Yap No 34

I was just settling down in my kennel to read the New York Times online when the phone went. Only two people have my number – apart from my secret canine concubine – and I knew Barney was away beating about the Bushes. It had to be Big O

‘Hi Big O’ I said ‘I suppose you’re ringing for a hangover cure after drinking all that Guinness’. According to the schedule he’d just be arriving in London for the second leg of his European odyssey.

‘Ireland was a hoot’ said Big O ‘I discovered I’m descended from a proud tradition of Irish drunks’

‘I understand’ I said ‘that centuries of Guinness consumption can darken the skin of future generations’

‘Well’ said Big O ‘my antecedents in Kenya obviously drank Guinness as well’

‘I have to warn you’ I said ‘that Donald Trump’s already searching for you Irish birth certificate’

‘Look Bo’ said Big O ‘there are one or two points I forgot to check on before I left so I’d appreciate your help. Should I buy Will and Kate a wedding present?’

‘Absolute not’ I said ‘no invite, no present, but don’t forget to ask them to arrange a special showing of Pippa’s bum’

‘The other thing I’m worried about’ said Big O ‘is how I should address the Queen’

‘You’ve got quite a few choices’ I said ‘Apparently she doesn’t respond readily to ‘hey you’ but there’s ‘your maj’, ‘Liz’, queenie’ and ‘crownhead’. And don’t forget to say hi to her corgis for me. I talk to them regularly online through Litter’

‘What do you think are the chances of the UK government agreeing to give the US a loan?’ asked Big O

‘About the same as Arnie getting the Father of the Year award’ I said ‘By the way whatever possessed you to date your visit to Westminster Abbey as 2008?’

‘I was so taken with the place’ said Big O ‘that I just wanted to become part of the history. I just can’t make head nor tail of the UK political parties. They all seem to be way over to the left. I’m apprehensive they’ll see me as a Right extremist’

‘Relax’ I said ‘no-one’s going to mistake you for Margaret Thatcher’s love-child. But I take your point. The coalition government is planning to reduce carbon emissions by 50% within sixteen years. If you plan to fly in on Air Force One for you next visit they’ll insist it’s converted to a hybrid’

‘Is there anything going on back there I should know about?’ asked Big O

‘Nothing much’ I said ‘but Sarah Palin’s going on a boring bus tour’

‘Do you think it will get her anywhere?’ asked Big O

‘It might stop at one or two Tea Parties’ I said ‘but it’s got absolutely no chance of stopping at the White House’