Yap No: 21

‘According to the news’ I said ‘there’s certainly some fun and games going on at the airports’

It had suddenly become obligatory before boarding a plane in the US that you either submit yourself to a sexual assault or a full body exposure. This is all part of making you feel safe.

‘I know’ said Big O ‘it’s a real worry. On the one hand people want to be safe from the threat of terrorism but on the other they want to feel safe from the threat of TSA personnel at airports’

‘That’s right’ I said ‘and what will happen when a terrorist gets on a plane with a bomb up his backside? You won’t be allowed on a plane without unless you’ve had an enema’

‘It’s a very difficult balance’ said Big O ‘It seems to be a question of whether passengers should be blown up or touched up’

‘I’m worried about what sort of people are being recruited by the TSA for this work’ I said ‘I’ll bet most of them doing the patting down are congenital gropers’

‘I’m thinking that we might be able to make the process more acceptable by making it multi-functional’ said Big O ‘For example the people patting down could also be taking inside leg measurements’

‘And I suppose’ I said sarcastically’ some of the scans could be sold for centrefolds. Actually I was just considering the impact these new measures will have on dogs because we travel on planes as well you know’

‘That’s an interesting point’ mused Big O

‘If people boarded plans dressed like dogs’ I said ‘there wouldn’t be all these problems. Dogs travel naked so why can’t people?’

‘There’s a difference’ said Big O ‘you don’t have your human dignity to protect’

‘The terrorists will be thinking this is a real hoot’ I said ‘They must be busting themselves to find new ways to infuriate people at airports. Next thing you know they’ll invent an explosive urine and if you don’t pee explosive-free wee in a bucket before you get on a plane you won’t be allowed to pee while you’re on it’

‘Well Bo’ said Big O ‘what’s the answer to all this?’

‘Simple’ I said ‘before boarding a plane all passengers have to pass through a TSA explosive detection screening. Anyone carrying explosives will automatically blow up’

‘Great idea’ said Big O ‘and what’s more they won’t get a ticket refund’

‘And they won’t have to suffer the indignity of being groped to death’ I said

‘That’s brilliant Bo’ said Big O ‘Thanks to you air travellers will appreciate being spared further embarrassment and humiliation’

‘Well not all of them’ I said ‘I know a couple of women who spend all day going through airport security but never getting on a plane. They say it’s a lot cheaper than paying for a masseur and just as stimulating’