Yap No. 14

‘Ok’ said Big O ‘its time for your debriefing session’

I had been on a mission under deep cover. Big O had decided he wanted to know more about the Tea party so he sent me together with a member of his security team to attend one of their rallies.

‘By the way’ said Big O ‘I appreciate that a certain amount of disguise was appropriate but I think it was a bit over the top to carry a banner which read ‘Change we can believe in. Kick Obama out’

‘It’s all very well for you to say that’ I said ‘but just think what could have happened if we’d been unmasked. You’d have been kicked out for sure and my career as a presidential adviser would have descended the toilet. And it wasn’t easy disguising myself as a great Dane. You should try walking on four stilts for five hours’

‘Alright’ said Big O ‘what are your main conclusions?’

‘Well’ I said ‘the Tea Party thinks you are big government, big spending leftie with economic values similar to Bernie Madoff’

‘They can’t be serious’ said Big O ‘these people must be absolutely raving ratbags’

‘A few are’ I said ‘but generally speaking they’re just good, honest, totally misguided people who think that Sarah Palin is a cross between Mother Theresa and Ronald Reagan’

‘Good heavens’ said Big O ‘it’s more serious than I thought. I was under the impression they are all religious, racist, reactionary extremists’

‘No they’re pretty much normal everyday folks’ I said ‘who are convinced you’re following the economic policies of Greece’

‘What have I got to do to persuade them to vote Democrat?’ asked Big O

‘You could act like George W Bush’ I said casually

‘No chance’ said Big O ‘that would be as disastrous as restarting the BP oil spill’

‘Ok then’ I said ‘you could get the economy into surplus, find jobs for the unemployed, fire Nancy Pelosi, cancel your healthcare plan, seal the southern border, stop the stimulus spending, cut taxes, cut spending, fire half the government and recommend Sarah Palin for sainthood’

‘But that would mean the end of my presidency’ said Big O

‘Precisely’ I said

‘Oh dear Bo’ said Big O ‘I can’t seem to get through to these people whatever I do. And no matter how boneheaded they are all their candidates are threatening to win seats from Democrats at the mid-term elections. Even a dog could get elected with their support’

‘Hey wait a minute’ I said ‘don’t forget there’s quite a few dogs in Congress already. I’m ready to stand for the Democratic Party any time and I guarantee my animal magnetism would attract the donkey vote’

‘I know what to do’ said Big O ‘We have to discredit the Tea Party’s figurehead Sarah Palin. We should start a campaign claiming she’s a brainless, bigoted, boofheaded, bisexual version of George W Bush’

‘We’ve already tried that’ I said ‘and it didn’t work’