I’ll start a fan club on line called Harry’s Hotties and I’ll make up letters from girls who claim they’ve studied him from cover to cover and rate him a good Reid’

‘I can rely on Hillary’ said Big O

‘Perhaps’ I said ‘but there’s still a chance she’ll challenge you in 2012 so we need to keep her under control. I’ll get Julian to release a Wikileak revealing that Monica Lewinski was actually a private eye hired by Hillary to check on Bill and then you could make her president of American Samoa.

‘After she hears that’ said Big O ‘she’ll need something to calm her down’

‘You’re right’ I said ‘I’ll arrange for the Tea Party to send a pot of their finest brew laced with sweetness and lite and the milk of human kindness’

‘There’s nothing wrong with Joe’ said Big O

‘Of course not’ I said ‘but I’m becoming ever more convinced that he’s taking vice-presidential lessons from Dan Quayle’

‘I’m very fortunate’ said Big O ‘to have such a talented team of senior advisers including yourself’

‘I appreciate that’ I said ‘but you have to understand that there’s ruthless competition between your senior advisers. It’s a dog eat dog situation. And David Axelrod better watch out because I’m feeling rather peckish’