As Iowans bravely faced the awful realisation that one of the Republican candidates in the primaries could become the US President the threat of widespread electoral brain damage became all too apparent.

Consequently Friday Mash despatched their world best practice emergency services team to the state ready to contain any outbreak of brain threatening disorders.

Our correspondents were on the scene as well once again displaying an innate ability to get the stories everyone else seems to miss. Here is a summary of their latest communiques.

No-one can quite understand how Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses. Young people don’t like him, evangelists think he’s a Moron and social conservatives think he’s an unsociable progressive. The Republican Party can’t stand him either and is desperately seeking out the fool who allowed him to join.

Mitt however has one highly attractive quality, he’s the right stuff to beat Obama. He has actually managed something which made a profit.

The Iowa campaign has been marked by surging. The first candidate with the urge to surge was Michele Bachmann but she was soon rounded up by the sheriff from Texas who was on the sort of powerful surge caused only be eating a whole heap of Jalapeno peppers.

A Cain surge began to emerge only to be submerged by a purge from girlfriends who’d re-emerged.

Newt Gingrich produced a most impressive surge which was only brought to a halt by the overwhelming burden of excess baggage he was carrying.

The only possible explanation for the Santorum surge was desperation from the people who can’t stand Romney or Paul and were frustrated that previous surges had as much staying power as a drunk on a tightrope.

Ron Paul is probably too old for surging and his chances are handicapped through not being able to attract enough young supporters seeking a grandfather figure. The Republican Party is trying to persuade him to seek the Democratic nomination instead.

Jon Huntsman’s chances of becoming US president are about as good as Pte Manning’s of becoming head of US government security.

Now the campaign enters a time of intriguing uncertainty. Republicans are praying that Palin and Trump won’t make last minute bids. That could make the campaign so far seem quite sensible. Will the Santorum surge turn out to be like another giant fart before the odour becomes apparent? Will Newt take the gloves off and reveal that his hands are every bit as dirty as everyone suspected?

These and other fascinating questions unfortunately won’t be answered for months. During this time of great mental confusion and stress if any members of the public suspect it is causing them disorders like brain erosion or going absolutely barking they should phone the Friday Mash emergency services team as soon as possible.