Chapter 2: Turning the Plumbing On

It was a dirty night in downtown Baltimore and Backward and I were beginning to wonder what the hell we were doing in a Chinese restaurant which had lost its battle against the cockroaches six months ago.

We were just thinking that Deep Thrombosis needed to be more up-market in his choice of clandestine venues when suddenly a shadowy figure stood where the front door used to be.

‘Have you reserved a table?’ I enquired

‘No’ replied Deep Thrombosis ‘I’m just here for takeaway fried lice’

‘Goodness’ I thought ‘it had never occurred to me that the guy might be a normal person with a sense of humour. I had just assumed he was a normal Republican.

‘There have been some disturbing new developments in the operations of the Plumbers’ unit’ said Deep Thrombosis ‘You remember that last time I told you the Obama administration had them in training to rob banks, well now they’ve been on active duty’

‘Good grief Wormsteam’ said Backward ‘this could be a huge scoop for us’

‘Wait a minute’ said Deep Thrombosis ‘I though he was Backward and you were Wormsteam. Never mind. The Plumbers joined the Occupy Wall Street movement and planned to use that as a cover to rob Wall Street banks in the middle of the night’

‘What happened?’ I asked

‘The police moved in and arrested everybody before they could strike’ replied Deep Thrombosis ‘and the Plumbers have been charged with assault and obstruction’

‘Will they be able to trace them back to the White House?’ asked Backward

‘Only if they’re waterboarded’ replied Deep Thrombosis ‘or you write a sensational exposé in Friday Mash’

‘Is there anything else going on?’ I asked

‘Yes’ replied Deep Thrombosis ‘the Plumbers have started a dirty tricks campaign against the Republican candidates for president. The first target was Herman Cain. Poor old Herm, they really did a job on him. The difference between Obama’s Plumbers and normal plumbers is that they start leaks rather than stopping them’
‘Mind-blowing’ said Backward

‘They also did a test run of a campaign against Newt Gingrich’ said Deep Thrombosis ‘revealing that he’s a religious nut and a serial adulterer’

‘What happened?’ I asked

‘His poll numbers went up’ replied Deep Thrombosis ‘everybody’s heard all that stuff before. The Plumbers were also planning to raid the Republican Party HQ but I think they’ve shelved that idea. They’ve sussed that there’s nothing there worth nicking. Enjoy your meal. I hear that sweet and sour cockroaches are tough but always leave a clean plate’

Then he was gone leaving Backward and I to ponder what god-forsaken hellhole he would choose for our next meeting.