Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall last week in a parliament house conference room for a meeting of the climate change committee comprising Julia, Wayne, Bob Brown, Christine Milne, Greg Combet, Tony Windsor and Rob Oakeshott. He’s just buzzed in with his exclusive report.

‘I call the committee to order’ said Julia ‘and ask the Climate Change minister to address the first item on the agenda, solar powered coal’

‘Stuff the agenda’ said Bob ‘Christine and I insist that the first subject to be discussed is the overwhelming urgency to introduce a carbon tax and an ETS’

‘I absolutely agree’ said Christine ‘because it was my idea he said that’

‘I’m ready to sign anything’ said Rob

‘Hold on’ said Julia ‘I promised all Australians I would not introduce a carbon tax before 2013’

‘I know’ said Bob ‘but that was before you were forced to let the Greens take charge of climate change policy’

‘I’m the climate change minister’ said Greg

‘Well even we had to agree to one or two concessions’ said Christine. ‘I vote to introduce a $50 per ton carbon tax next week and an ETS the week after’

‘We can’t do that’ said Wayne ‘when the Coalition accused us of having a secret carbon tax agenda I called it hysterical nonsense’

‘Good heavens’ said Tony ‘they were right for once’

‘We got elected’ said Julia ‘on the basis of my promise not to introduce a carbon tax’

‘But you got into government’ said Bob ‘because you did a deal with the Greens’

‘I absolutely agree Bob’ said Christine ‘in fact I now propose we should introduce a $60 per ton carbon tax tomorrow including agriculture and petrol and no compensations for anyone except asylum seekers and an ETS the day after’

‘I’m ready to sign’ said Rob

‘Wait a minute’ said Julia ‘I’ve got my integrity to think about. If I’m going to look like a liar I’ll need a better reason’

‘Ok then’ said Bob ‘if you don’t agree to a carbon tax the Greens will immediately withdraw support from the government and you’ll go down the gurgler’

‘That’s a better reason’ said Julia

‘That’s political blackmail’ said Greg ‘and I speak with the authority of being Bob Hawke’s choice as the next prime minister’

‘He was pissed on red wine at the time’ said Julia ‘ So Bob what are you proposing?’

‘A $50 per ton carbon tax from July’ said Bob ‘applying to absolutely everything and an ETS to follow in January’

‘And no exemptions for business’ said Christine ‘We’re here to clean up the planet not the shiny fat arses in boardrooms’

‘We don’t have boardrooms in Tamworth’ said Tony ‘and there’ll be a carbon tax on agriculture over Rob’s dead body’

‘I’ll sign off on that’ said Rob

‘Ok’ said Julia ‘I’m prepared to sacrifice my integrity to save Australia from Tony Abbott. Here’s what I’ll cop. I’ll announce a price on carbon not a tax from July 2012. Then we can fight about the details and I’ll say we’ll introduce an ETS sometime vaguely in the future so as not to get Kevin and Penny too excited’

‘Where do I sign?’ asked Rob

‘It’s a total sell out’ said Bob

‘I’m leaving to start a people’s revolt’ said Christine

‘If you quit’ said Julia ‘I’ll claim it was you who wrecked the plans for a carbon tax. If I’ve lied once there’s no harm in doing it again’

‘I’m not agreeing to anything’ said Tony

‘I think I’ve already signed’ said Rob